Sunday, November 21, 2010


Before going to the movies this afternoon, I consulted and found out that one of the films on my list of must-sees had a pitiful grade of 14%.

Now, you'd think I would have learned something after checking out 'Sex and the City 2' (16% at Rotten Tomatoes) and 'The Last Airbender' (6%) but, no. "Well, THIS i gotta see!" said I.

However, I am happy to report that this time, THIS time... I chose wisely!!!

Sort of.

The movie was 'Skyline'. And it was terrible. I mean, just plain awful. But it was also fun! True, most of the fun was completely unintentional, but it was fun nonetheless.

Basically, there's a big, honking alien invasion that's taking over the world, and we're following about a half dozen chuckleheads who are trapped inside their apartment building, hiding from all the aliens who want to take them aboard these big, honking space ships and suck out their brains. And they say stuff like this...

"I just... I just can't believe this is happening!"
"Well, you better believe it! This IS happening! It's happening RIGHT NOW! And you'd better wake up!!! WAKE UP!!! ...And survive!!!"

But, hey, I mean, I dunno, there's no exact point of reference here. Maybe, at the end of the world, we will all turn into bad actors with choppy dialogue. Who knows?

The thing I was most worried about going into Skyline was this tried and true formula: "OH NO!!! ALIENS!!! WE'RE DOOMED!!! THEY'RE UNSTOPPABLE!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE PLANET THAT CAN-- oh, wait. Turns out, if we splash a little water on them, they'll die........... Right on."

It's ironic, and it's amazing, and it's almost always completely underwhelming. And we've seen it before, too. Not necessarily water, but, y'know-- "nuclear weapons won't do the trick, but there's a simple solution here that no one's thought of before, and it's working like gangbusters!" For example...


'War of the Worlds'? I liked that movie (the recent, Steven Spielberg one), but that "easy solution" part of the film left me feeling a bit ...blah. But not as blah as when Tom Cruise was reunited with his kid at the very end. Too much sap for me.

'Signs'? Yeah, kind of a crap movie, I thought. Mainly because of the whole "swing away/cup of water" thing. Well, no, mainly because the aliens looked like knock-off Muppets. But, still.

Even 'The Wizard of Oz' --it's a classic, of course, and I love it as much as everyone else does, but... really? No one ever thought about dousing the Wicked Witch with water before? I mean, her skin was green for Pete's sake, she clearly never took a shower! None of her henchmen ever put that together?

None of the flying monkeys ever got suspicious whenever they were like, "Hey, we're gonna head over to the beach for a swim, y'wanna join us?" and she was all like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"


But, yeah, after seeing so many negative reviews, I just figured I was going to see more of the same old stuff with 'Skyline'. BUT!!! They very much went with a different ending. I won't tell you what it was, but I will tell you these two things: 1) It was not at all the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending. And 2) It was far, FAR more stupid than the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending.

I mean, dude!!! ...It was just dumb.

And, not only that, but it was a dumb idea, executed poorly!

But, hey, at least it was original. And, at least it wasn't a movie that was pretending to be something it wasn't. They weren't going for the best picture Oscar, right??? They just (I believe) wanted to make a big, goofy flick with a buncha aliens sucking the brains out of a few billion homo sapiens. Something to relax and mow down a bucket of popcorn to.

Total, TOTAL crap movie. And I loved it. Mark my words-- this is bound to become a campy, B-movie classic.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) How simple it is to write "SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!" This weekend, I was three short hours away from watching the latest Harry Potter movie when I noticed one of the characters was a trending topic on Twitter. So, I foolishly (foolishly, because I've not read the books) clicked onto it, and found out that this person was going to die!!! Not only this-- here's the message I read (without the names, of course)...

"Dear people who moan about the RIP (Character X) Trending Topic because it's a spoiler. (Character Y) dies in the next one. Yours sincerely, the people who read books."

Seriously, what an asshole, right?!

