Saturday, January 30, 2010

adios, eharmony!!!

this morning, after about a year and a half and 3,528 matches, i decided to cancel my eharmony account. it's been a lot of fun, and i've met a good number of great people, but i just don't want to spend the money anymore.

cheap bastard that i am.

by any chance, if you're thinking about joining eharmony, i'd definitely encourage you to do so. and i'm not just saying that because "eharmony jack" is (apparently) a regular reader of this blog, and may or may not be watching my every move from the parking lot across the street with binoculars.

really, though, i have met some pretty amazing women on eharmony. very, very odd women, too, but the strong majority seemed to be of the pretty darn cool sort. some things about the site i should warn you about, though...

1) you'll have to fill out what's known in some circles as a "long ass survey." not recommended for someone with carpal tunnel syndrome, but i enjoyed it. the questions are presented in such a way as to really make you think about who you truly are and who you are truly looking for. best to be completely honest here.

2) your matches will come to you a few at a time. not all at once. this is something i really wish i knew in advance, because, i went to bed kind of depressed that first night. after filling out the never ending survey and getting my romantical hopes up quite a bit, i was matched with seven women, and thought... "five million women on eharmony and i'm only compatible with SEVEN of them?!?!?! ...(sigh)"

3) you will be rejected. a lot. or, at least i was. which really wasn't that big of a deal. much better to get rejected online than it is getting a cold drink splashed on your face at a bar somewhere... i assume. i mean, it's never actually happened to me, and... come to think of it, drinks are pretty expensive-- does that even happen outside of the movies?

anyway, not a big deal, was what i was saying, unless, y'know... you're having a bad day, and the woman you're SURE is The One rejects you within a minute and fifteen seconds. and then it just sucks outloud. er, sometimes. i dunno, really, i think it all depends on what they tell you. eharmony provides a list of reasons for why a particular person has turned you down. here it is...

*I think our family backgrounds are too different.
*I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
*I don't feel that the chemistry is there.
*I don't think our Must Haves and Can't Stands fit.
*I think the physical distance between us is too great.
*I want to pursue other matches at eharmony.
*I am pursuing another relationship.
*I'm just not ready for the next step.
*I am taking a break from dating.
*I would rather not say.
*This match never responded to my request to communicate.
*I think the difference in age between us is too great.
*I think the difference in our values is too great.
*Based on statements in their profile, I'm not interested in this match.
*Because there are no photos posted/I couldn't see any photos.
*Because I was put on Hold.
*Because we are communicating outside of eharmony.

now, you may notice that pretty much every possible way you can politely tell someone, "it's not you, it's me" is found here. very polite, the eharmony people. which is why they don't provide a rejection option that says, "you seem like a really nice guy who i would never EVER consider smooching" or "are you kidding me?! you are soooooooooo not in my league, buster!" or "because you look like you weigh more than my uncle ernie's shrimping boat."

so, instead of writing something nasty, eharmony provides this tender, little, four letter word...


urgh, OTHER! that drove me nuts! every nice, somewhat-comforting option is right there on the menu, so whenever someone gave me an "other" i was always so insulted. "OTHER?! WHAT?! how DARE you!!! what does that even mean, other?! what are they trying to tell me???" bah... ruined my whole day.

actually, "i would rather not say" is pretty awful, too. but i don't think anyone ever told me that. regretably, i said it to someone once, though. but only because that was the closest thing i could come to saying "because her name is hossy." which leads me to...

4) you will have to reject someone. best to be completely dishonest here. at least that's how i came to see it. i mean, really, why perplex someone with an "other"? why leave them wondering, "what could be so bad about me that they'd rather not say?!" i usually just told them "i am pursing another relationship" because that sort of implied that i'd been swept off my feet by some lucky lady who found me first. ("eh. dibs. no harm, no foul.")

seriously, why hurt someone's feelings by continuing the sentence? "i am pursuing another relationship with ANYbody else but you, because you look like clint howard."

that's pretty much it. everything else you can figure out on your own. good luck, and keep me posted, eh? i'd love to hear how it turns out! 'til then, faretheewell, eharmony. and thanks for the memories...

