Thursday, January 6, 2011

Some typos are worse than otters...

This afternoon I received an email from an institution of higher learnin'. I'm not kidding-- they offered me an opportunity to earn...

..."A Maste's Degree in Creative Writing"

Yeah, uhm... No thanks.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) The thing is, for about a good solid minute, it really bugged me. I thought, "What's a Maste's Degree? ...Is that sort of like... between a Bachelor's and a Master's or...?"
2) The other thing is, of all the letters in the alphabet, you're seriously going to forget the 'R'?????? C'mon, dude.
3) Tonight, I cooked myself a delicious and healthy dinner of Chicken Stir Fry!!!! The number one New Year's resolution on my list is to lose a ton of weight (Literally. A ton.). And, I'm happy to report, I am off to an amazing start!!!
4) Typos from institutions of higher learnin'. I really don't know what this says about my confidence as a writer, but... it really does make me happy to catch this sort of thing.
5) Well, hey, at least, y'know... I guess it is creative, in a way, no...? Maybe that's what they're doing? Breaking new ground? Maybe that's what they were going for...? Maybe it's some sort of French New Wave-kinda... Bohemian-sorta thing where they don't have to, y'know, spell every word correctly, or live by the rules, or bow down to the laws of nature, or shower.


song of the night...
"Spelling Bee" by Missy Elliot

movie of the night...
"Spellbound (2004)"

Monday, January 3, 2011

The 10 Most Crap Movies of 2010...

And now... the turds...

10) "Leap Year" ...made me want to take a leap off of something tall. I snuck in, and I still felt like I paid too much to see it.

9) "MacGruber" ...some things you can see coming a mile away, and you think, "C'mon... Are they really gonna go down that road???" And they did. And, man-almighty that road was dark. Dark and creepy. I don't think I'd ever be able to look Ryan Phillippe in the eyes.

8) "Wolfman" ...I have a theory that the director of this movie misunderstood it as a challenge when he overheard a Hollywood exec. say something along the lines of, "Wow! We've got Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt and Anthony Hopkins in this movie!!! How could we screw that up???"

7) "The Switch" ...made me wish I was watching this at home so I could switch the channel.

6) "Jonah Hex" ...many Worst Of lists put this one at the top, and... well, it's hard to argue that, but I'm going to give it a shot: This movie was so unbelievably unwatchable, that I could not help but to sit there transfixed. I'm talking edge. of. my. seat. trans. fi. xed.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing!!!

It was almost like a carnival. A really, really bad carnival where the fat lady is 110 pounds, the trapeze artists are performing on the sidewalk, and the bearded lady is actually Joaquin Phoenix...

5) "Gulliver's Travels" ...I just saw this one recently. Paid $15.75 to see it in... (ahem)... "3D".

Yes, folks... "3D" glad we brought THAT back.

4) "Clash of the Titans" ...also in "3D".

Really, the greatest thing about 3D is how it's not at all become a cheap gimmick in the hands of hack filmmakers who want nothing more than to rob me out of an extra seven-fifty-- because they know how bad the economy is, and they know how hard I work for every single penny I'm able to scrounge together to go see high-quality entertainment at a multiplex whenever freaking possible...

Or, whatever, scratch that... yeah...

3) "From Paris with Love" ...Because this was released back in February I think a lot of people have forgotten what a piece of dogshit this movie was. Not me. John Travolta's overweight spy in this movie made Megan Fox's performance in 'Jonah Hex' look like Olivier in 'Hamlet'. This thing had at LEAST five moments where you wanted to shout back at the screen, "DUDE!!! YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT IN THAT BAD OF A SITUATION!!! TURN TO YOUR RIGHT!!! DO A LITTLE SHIMMY... BOOM, BAD GUYS GONE!!!"

Aurggggh, I hated that movie.

2) "Sex and the City 2" was like reuniting with an old friend whom you hadn't seen in years. And then finding out that your old friend had turned into an asshole. I loved the women of SATC. I really did. But this movie just completely ruined it for me. These were not the women I remembered from the tv show. These was like a parallel universe of horrible bizarro-Carries, and bizarro-Samanthas, Mirandas and Charlottes. I wanted to shake these women. I wanted to interrupt their every conversation and say, "HEY!!! ...You're better than this."

Two things alone saved SATC2 from being the worst movie of 2010. One, Alice Eve and her enormous-- uhm... "acting abilities". And, two, the undeniable pile of feces that was, hands down... THE WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR...

