Tuesday, November 24, 2009

the weatherman...

this happens to me at least once a week, as i'm rushing out the door, running desperately late to catch my train, when all i want is to hear the weatherman tell me if i need to bring my umbrella or not...

suzie: and now, with a check on the weather, let's go to ted. ted?
ted: thank you very much, suzie. did you have a good weekend?
suzie: yes i did! we took the kids to see the new steven segal movie!
ted: oh! how was it?!
suzie: excellent! it was so dramatic!
ted: that's what i hear! it's generating a lot of oscar buzz.
suzie: it should! we loved it! so exciting!
ted: that's what i hear! SUCH a good actor!
suzie: YES!
ted: wasn't he also in "a river runs through it"?
suzie: with courtney love?
ted: yes!
suzie: that's what i hear!
ted: great movie. and great singer, that courtney love.
suzie: yes!
ted: you know what i love?
suzie: what's that, ted?
ted: i love syrup!
suzie: mmmm, yes, syrup is tasty!
ted: but i don't just pour it on my pancakes.
suzie: no?
ted: oh, no! i pour it over my scrambled eggs, my toast, my sausage links, my bacon-- i pour it over everything.
suzie: really?
ted: ab-so-lutely! BOY, is that delicious!
suzie: it certainly sounds like it!
ted: yes! and, hey, speaking of bacon, i wanted to show you this footage from what took place in beaumont, oklahoma over the weekend! during the 76th annual farm and cattle festival, they were holding their traditional contest to find the "world's oink-iest pig!"
suzie: how about that!
ted: yes! this year's winner was 234-pound betsy!
suzie: awwwwwwww!
ted: her owners say the secret to betsy's success has been a healthy diet, and plenty of exercise. betsy also likes to listen to barry manilow, and the dave clark five.
suzie: isn't that something?
ted: yes! no word yet, though, if there are any spiders named charlotte making webs around betsy's pen!!!
ted: yes! now let's see what we can tell you about the weather today!
suzie: okay!
ted: today there will probably be periods of rain and/or sun throughout the morning, night and/or mid- to late afternoon. there also may be patches of clouds or, possibly, flurries surrounding the general area of the northeastern part of the hemisphere sometime within the next few months, or more. chances of some kind of precipitation is 98% throughout that same approximate time span, and the temperature will vary from somewhere between 19 and 82 degrees. celsius and fahrenheit. to find out more specific details for today's weather, tune in for my exclusive five day forecast, in just under an hour. or two. suzie?
suzie: thanks, ted! we'll be right back...

the five tings i fell in love with today...

1) that i don't get paid for participating in meaningless banter.
2) i bumped into some long lost friends at target this afternoon, who had just bumped into each other right before i got there. small world!
3) if you don't have kids, or if you don't work in a day care center, you might as well skip to the next thing, because you just won't understand. but, the best thing that happened at work today was seeing the joy on the face of one of our toddlers as she poo'ed in the toilet for the first time at school. and what a poo it was, let me tell ya. it was the type of poo my cousin in west virginia would have taken a picture of, it was that big. she was so proud. and yet, so humble at the same time. "I MADE A POOP STICK!" she shouted. poop TREE was more like it, bless her heart. and colon.
4) i bought a new umbrella a few weeks ago. the previously mentioned umbrella-- the one who thought itself a performance artist-- flew right off the handle in a tragic, yet beutiful recreation of, i think, swan lake. i'd go into more detail about it, but i can't find my dictionary, and i don't know how to spell peer-o-ette.
5) a bit chilly this morning, but it didn't rain today! w'hoooooooo!

song of the day...
"swine" by elvis costello and the brodsky quartet

movie of the day...
"l.a. story" still one of my favorite comedies ever! "you're a weatherman, right?" "yes. i'm a meteorologist."


  1. Poop TREE - that is killing me.
    ....and by the way: pirouette

  2. Resolved for 2010: to loudly shout "I MADE A POOP STICK!" whenever I do so.

    L.A. Story. Awesome. "Clears your HEAD? You should go back and tell them they're doing it wrong!"