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) got matched up with some more great names somewhat recently on eharmony-- diamondness and precious belle.
2) really, on eharmony, best to be honest. in one part of the getting to know you stage, they provide some questions for you, and-- because i'd like to find someone who'll encourage me to lose weight-- i always chose this one: "during a typical week, what sort of physical activities do you enjoy?"
i tended to cringe when i sent that out, though, because i was afraid someone would get the wrong impression and write back, "well, during a typical week, what sort of physical activities do YOU enjoy, fat-ass?!"
3) hey, speaking of others, only THREE more days, until the season premiere of LOST!!!!!!!
4) clint howard. he just rocks!
5) y'know, i do love to hear stories about people in love-- specifically about how they met. eharmony or not, drop me a line, if you get the chance, and tell me all about it!

song of the night...
"find you" by andy zipf

movie of the night...
"forest gump"

Thursday, January 28, 2010

state of the "union"

i watched the President's state of the union address last night. and it made me somewhere in between sad and pissed. the speech itself, i thought, was very good. i still believe in Barack Obama, and i thought he delivered a great message.

what upset me was the behavior of just about everyone else in the room... am i the only one who thought it was childish???

i'm talking about republicans who sat on their hands defiantly, determined to maintain a look of contempt no matter what the President said. seriously, i think he could have told them, "i believe in this nation, i believe that the grand canyon is miraculous, and i believe that everyone here tonite will get a free double scoop of ice cream when they leave the building! SURPRISE!!!" ...and they STILL would have stonewalled him. sitting there with their arms folded-- "harumph!" --like they were all mad at joe wilson for shouting "you lie!" before they got a chance to do so themselves. "summamabitch stole my thunder!"

but i'm also talking about democrats, who gave EVERY other thing the President said a standing ovation! again, i really loved what the man had to say, but, y'know... let him say it, for the love of pete! after awhile, it dawned on me that these men and women might not have even been listening to President Obama. that they were just waiting for him to take a breath so they could stand up and holler again, which, now that i think of it, could have been a little embarrassing...

President Obama: "we need to change the healthcare system in this country be-- OW! dammit, i just got a paper cut..."
Democrats: "HOORAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!"
Pres: "no, i- i'm serious, this really stings..."
Pres: "could somebody get me a band-aid...?"

honestly, it seemed like, on either side of the aisle, instead of listening to our commander in chief, everyone was too busy posing for the cameras...

"well, THEY'RE not going to clap for ANYthing, so i'm gonna jump up and shout every chance i get! THAT'LL show 'em!"
"well, THEY'RE just falling ALL over themselves applauding, so i'm just going to sit here with my hands in my pockets! THAT'LL show 'em!"

really. enough. we're living in much too serious a time in this country not to be led by serious people. it's time to stop playing games, and start behaving like adults. or, is that too much to ask?

look... i'm going to suggest something for the leaders of our nation, but before i do, i'm just going to admit it: it's dumb. i know it's dumb. it's a stupid suggestion, and i know it won't solve any of our countless and major problems, but, i'll also tell you this... i'm not kidding.

the next time they're sitting in front of a speech given by the President of the United States, i'm going to suggest three little words for every democrat, and every republican...

Remember The Titans.

in the movie 'remember the titans', denzel washington has been named head coach of a racially dived football team in the 1960's. two buses are taking them to their training camp. all the white players hop on one bus, while all the black players get on the other. denzel takes everyone out of their seats and tells them, "listen up, i don't care if you're black, green, blue, white or orange, i want all of my defensive players on this side, all of my offensive players over here." he then points out the bus for the defense, and the one for the offense, and tells the white and black players to sit next to each other.

sit next to each other... i mean, why not? instead of having the republicans on one side of the room, and the democrats on the other side, where's the harm? it's not like a fistfight's gonna break out, is it? it?!