2) I am, actually, reading a really good book right now, thankyouverymuch! --'Unbroken' by Laura Hillenbrand.
3) Donald Faison.
4) Margaret Hamilton.
5) My less-than-mature response to the twitter jerk: "Hey, thanks SO MUCH for the HP spoilers yesterday! Yours sincerely, the people who are sarcastic to douche bags."

song of the night...
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Judy Garland

movie of the night...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part one" --liked it quite a bit!!!


When I go to Target, I'm sometimes handed a coupon with my receipt. And it's almost always something that has some sort of relevance to what I'd just purchased. If I buy a toothbrush, I may get a coupon for toothpaste. If I buy tortilla chips, I might get a coupon for salsa. Spaghetti sauce? Macaroni. Cough drops? Some sort of cold medicine, and so on...

Today, I bought hot dogs.

Just hot dogs.

And I received a coupon for toilet paper.

Now... did I completely misunderstand the Target coupon filtering system? Or is this just a testament to this particular brand of wieners?

"Wow! Yikes! Nathan's??? ...Well, here. You're gonna need THIS!"

Yeah... anyway, if anyone has some inside information on the topic, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd share it with me, as quickly as possible. Y'know... before I get my dinner ready.

I'm a little bit frightened.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) The dude in the public restroom yesterday, belting out "Lady" by Kenny Rogers. I have no idea if he'd assumed he was alone, or what, but I just thought it was great. Not the best rendition I'd ever heard, but certainly the most passionate version I will ever witness. While peeing.
2) This afternoon, my dad and I were talking about my last blog post about airport security. I told him, "Y'know, really, I don't care what they're going to do to me-- I'm never going to see those people again." And he paused for a few seconds and said, "Yeah... I guess I don't mind the groping. As long as they're not smiling while they do it."
3) Peanut butter (extra crunchy).
4) Jelly (grape).
5) I've never been truly, desperately, third-world-country type of hungry.

song of the night...
"Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. I'm not a huge country music fan, but... I have to admit, I think Kenny Rogers is pretty damn awesome.

movie of the night...
"Six Pack" ...bit of a guilty pleasure, I s'pose, but I remember renting this flick when I was a kid-- twice in as many nights. Loved it!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Our civil liberties, and our junk...

"Let justice be done... or the heavens fall!"
William Watson, 1601

"Give me liberty... or give me death!"
Patrick Henry, 1775

"I shall have you arrested... if you touch my junk!"
John Tyner, 2010

John Tyner, in case you haven't heard, is a fellow who refused to go through a pat-down search at a San Diego airport over the weekend. He videotaped the incident on his cell phone, and basically told the TSA agents involved that what they were doing would be considered molestation, if they were not, in fact, the government.

It's an interesting debate, really. Before we step onto an airplane, we have to take every precaution we can, of course, to make sure that we're safe. But... how far is too far? What is that line that we cannot cross? What if that line is in a different place for you, for me?

And, at the end of the day, is it all worth it?

Are we being stripped of our basic human rights just to get on board an airplane? And, if so... have the terrorists won???

...I dunno.

I mean, honestly, I can understand the uncomfortable nature of it all. I thought about that this afternoon-- about where exactly my line would be. What would make me pull a John Tyner? What would make me turn around and say, "No, thank you, I would rather not fly." What would make me get so angry that I would rather put an end to the security procedure, and get stranded in Cleveland? And my answer...?

Naked jumping jacks.

If a TSA agent pulled me to the side of the security line, made me take off my shoes, my watch, my belt? No problem.

If he patted me down, touched my junk, made me take off my clothes? Well, I wouldn't thank him for it, no, but, whatever. I'd get over it.

If he squeezed my buns, touched my junk a second time, and covered me with peanut butter? ...Yeah, actually, by that point, I think I probably would get a tad suspicious, but, hey, the man's just doing his job, right? "There's probably a perfectly good explanation for the peanut butter," is what I would tell myself. Every night. For the rest of my life...

However! Naked jumping jacks??? That's just not cool.

(Well, not in public, anyway.)