1) "The Last Airbender" ...I honestly wish i would have seen this in 3D. Because then I would have at least been able to concentrate on how much of a ripoff the format had become. The 3D would have at least given me a halfway decent distraction away from whatever the hell was going on within the so-called movie.

Instead, I was forced to sit there-- to just sit there-- and try to decipher the plot. I was forced to watch the worst acting this side of public television. I was forced to listen to the most inane dialogue in the history of screen not uttered by Dolph Lundgren. I was forced to just sit there and try to figure out, on my own, without any help from the director, or the script, or any of the actors on the screen, whatever the freak it was that I was actually seeing. So, I just sat there. Losing brain cells. By the minute. Slumped down in my seat, sad and festering. I was mesmerized-- But not in a JonahHexy almost-good way.

This was just plain awful.

With Jonah Hex, I kind of (almost) want to say to you, "You won't believe how bad it is! Y'gotta see it for yourself!" But, "The Last Airbender" ...? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Good Night!!!

the five things i fell in love with today...

"Money well spent." It cost me $71 to see these turkeys. I would have much rather...

1) ...contributed the money to a member of the Tea Party.
2) ...bought a ticket to see 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' about eight times.
3) ...Five words: Back. Alley. Wisdom. Tooth. Removal.
4) ...given a few decent meals to an out-of-work CNN newscaster.
5) ...gone down to the Bronx and paid some random dude on a street corner to bash my face in with a hammer.

Song of the day...
"All the single ladies" by Beyonce ...("Here's a song Liza Minella stole from Beyonce... we're stealin' it back!")

Movie of the day...
Best damn bad movie of 2010... "Skyline"!

The 25 Best Movies of 2010...

And, so, yes... I decided to wait until today, January 3rd, 2011 to post my end of the year movie blog. I went right on ahead and wrote this thing on a day when I knew everyone and their brother would be absolutely sick and tired of Best of the Year lists.

A tragic case of short-sighted foolishness?

Or!!! A crafty maneuver of genius??? Hmmmm...

Whatever it was (and it was definitely NOT procrastination, THAT'S for sure!!!), I hope you'll still be able to find a movie among the 25 that you'll be encouraged to check out. I was reading an article today about what a low point the film industry was in from a financial standpoint, but... call me crazy-- I thought this was one of the best years ever concerning the quality of films in theaters. There are GREAT movies out there, my friends. Y'just gotta know where to look!

Anyway, here goes. My list. And I'm sticking to it. And I'm not all that embarrassed to admit it-- 'Eat, Pray, Love' just barely missed the cut!

25) "Shutter Island" God bless Martin Scorsese. I hope he lives forever.

24) "Tiny Furniture" Lena Dunham!!!

23) "Please Give" This movie doesn't have every one of my favorite actors in it, but it comes pretty close.

22) "Cairo Time" Patricia Clarkson is kind of/sort of my hero.

21) "Tangled" When I saw this trailer, I thought this movie looked pretty awful. Clearly, I am not that bright. This was the best thing Disney's done in Icantrememberwhen.

20) "Restrepo" One of the best and most intense war documentaries ever made.

19) "Toy Story 3" Yes, I cried. And so did you.

18) "The Ghost Writer" One of my favorite endings of any movie in years.

17) "The American" Upon second viewing, it might be a touch too heavy on the butterflies. But, still. Great film.

16) "True Grit" Can't wait to see what Hailee Steinfeld does next!

15) "The Kids are All Right" Best two seconds on screen all year: Watch Annette Bening react when Julianne Moore joins the dinnertime conversation at the hour and a half mark of this film. There are about 12 different things going through her mind in such a short time, and you can see all of it unfolding. Pain, anguish, anger, grief-- You can see her trying to hide it for the sake of her kids, and see the exact moment she decides to let it go. She's just amazing.

14) "Greenberg" I've talked to a few people who hated this movie because the title character was such an ass. And I get it, but... Y'know, not really. Ben Stiller had me on the edge of my seat-- Sure, Greenberg's an ass, but will he begin to learn how to become a better person? Will he want to? Is there any hope for him at all? I loved this movie.

13) "Marwencol" Full disclosure: A good friend of mine co-produced this film, and through him I got to meet the director and his wife, another co-producer. All three of these folks are really, really good people, so I was absolutely rooting for them. BUT! --And you should know this about me-- I love the movies too much to put a film on my Best Of List just because I like the people behind it. I wouldn't praise it if it was a piece of turd.