......probably not, so, assuming we can avoid that worst-case scenario, hey, why not? no, it's not going to magically get everyone together, singing songs about rainbows, but i'd like to see it nonetheless. think of it as a symbolic gesture-- we can tell the world that, yes, while we have disagreements on a great number of issues, we ARE still united. we ARE still on the same team, we ARE still Americans. all of us.

last night reminded me more of the cliques in my high school cafeteria than anything i've ever seen on 'glee'. and i'm tired of it. i thought it was pathetic. we can't keep going around in circles like this... it's gotta start somewhere. so, why not force these men and women to actually sit down next to each other?

who knows? maybe a camera might catch a few of them shaking hands.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) that i'm feeling good enough to go into work tomorrow. i've had the flu for the better part of the week, which actually hasn't been as bad as listening to the soda guy scream into his phone for the past two days.
2) my friends and relatives who love me in spite of our political differences... you know who you are!
3) the reminder of what my mom used to tell me: "if you want to be treated like an adult, then act like one."
4) only FIVE more days until the season premiere of LOST!!!! can't wait!!!
5) tater tots.

song of the night...
"jack-ass" by beck

movie of the night...
"remember the titans" i very much dig this movie, although, i think it suffered greatly from the whole 'patch adams' thing-- trying to force sentiment at the end of a film with something truly ridiculous. really, i don't care how somber you are when you're singing, "na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye..." it's just not something i want to hear at a funeral.

Friday, January 22, 2010

"wait... what are you reading???"

a few weeks ago, at the beginning of the new year, i was reading a book in our classroom at naptime, when i caught The Smart Lady staring at me. with a sly grin, i asked her, "are you... gazing at me because i'm so awesome and good looking???"

that i was kidding took a little of the sting away when she said "no" in the manner in which she did, but, still... Winston Churchill would have envied such resounding confidence and clarity. she was like, "NO! of COURSE not!" and/or, "NO!!! ...eww!"

naturally, my ego was slightly bruised, but what she said next left me so baffled that i didn't have any time to wallow...

she: "i really thought that said 'Dick Horny'."
me: "...WHAT?!?!"
she: "your book-- at first, i really thought that said 'Dick Horny'."

and thus began my new year's resolution to read more often.

for the record, i was reading "about a boy" --a book by a guy called (wait for it...) Nick Hornby. brilliantly written, really. hysterical and unexpectedly tender. i knew exactly how much i was enjoying it on the day The Smart Lady misread the author's name, because i couldn't put it down on the train-- even after the thought occurred to me that other people might make her same mistake. "wow," i thought, "how many people are watching me read this thing with a smile on my face, laughing out loud every other four minutes, and are thinking to themselves, 'Dick Horny!? ...gross! what a perv!'"

on this particular day, i was specifically wondering about the woman sitting across from me. i've never spoken to her, but, in my mind, her name is rita-- because she reminds me, somehow, of what i think the beatles' "lovely rita, meter maid" would look like (which, i know, doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but whatever). she almost always has her head in a book, and i'd almost always wanted to ask her what she was reading.

i dunno, something about her tells me that she's a really interesting person, full of interesting things to say, and a point of view that i wouldn't necessarily agree with, but would surely find thought-provoking.

and i'm not even attracted to her (and, even if i were, i'm kind of crushing on someone else at the moment). i don't think i've ever thought about her when i wasn't on the train. but whenever she would sit across from me, i'd find myself wondering about her-- how many brothers and sisters she had, and where she went to school. and if she enjoyed working as a meter maid, and who her favorite character was on the simpsons.

and, on this day, i wondered how completely inappropriate it would be-- on a scale of one to ten-- to begin our first-ever conversation by saying, "y'know, i don't know what you were thinking, but, i mean... this doesn't say Dick Horny, so... uhm..."

yeah... probably like a nine?

anyway, i was so distracted by these thoughts that i wound up forgetting my gloves on the train. which i thought might make for a cool opening conversation the next day. she'd see me and say, "hey there. i noticed that you forgot your gloves on the train yesterday, so i picked them up for you. my name is rita." and i would say, "well, thank you! so nice of you, rita! ...what are you reading today?" and she'd say, "oh, it's a new book by a dude named Penis McRandypants." and i'd say, "oh, wow! what a coincidence, because..."