But, really, just about anything up to that point, and I personally would be pretty damn okay with it.

Again, I truly understand those who would feel differently, but I'm still incredibly leery about flying. As a matter of fact, after 9/11, I didn't think I would ever be able to fly again. It took me YEARS to be able to look into the sky, see a plane, and not feel a terrible mixture of deep sadness and angst.

And, seriously, we're not talking about the caressing of junk and buns, peanut butter jumping jacks, or anything all THAT bizarre, are we...?

I'm not saying I have all the answers, but... the truth is, there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't do to make 100% sure the airplane I'm about to strap myself into is completely safe. Someone wants to send me through an x-rated x-ray machine? Let's do it. You need to pat me down? Go for it, homie! You wanna touch my junk? Here y'go... Enjoy!

Well... y'know, maybe "enjoy" isn't quite the right word, exactly, but...

I mean, it's not like I ENJOY going to the doctor and having him feel around... that particular area o'mine. But, he's gotta do what he's gotta do. And, I know he's (hopefully) outstandingly qualified to check things out down there, so...




...I'm just thinking out loud here, and, maybe this is crazy, but... maybe that's the answer, enit? I think I even heard John Tyner say as much-- he doesn't want anyone to touch his junk other than his doctor.

Nobody's incredibly comfortable with a physical, but nobody really objects to one either. At least, in principle. And certainly no one would confuse a routine physical by a reputable physician with a gross disfiguration of civil liberties.

So, let's just combine the two! TSA screeners/physicians! This is GENIUS!!! Why has no one ever thought about this before???

"Please place any metallic items on the tray, and step forward... Okay, now, turn your head ...And, cough? ...Good, now, turn your head again, please ...Annnnd, cough? ...Great. Thanks, you're all set. Have a nice flight!"

See that? I sold myself short-- I really did have all the answers!

The five things I fell in love with today...

1) The great Roger Ebert, upon having his groin searched at an airport security line: "I would like to say he found nothing, but I don't know how that would sound." LOL!
2) Life.
3) Liberty.
4) The pursuit of happiness.
5) My junk.

Movie of the night...

Song of the night...
"The Streetbeater (Theme to 'Sanford and Son')" by Quincy Jones

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Poem (based on a true story)...

Once there was a happy fellow.
He went by the name of Ryan...

If i told you that he loved to rhyme,
i sure would not be...

...trying to misrepresent myself. Or Ryan.
Not by any stretch of the imagination.


There were things that Ryan was good at.

And things that he just wasn't.

There are things that Ryan likes a lot.

And things that he just doesn't.

This candle with an apple shape
is clearly to his liking.

Its crisp, autumnal scent will make him...



All was grand in Apple-land!
His apartment smelled of orchard...

But then a big, honking hole shot through one side of the apple,
causing a boatload of hot candle wax to cascade all-the-freak over
Ryan's computer keyboard.

This actually happened.

(By the way, the irony of a candle in the shape of an apple
wreaking having on Ryan's iMac is not lost on him.
He's just not ready to accept the humor of this particular
part of the story at the present moment).

Most of the harm had been avoided.
which was a great relief.

And yet the news
was not all good...

The wax had taken a P.

"NO P ?!?!?!" Ryan cried...
"No P ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" he sighed,
"What if i want to write 'Cha_el' ???

"What if i want to write '_etunia'
Or '_lastics' Or what if, for that matter, 'A_ _le'???

"What of my friends _atty and _aul?
And what other friends have i missed?

Wait! I think my _assword has a P in it!!!
Aw, man, i am really quite _issed!!!"

BUT!!! it turned out, things weren't all that bad.
Back came the P, that wacky nomad
And Patty and Paul would surely be glad
to hear such a bright, happy ending!

Yes, this is the tale of Ryan, the brave!
Fixer of things, the keyboard he saved!
Wanting of nothing, but needing a shave,
For him there was so much rejoicing!

Probably a bit too much rejoicing, actually.
I mean, it's not like he fixed the economy, or anything.