(Worst quote for a dvd cover ever: "Marwencol is not a piece of turd" --Ryan Martin)

Marwencol is really hard to describe. It's better to see it for yourself, really. But, I can just about guarantee that, when you do see it, you'll thank me for it. It's surprising, unique, incredibly entertaining, and-- more than anything else-- inspiring.

12) "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" You know the feeling you get when you look around at your music collection and you're not sure what you're in the mood for, so you sort of lazily go to something reliable, and think, "Well, I'm never disappointed by this album" ...And then you completely fall in love with it all over again, and listen and listen and listen and listen to it for about a month straight...? Yeah, I think this is going to be that kind of movie for me. Scott Pilgrim will probably always make happy.

11) "The Social Network" Aaron Sorkin!!!!!

10) "The King's Speech" Full disclosure: The screenplay I'm (STILL!) writing features a man who stutters. So, a part of me was really hoping this movie would suck. Because, then I could respond when all the bigwigs in Hollywood would inevitably cry out, in unison, "DAMMIT!!! Why can't we find anyone who can write a DECENT movie about a guy who stutters?!?!?!?!?!"

Sadly, The King's Speech was amazing.

9) "The Town" Terribly underrated, terribly under-seen movie. Ben Affleck kind of blew me away!

8) "127 Hours" Unbelievable story. And, sheeshlouise! James Franco! Unreal!

7) "The Fighter" Here's another movie that took me by surprise. Didn't think I'd love this as much as I did. Minor criticism, though-- did you ever notice that Mark Wahlberg can't talk to a kid on screen without doing a Mr. Rodgers impersonation? Drives me crazy. Watch him talk to his daughter in this movie-- does he think she's... y'know, slow or something? Why is he talking to her like that?!

6) "Black Swan" Natalie. Freaking. Portman.

5) "Winter's Bone" I want to say this felt so real, it made me feel like I was watching a documentary. But, I think any rational documentary filmmaker would have dropped his camera and run away screaming a few times during the making of this production.

4) "Inception" I know every secret there is to know about this movie... So, so true...

3) "Rabbit Hole" Heartbreaking, devastating, beautiful, truthful. Can't take your eyes off it.

2) "The Secret in their Eyes" Released in the US in 2010, this was actually the Academy Award winner for Best Foreign Film in 2009. So-- minor controversy to put this film on the list, i guess... I'll probably not get that gig on the Today show now.

But, such a great film!!! It's a bright, stellar and downright horrific mystery mixed with a terrifically-portrayed, bittersweet romance. I don't think I've seen anything like it. Which is EXACTLY the sentence I can say about...


1) "Exit Through the Gift Shop" This one knocked me on my arse. I walked out of the theater that day not knowing exactly what I'd just seen, really. And, it's another documentary that's difficult to talk about without giving anything away. Best to just walk into it with an open mind, and a willingness to question... everything around you, basically.

"Exit" has to be the best movie I've ever seen surrounding the question "What is art?" And it's smart enough to ask that question in a new way, and on a variety of levels. It's confident enough to let you answer that question on your own terms. And it's ballsy and free enough to make fun of you for not asking the question at all.

I don't drink, but I'd have a beer with Banksy.

Very much looking forward to 2011...

The five things i fell in love with today...

1) Seriously, I thought 'Eat, Pray, Love' was really, really good! Don't judge me.
2) Also just missing the cut-- 'Fair Game', 'Waiting for Superman', and 'Easy A'.
3) Some classics I got to see on the big screen again this year-- 'Back To The Future', 'American Splendor' and 'Reservoir Dogs'. Life is good in New York!
4) Not being able to say or write the words "Full disclosure" without giggling, thinking of C.K. Dexter Haven and I, and the eccentric owner of that fancy restaurant who kept coming over to our table talking about fondue. God bless him.
5) Pete Postlethwaite. I just heard the news of his passing a few hours ago. Very sad, terrific actor. May he rest in peace.

Movie of the night...
"Crazy Heart" --missed the Best Of 2009 list, because I didn't get around to seeing it until 2010. Fantastic film, though. Underrated script. (I should point out, that there are three 2010 movies I keep hearing great things about, but have yet to see-- 'Blue Valentine' 'Another Year' and 'Somewhere')

Song of the night...
"We are Sex Bob-Omb" by Sex Bob-Omb