...but, no. it never happened. no conversation. she was probably too busy with her head in her book to even notice my gloves.

which immediately made her far less interesting to me.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) all this to say, "about a boy" is among the very best books i've ever read. and a mighty fine movie, too-- one of my favorites!
2) Winston Churchill.
3) a really good pair of gloves.
4) The Smart Lady.
5) portland, oregon.

song of the day...
"lovely rita" by the beatles

movie of the day...
"strangers on a train"

Monday, January 11, 2010

mark mcgwire...

so, mark mcgwire admitted that he used steroids. i found this out when i awoke from a four hour nap this afternoon. and i applauded.

painful as it was to hear mcgwire's tearful confession, anything's better than the memory of him sitting before congress five years ago, telling the world that he was not there to talk about "the past." i still cringe when i think of that day.

mcgwire was another one of my baseball heroes. the first major leaguer i followed from the beginning of his career to the end. i remember vividly the debate i had with my father during big mac's rookie year about whether he was going to pass hank aaron for the alltime home run lead. i was about fourteen, and my dad told me he had a lonnnnnnnng, long way to go.

eleven years later, during the famous 1998 season, my dad called me up in the middle of the week, leaving a message with my roommate. he said, "oh, i just wanted to talk a little mcgwire with him." i called him back as soon as i could and took a great deal of joy in the thought that we both sounded like teenagers.

i turned 33 in 2005. much too old to be heartbroken about mcgwire's performance before congress. it was embarrassing to have been disappointed, in fact, because that meant admitting that i was naive enough to have believed the man in the first place. but i was disappointed. i did believe him, and i wanted to know the truth.

tony larussa, his manager with the a's and the cardnals, was interviewed on espn a few hours ago, and was talking about the critical reaction mcgwire got before congress. he said, as opposed to some of the men on that stage that day, "at least the one thing he didn't do was lie."


well, yes. sure. i mean, technically, by avoiding the question altogether, he did not lie. but... put it this way, if, when i was a teenager, i stole my dad's car and got into an accident? and, when, at the police station, he asked me what the hell i was thinking, i responded by saying, "dad? i'm not here to talk about the past." ...??? do you think he would have been satisfied by that answer?


no. my dad would have drop-kicked my ass into another town, into another state-- somewhere as far away from my beloved williamstown, new jersey as mark mcgwire is now from cooperstown, new york.

will he ever be there? will mark mcgwire ever be a hall of famer? i don't know, of course, but i don't think so. and i'm more than okay with that. as a matter of fact, i hope he doesn't. and here's why...

in his admission today, mcgwire stated, "the Man Upstairs only gives you things on this earth you can handle." he said this (i guess???) in reference to the media scrutiny that will follow him from now on. understandable, except this was not something that God laid at his feet. this was not something that God gave to mark mcgwire as a hurdle to leap over-- this was something mark mcgwire gave to himself.

the hurdle came years before. the hurdle was a stellar career that was in jeopardy of being over too soon because of the injuries that plagued him. but instead of leaping over that hurdle, or coming to terms with it being something that he could not climb over, he found a way around it.

he took steroids, and, in doing so, he spat in the face of people like ken griffey jr. and mickey mantle. roger marris, and hank aaron. people like my cousin in west virginia, who, if you asked him if he would trade four of his five senses and the ability to walk for a half a season in the big leagues, would seriously consider it for about a day. and then, he'd say no. only to change his mind a few days later.

mark mcgwire admitted taking steroids. he came clean, and finally got the monkey off his back. good for him.

seriously, i am happy for him. it's good that the truth is out there. he's probably not a bad guy at all, and i'm glad the weight is off his shoulders. i do applaud mark mcgwire, but i'm not a kid anymore. and i'm no longer giving him a standing ovation.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) babe ruth.
2) willie stargell.
3) ted williams.
4) john kruk.
5) hammerin' hank.

song of the day...
"deep dark truthful mirror" by elvis costello

movie of the day...
"while you were sleeping"

Saturday, January 9, 2010

NFL power rankings, end of the regular season...