I'm just sayin'...


While cleaning the rest of the wax from his desk,
though this was a bleak and ridiculous mess,
Ryan felt the need to kneel down and confess,
and to thank the good Lord for small favors...

For Uno, and rhyming, and keyboards with P's...
For smell-good apartments, and apples on trees...
For C3PO, and dictionaries...

And for chords that will wake up my neighbors!

Thanks, God! :)

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Y'know, my friends, i have to be honest with you... God is just really, really good to me. Sometimes i don't feel that knowledge as much as i'd like to. But tonite is not one of those nights.
And that's numbers one through five.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Conan O'Brien For President!!!!!

A few hours ago, i was walking home, and i stepped over a discarded political flier for someone i didn't vote for. I stopped for a moment, and then let out a heavy sigh, reminding myself that the elections were over.


I guess i'm not alone-- i really hate the elections. Mostly all the attack ads, and all the negativity and confusion that they bring. You're just about set to vote for the candidate you believe in, and then you turn on the tv and discover that they once voted in favor of a school bus driver's right to smoke weed on the job, or dogfighting, or something even more outrageous, like higher taxes. And y'think, "Wait, could this be true???"

Who knows...

There was an article in the USA Today after the elections that i wanted to write about, but never got around to. I was planning on quoting it tonite, but it seems as though i've accidentally thrown that paper out.

(I mean... RECYCLED it!!! ...Yes... Yes, i recycled it... :D)

Anyway, the gist of the voter reaction in that particular article seemed to be pretty one-sided; A lot of people were using their votes as a means of protesting against the Obama administration. And, hey, that's fine. I mean, a lot of people are still out of work. A lot of people have been hit pretty hard by the economy, and there's a ton of frustration all across the country. I understand that.

But it looked, to me, like the vast majority of people in that article had forgotten that President Obama's 2008 campaign slogan was "Change we can believe in" and not... "We're gonna change things overnight and y'all're gonna get a big honking check for $50,000 in the mail, along with two complementary scoops of ice cream at your local Baskin Robbins!"

It's like the conversation my cousin and i were having last night. "Hope n change," he texted, "Got all the answers and in 2 yrs a total failure." But when i responded by asking him if he thought it'd be a better idea to do what Republicans appear to want to do now-- to go back to the total economic failures of the previous eight years, he said, and i quote... "U r utterly clueless."

Which, y'know, might be true. But, still... not exactly the best way to win a debate. I'm pretty sure.

The thing that scares me is this feeling i can't shake-- that the conversation i had with my cousin perfectly mirrored what's happening in Washington right now, and what's going to happen over the next two years...


"Okay then, well, uhm... Look, we need to work together to straighten things out. And we're more than willing to listen to your point of view. Do you have any solutions that you can bring to the table?

"..............YOU'RE STUPID!"

Be careful what y'wish for, right-wingers. You got it.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) I had a few days off recently, and, while most of that time was spent trying to overcome sickness, i did get to watch a bunch of movies. And that's never a bad thing!
2) I also, today, took TWO separate naps!!! And each one was more glorious than the one that had come before...
3) I am going back to work tomorrow, though, and i am very much looking forward to it. Miss those kids... Some of them...
4) I was only kidding about the naps. The first one was about six times more glorious than the second one.
5) Conan O'Brien. Very good to know he's going to be back on tv tonite. And, i thought this clip would be appropriate to share, especially in light of tonite's topic. I'll always have a deep, deep respect for him for exiting The Tonight Show with such grace and class.

Movie of the night...
"Conan the Barbarian."

Song of the night...
"There's a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)" by the cast of Glee. I probably could've found a song that better fit the theme of tonite's post, but, the truth is, i just can't get this tune out of my head. It's haunted me for days. Damn you, cast of Glee!!!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Great Rumor Mill Begins Here...

I want to start an internet rumor that this was me back in 1987. Little help...?

