Monday, January 3, 2011

The 10 Most Crap Movies of 2010...

And now... the turds...

10) "Leap Year" ...made me want to take a leap off of something tall. I snuck in, and I still felt like I paid too much to see it.

9) "MacGruber" ...some things you can see coming a mile away, and you think, "C'mon... Are they really gonna go down that road???" And they did. And, man-almighty that road was dark. Dark and creepy. I don't think I'd ever be able to look Ryan Phillippe in the eyes.

8) "Wolfman" ...I have a theory that the director of this movie misunderstood it as a challenge when he overheard a Hollywood exec. say something along the lines of, "Wow! We've got Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt and Anthony Hopkins in this movie!!! How could we screw that up???"

7) "The Switch" ...made me wish I was watching this at home so I could switch the channel.

6) "Jonah Hex" ...many Worst Of lists put this one at the top, and... well, it's hard to argue that, but I'm going to give it a shot: This movie was so unbelievably unwatchable, that I could not help but to sit there transfixed. I'm talking edge. of. my. seat. trans. fi. xed.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing!!!

It was almost like a carnival. A really, really bad carnival where the fat lady is 110 pounds, the trapeze artists are performing on the sidewalk, and the bearded lady is actually Joaquin Phoenix...

5) "Gulliver's Travels" ...I just saw this one recently. Paid $15.75 to see it in... (ahem)... "3D".

Yes, folks... "3D" glad we brought THAT back.

4) "Clash of the Titans" ...also in "3D".

Really, the greatest thing about 3D is how it's not at all become a cheap gimmick in the hands of hack filmmakers who want nothing more than to rob me out of an extra seven-fifty-- because they know how bad the economy is, and they know how hard I work for every single penny I'm able to scrounge together to go see high-quality entertainment at a multiplex whenever freaking possible...

Or, whatever, scratch that... yeah...

3) "From Paris with Love" ...Because this was released back in February I think a lot of people have forgotten what a piece of dogshit this movie was. Not me. John Travolta's overweight spy in this movie made Megan Fox's performance in 'Jonah Hex' look like Olivier in 'Hamlet'. This thing had at LEAST five moments where you wanted to shout back at the screen, "DUDE!!! YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT IN THAT BAD OF A SITUATION!!! TURN TO YOUR RIGHT!!! DO A LITTLE SHIMMY... BOOM, BAD GUYS GONE!!!"

Aurggggh, I hated that movie.

2) "Sex and the City 2" was like reuniting with an old friend whom you hadn't seen in years. And then finding out that your old friend had turned into an asshole. I loved the women of SATC. I really did. But this movie just completely ruined it for me. These were not the women I remembered from the tv show. These was like a parallel universe of horrible bizarro-Carries, and bizarro-Samanthas, Mirandas and Charlottes. I wanted to shake these women. I wanted to interrupt their every conversation and say, "HEY!!! ...You're better than this."

Two things alone saved SATC2 from being the worst movie of 2010. One, Alice Eve and her enormous-- uhm... "acting abilities". And, two, the undeniable pile of feces that was, hands down... THE WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR...

1) "The Last Airbender" ...I honestly wish i would have seen this in 3D. Because then I would have at least been able to concentrate on how much of a ripoff the format had become. The 3D would have at least given me a halfway decent distraction away from whatever the hell was going on within the so-called movie.

Instead, I was forced to sit there-- to just sit there-- and try to decipher the plot. I was forced to watch the worst acting this side of public television. I was forced to listen to the most inane dialogue in the history of screen not uttered by Dolph Lundgren. I was forced to just sit there and try to figure out, on my own, without any help from the director, or the script, or any of the actors on the screen, whatever the freak it was that I was actually seeing. So, I just sat there. Losing brain cells. By the minute. Slumped down in my seat, sad and festering. I was mesmerized-- But not in a JonahHexy almost-good way.

This was just plain awful.

With Jonah Hex, I kind of (almost) want to say to you, "You won't believe how bad it is! Y'gotta see it for yourself!" But, "The Last Airbender" ...? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Good Night!!!

the five things i fell in love with today...

"Money well spent." It cost me $71 to see these turkeys. I would have much rather...

1) ...contributed the money to a member of the Tea Party.
2) ...bought a ticket to see 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' about eight times.
3) ...Five words: Back. Alley. Wisdom. Tooth. Removal.
4) ...given a few decent meals to an out-of-work CNN newscaster.
5) ...gone down to the Bronx and paid some random dude on a street corner to bash my face in with a hammer.

Song of the day...
"All the single ladies" by Beyonce ...("Here's a song Liza Minella stole from Beyonce... we're stealin' it back!")

Movie of the day...
Best damn bad movie of 2010... "Skyline"!


  1. I only saw Clash of the Titans and From Paris with Love. The rest I could tell from the previews are crap. I did have high hopes for Clash. HATED IT! I only saw the other on video when my dh checked it out at the library. Good list!

  2. Thanks, Books for Learning! The original Clash was... well, that was bad, too, but it had some sentimental value to me. Must have watched it about 20 times in my childhood. Couldn't believe how badly they butchered the remake.