32 rams, 1-15, -100.4
31 lions, 2-14, -84.2
30 bucs, 3-13, -68.9
29 chiefs, 4-12, -57.1
28 redskins, 4-12, -46.4
27 raiders, 5-11, -43.1
26 browns, 5-11, -42.0
25 seahawks, 5-11, -37.2
24 bills, 6-10, -25.2
23 jags, 7-9, -15.3
22 bears, 7-9, -7.5
21 dolphins, 7-9, -4.0
20 titans, 8-8, 4.8
19 panthers, 8-8, 16.1
18 broncos, 8-8, 16.5
17 giants, 8-8, 17.3
16 49ers, 8-8, 18.2
15 texans, 9-7, 26.5
14 falcons, 9-7, 29.8
13 STEELERS, 9-7, 31.5
12 ravens, 9-7, 39.0
11 jets, 9-7, 41.9
10 cards, 10-6, 44.3
9 bengals, 10-6, 54.9
8 pats, 10-6, 57.6
7 packers, 11-6, 64.6
6 eagles, 11-5, 64.7
5 cowboys, 11-5, 66.1
4 vikings, 12-4, 87.5
3 chargers, 13-3, 89.9
2 saints, 13-3, 96.1
1 colts, 14-2, 116.0

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) peyton manning
2) drew brees
3) kurt warner
4) basically any quarterback who isn't tom brady
5) going 174-82 in my nfl picks this year! wild card predictions: bengals crush the jets, dallas squeaks by philly (though i hope i'm wrong about this), baltimore gets by a wes welker-less new england team, and the packers kinda stomp all over the cardinalds.

song of the day...
"pony st." by elvis costello

movie of the day...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"winter wonderland" revisited...

so, i was walking to the train this morning, listening to harry connick jr's "when harry met sally" soundtrack, and i came to something of a stunning realization upon hearing his version of 'winter wonderland.' and here it is...

" face unafraid the plans that we made..."

now, i dunno, maybe it's because i've been watching 'the lord of the rings' trilogy for the past four nights in a row, but... that's kind of a weird-ass thing to put into an otherwise chipper holiday song, enit?

i mean, maybe i'm just being paranoid, but what's there to be afraid of? the whole rest of the song, we're singing about sleigh bells ringing, and snow that's glistening, and parson brown, blue birds and new birds, and then out of nowhere-- boom! "don't be afraid!!!! we got a plan and we're gonna stick to it!!!!"

i don't know if i can ever hear the song the same way again. yesterday it was a pleasant little ditty about snowflakes and smiling faces. but now it seems to me like a cationary tale of some sort. like a terribly worried parent facing an impossibly difficult situation, trying to distract his child from trauma by making up a story...

"it's okay, sweetheart, no need to panic! nothing dangerous around the corner! hahaha! we're walking in a winter wonderland!"
"dad...? it's august."
" the meadow we can build a snow man!!!"

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) harry connick jr. i love that guy. the dude almost single-handedly introduced me to jazz. saw him in concert in philadelphia years ago-- still one of the best shows i've ever seen.
2) billy crystal.
3) the pictionary scene in 'when harry met sally'! LOL! kills me every single time i see it! "baby talk?! that's not an expression!" "oh, yeah, but 'babyfishmouth' is sweeping the nation!"
4) walking into some random deli in new york city a decade or so ago, knowing that i had never been in there before but not being able to shake the feeling that i knew it from somewhere. yep. it was the "i'll have what she's having" deli! :)
5) not being able to walk around the met without repeating, "waiter? there's too much pepper in my poppycosh. but i will be proud to partake of your pecan pieeeee! your pecan pieeeeeeeeee!"