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) the moves...
2) the audience reaction...
3) the music...
4) the shirt...
5) the chance that somebody will one day stop me on the street and excitedly say, "Yo, man!!! Aren't you that break dancing guy???" Yes... Yes I am.

song of the day...
"Dancing with Myself" by Billy Idol

movie of the day...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Upon seeing the drugged up raccoon...

Last night on facebook, my friend posted the picture below with this caption underneath...

"I don't get what one thing has to do with the other...? Could someone PLEASE explain what a raccoon wrapped in christmas lights has to do with vanilla and cinnamon black tea?"

And these were the comments that followed...

"Me... It's a well-known fact that raccoons are CRAZY for vanilla and cinnamon black tea. And the Christmas lights are there to remind us, of course, to properly fasten all of our holiday decorations, so as not to accidentally entrap our furry, forrest-dwelling, tea-loving friends.
22 hours ago

Me... Although, the more i glance at it, that cup looks like it's filled with hot chocolate. Which raccoons are also big fans of.
22 hours ago

Matt... ‎^^roflzroflzroflzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!! yu are my hero haha
22 hours ago

21 hours ago

Will... This is too funny!
20 hours ago

Matthew... Meg, thats actually a lemur.. lmfao
6 hours ago

Me... HOLY CRAP!!! ...That IS a lemur!!!! WTF??? They freaking HATE tea!!!
6 hours ago

Meg... I CANT
2 hours ago

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Mark Zuckerberg.
2) I feel good knowing my job doesn't require me to know the difference between raccoons and lemurs. And, for that matter, chipmunks.
3) Tea.
4) Alabama just lost! W'hoooooo!!!
5) The conversation continued between me and Meg on our fb walls...

Meg... That's one of the funniest things I've EVER read
21 hours ago

Me... ‎:) Thanks! Yeah, i was on a bit of a roll there (pats self on back)... but... you do know it's true, right???
21 hours ago

Meg... lmao, yes. funny thing is, i put that down when i saw it, and somehow it ended up being bought, bagged, and put into my kitchen. i flipped out last night upon seeing the drugged up raccoon.
8 hours ago

Me... Man, i wish i was still in a band-- i would totally name our next album "...upon seeing the drugged up raccoon."
7 hours ago

Song of the night...
"Rocky Raccoon" by The Beatles...(raise your hand if you saw that one coming)

Movie of the night...
"The Social Network"

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Scale of one to ten...

On a scale of one to ten, how seriously, seriously wrong is this?

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Harrison Ford
2) Carrie Fisher
3) Alec Guinness
4) Anthony Daniels
5) Current retail price of the above item on ...? $349.95 ...(By the way, it's a tape dispenser).

Song of the night...
"Become a Robot" by They Might Be Giants

Movie of the night...
"George Lucas in Love" ...I don't know how many of you have seen this, but i think it's a must-view. Especially if you're a Star Wars geek like i am. It's a brilliant 8 or 9 minute mix of the original trilogy and 'Shakespeare in Love'. Good times.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Okay, so, i know i should have uncovered this MASSIVE CONSPIRACY sometime before the day AFTER the elections, but... honestly, i'm just too dumb to understand how to upload a video from my iPod touch.

STILL... this is shocking... check this out...


Seriously, am i crazy, or is the same exact person????


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) My friend Abby, who, upon hearing of my problems with uploading, suggested i go the youtube route. Thanks, Abby.
2) The family in the minivan next to me, watching me the whole time with a "What he doin'?" face.
3) Yes, because i have a cold, i was, in fact, devouring a blueberry pop-tart. And it was delicious.
4) Good to see my stellar paper-foldin' skills came in handy on camera. Come to think of it, that was probably the real reason the minivan family kept staring at me... "WOW! LOOK at him FOLD!!!"
5) Okay, so i just watched the video again, and maybe Nita Lowey and Dilma Rousseff aren't the same person after all. But, hey, it wouldn't have been the strangest thing to happen in Washington last night.

song of the day...
"Non-stop to Brazil" by Astrud Gilberto

movie of the day...