song of the day...
"love is here to stay" by harry connick jr.

movie of the day...
"when harry met sally..." over twenty years later, and i still can't talk about that movie without wanting to see it again.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

AT&T vs. White Plains vs. Men Without Pants vs. Sea Otters...

i found myself wondering, as i went out to grab some food this afternoon, "who has more money? the city of white plains? or AT&T?" kind of a dumb thing to think about, really, but, if nothing else, it kept me distracted for a little while on an incredibly cold and windy day.

at first i thought, "well, y'know, it's got to be AT&T. they're a multi-bajillion dollar corporation, right?" but then i read later on in the day that the city of white plains gets $1.3 billion in annual retail sales! which is more than i make in a month, more or less.

i don't know how it all works, really-- how much of that dough goes directly into the city, but it must be quite a bundle, as white plains seems to have enough cash to throw parades for even all those little, made up holidays, like valentine's day, and bastille day, and thanksgiving.

but, that type of thing is probably privately funded, isn't it? i mean, the economy is pretty bad all around, so white plains can't have THAT much in the bank. so... yeah, i think AT&T has to have a lot more money. because people are always going to need cell phones. how else are they gonna call up their friends and relatives and complain about how bad the economy is?

anyway, all this came about when i was walking past the AT&T building near my apartment. someone had done a pretty crap job removing all the ice from the sidewalk, and i was wondering who i would be able to sue if i fell on my arse and became bound to a wheelchair, or scraped my knee. would it be the city's fault? AT&T's? i wanted to know who i should be rooting for.

i tell you what, though, i know it would have given me a lot more satisfaction to take money from AT&T. they have this huge parking lot that, if i were to cut through it, would make my blustery trek SO much easier. but standing in my way is this huge and rather intimidating sign, saying something to the effect of...


and then, in smaller print, it says, "For, you see, if you get caught trespassing at night, chances are fair that we've already fed the sea otters. And you simply can't overfeed a sea otter nowadays without the risk of PETA or some shit causing a big ruckus. And no one wants that. And, if you get caught trespassing during the DAY, well, quite frankly, the security guards we have on staff during that time are not exactly crackerjack snipers, so... you see where we're going. Either way, it won't be pleasant. So, just don't trespass, okay, bald guy?"

so uncool. but, needlesstosay, i went the long way around.

HOWEVER! on my way back...? i trespassed.


i know, i know! but you have no idea how freaking COLD it was! it was another one of those days where, as soon as i walked out the door, i thought, "yikes! COLD!!!!! it's so bitter, it feels like i'm not even wearing anything to protect me from the... oh crap... AM I WEARING PANTS???"

(...does this happen to anyone else, by the way? that "oh no! am i wearing pants?!" moment? i mean, y'know, i've never actually done this-- accidentally gone outside without my pants. not even once. but, really... you know how sometimes the frigid air is just so awful that you feel like that scenario could truly be a reasonable explanation for how cold you are? but, you don't look down to check as quickly as you'd like to, because there are cars passing, and you don't want any of them to beep at you, and yell out the window, "HAHA! YOU'RE SO COLD THAT YOU WEREN'T SURE IF YOU WERE WEARING PANTS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" but, after awhile, you do check and then you're all like, "oh, okay, whew! there they are! ...pants." does that ever happen to....?

...yeah, no. it's probably just me, huh?)

so, anyway, as i was trespassing, i decided to come up with a plan, in case anyone tried to feed me to a pack of hungry sea otters. and i'm kind of disappointed that no one did, really, because i think my plan was a good one, and i was a bit curious to see if it would've worked.

i figured, if anyone stopped me-- some large man with a stick, i imagined, his deep voice booming, "excuse me! you don't belong here!!!" --i would have pointed to some random office window and said, "oh, no, it's okay. i'm jack martin's son."

which is true. my dad is jack martin. and i believe that he had once used a telephone that was made by someone who could correctly spell "AT&T." but, of course, my dad had nothing at all to do with any of the office windows i would have been pointing at.

still, i thought that if i'd said it with enough confidence, i would have made the security guy with the stick feel quite dumb for not knowing who my father was. and he would have let me go. either that, or he wouldn't have bought it at all. and he would've chased me, until, in all likelihood, we would have both fallen on our arses, because AT&T did an even worse job of de-icing the parking lot than they did the sidewalks. and then we could have sued those PETA-hatin' bastards together.

good times.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) sea otters.
2) pants.
3) dim-witted security guards.
4) (sigh)... well... my steelers are officially out of the playoffs. but, we'll get 'em next year.
5) my dad.

song of the day...
"ice ice baby" by vanilla ice

movie of the day...
"ice age" not my favorite flick, really, but did you know...? and this is true, apparently, the company that created it is based in white plains.

Friday, January 1, 2010

The Worst Ten (or eleven) Movies I Paid To See in 2009...

here's about $90 that i'll never get back...

10) "taken" everybody i know loved this movie. and it made a bunch of money, so i'm somewhat tempted to ask myself if i was wrong about this flick. but, no, i'm sticking to my guns. i thought it was boring.

9) "x-men origins: wolverine" this movie would've been AWESOME if they made it into a musical. "i have claws! steel-y claws! i can slice a tin can! i'm a very deadly weapon but i don't know who i am..."

8) "coraline" and "9" i'm counting these as the same exact movie, as i thought the same thing about both of them. amazing animation. you can tell they put a great deal of effort into every frame. so much so that i think they forgot about investing the same amount of time into their characters. in the middle of both films, i realized that i didn't care one way or another about what happened to any of them.

7) "surrogates" if you asked me what i could remember about this movie three minutes after the end credits rolled, i would have said something about bruce willis looking a lot better with no hair. and then, for the next half an hour, i would've said, "uhm... and, uhh..."

6) "couples retreat" classic case of a production company placing all the funny bits of a movie in its trailer, leaving the paying customer with two minutes of funny... and an hour and forty minutes of crap.

5) "observe and report" this one forgot the funny altogether. i actually liked "paul blart: mall cop" better than this.

4) "whatever works" woody allen has made some of my favorite movies of alltime. and he's also made some stuff i didn't care for all that much. but i didn't think he ever made a film you could call terrible. until this. i think a better title would have been "eh, i dunno. whatever works. just let my six-year-old neice direct this picture, i'm gonna go to the knicks game."

3) "land of the lost" i don't know what i could have been thinking, walking into this. i loved the tv show as a kid. this just about broke my heart. shame on you, will ferrell. shame. on. you.

2) "g.i. joe: the rise of cobra" i loved playing with g.i. joe's too, as a kid. what a piece of turd this was. and i'm just going to say this outloud-- i don't care how pretty he is, channing tatum is the worst actor alive.

1) "transformers: revenge of the fallen" and, ladies and gentlemen, here it is. not only the worst movie of the year, but also the completion of the "stomp all over ryan martin's childhood" trifecta.

all these movies were pretty awful, but this is the one flick in 2009 that genuinely pissed me off. shia lebeouf was walking around like he wanted to be channing tatum when he grew up. this movie was so bad, it even turned john turturro into a bad actor. after awhile, i even stopped caring how hot megan fox was!

MEGAN FOX!!!!!!!

urgh! i hated this movie. and what i hate more than anything else is that i know they're going to make a "transformers 3: revenge of the guy who invented WD-40" or whatever... and i know i'll go see it opening weekend.

big, dumb action movies. i can't help myself.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) vince vaughan in "swingers"
2) will ferrell in "stranger than fiction"
3) megan fox in "how to lose friends and alienate people"
4) john turturro's "romance and cigarettes"
5) woody allen's "annie hall"

song of the day...
"don't go breaking my heart" by elton john and kiki dee

movie of the day...
i was really disappointed by "monsters vs. aliens", too, actually. but i really dug "funny people". just throwing that out there, in case seth rogan was reading this.