Monday, May 31, 2010

Sex and the City 2... part two.

[Again... more SPOILERS...]

Okay, so... there's something of a running joke in 'Sex and the City 2' that Samantha is picking out clothes that are not appropriate for her age. And, i have to say, i thought they wrapped that up kind of nicely, with a cameo from, of all people, Miley Cyrus.

Still, i couldn't really appreciate it because my mind remained focused on a previous scene that was, unintentionally, i'm sure, along very similar lines to the age-appropriate theme.

I seriously had the same reaction to it as i did when i saw 'Precious'. Or a really bad car wreck. Y'know? So horrible but i couldn't look away. Which is a shame, as i think it would have been pretty funny to have been able to turn around and see an entire theater full of people making the same inevitable faces as i did.

Liza Minnelli, Godblessherheart, was shaking and shimmying, and moving her 64 year old ass to Beyonce's "All the single ladies"



Liza Minnell?


Now, i'm not a huge Liza fan, i don't have any of her music hidden away on my iPod, but i do like her-- thought she was hysterical in 'Arrested Development' --so i feel a little bad in saying this, but... dude. It was so uncomfortable. Like watching the Hindenburg in flames. With music. And glitter.

This i will say for 'Sex and the City 2' --if it deserves any award consideration at all, it should be for the performances of the extras in that scene. Every actor was right there, in the moment, dancing away, smiling wide, throwing their hands up, and suppressing every inescapable urge to cringe. I don't know how they did it. Honestly, I'm not kidding-- think about it-- how do you dance so merrily when you're watching the Hindenburg go down???


Okay, back to Carrie for a bit.

I love Carrie Bradshaw... but i hated her in this movie. HATED her. So much so that she actually made me talk back to the screen.

And this is something i hardly ever do. In fact, i can only remember doing it one other time. While watching 'i am legend' i let out a completely cliched, "DUDE! DON'T GO IN THERE!!!" to Will Smith. As if he could hear me. I dunno, i couldn't help myself. It was scary.

Anyway, at one point, Carrie turns to Big and says something like, "Are you upset with me because i'm being such a horrible bitchy nagging wife?" To which i responded, "Yes!!!"

Actually, i may have shouted that.

I couldn't help it.

She was scary.

I mean, c'mon, all the guy wanted to do was watch a little tv after a hard day's work! What the freak, Carrie?!?!?!?!

And i was sitting there in the theater, and i heard myself think that, which i immediately thought was weird, because... y'know, i mean, i'm not married, but i very much look forward to finding a woman to settle down with one day. And, sheesh, i used to have a pretty big crush on Sarah Jessica Parker, and... i dunno, i guess i was just surprised at how quickly i got annoyed with her.

So then, a few scenes later, Alice Eve comes onto the screen, and... well, hey, it's Alice Eve-- and she's gorgeous and buxom and beautiful and, uh, top-heavy, and... buxom, and, y'know, also very talented and probably very smart as well, but, also very... uhm, buxom...... and here she comes, running onto the screen, wearing no bra, and it's in slow motion (or at least it seemed like it was slow motion to me)... and, for reasons that may or may not, at this point, be clear... i thought it was, hands down THE best thing about the entire film.

And i thought to myself, i might have to buy this movie just because of that scene.

The special edition.

On BluRay.

So, then i start to feel guilty about that, because the next scene showed Big and the rest of the guys ogling the young Miss Alice Eve, complete with a snarky Bradshaw commentary, and i thought... "oh, man... am i THAT guy?!?!?!?! ...I don't wanna be THAT guy!!!!!!!"

THAT guy doesn't respect women. THAT guy never looks women in the eye. THAT guy wouldn't be caught dead watching 'Sex in the City'. Is that... ME???

But here's the good news... it's not me. And i have the rest of the film to thank for giving me that closure.

Didn't take me long to realize that whole Alice Eve in loose clothing thing was a bit of a set-up. I mean, how can you NOT notice that??? And, while i'm sure the girl i hope to marry someday wouldn't want me to ogle anyone, i would hope that she wouldn't be the type of person to set me up by asking, "Do you think Alice Eve is pretty?" Or, if she would ask me that, i should hope that she would be more than a little prepared to hear me to say, "HELLS YES!!!"

Noticing a gorgeous woman is not the same as ogling. And, y'know what? I do look women in the eye. Dammit. A strong majority of the time that's exactly what i do... Usually, the only time i don't is when they're running in front of me without a bra. In slow motion.

The thought that this movie made me question my own sensitivity toward women is just another reason i hated it. But, i do respect women.

Just not the women i saw on the screen today.

Case in point... the ending. [like i said... SPOILER ALERT]... So, okay... Carrie sees her ex boyfriend Adian in the middle of Abu Dhabi, they go out for dinner and then they kiss. She feels terribly guilty about it, calls up her husband and tells him about it at two in the morning.

He's pissed. So much so that he can't talk to her about it. So much so that he doesn't pick her up at the airport. So much so that he spends the entire day walking around New York City deep in solemn thought. So much so that ....wait for it...



"I know you don't like to wear a diamond ring, baby, so, here's your punishment. You have to wear this on your finger to remind yourself that we're married."


Carrie Bradshaw cheated on her husband... and she got a big honking diamond ring.

She pulled a reverse Kobe.

And she pulled it on BIG!!!!!



Honestly, i totally expect a 'Sex and the City 3' in which Carrie divorces Big because she realizes how whipped he is.

"Sheeshlouise, John, you used to be so masculine. What happened?!"
"Don't go, Carrie... Here's a necklace."

And then she'll leave him at the door to go out dancing with Liza Minnelli and a scantily-clad Betty White.

"All the single ladies, all the single ladies..."

The five things i fell in love with today...

1) Sarah Jessica Parker in "L.A. Story"
2) Alice Eve in "Starter for Ten"
3) Kim Cattrall in "Ghost Writer"
4) Chris Noth in "Castaway"
5) Cynthia Nixon in that yogurt commercial.

movie of the night...
Testosterone movie number two-- "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels"

song of the night...
"I am Woman" by Helen Reddy. I'm taking it back... because somebody has to.

Sex and the City 2... part one.

I spent a good portion of this long weekend at the movies. With mixed results.

Saturday was kind of a dud-- 'prince of persia.' That was the type of flick that makes me happy i'm not a film critic... not because it was so bad, mind you. It was just so forgettable that, if i had to sit down and write about what i didn't like about it, i'd probably have to make something up.

Yesterday, though, i was at The Happiest Place on Earth-- the Jacob Burns Film Center. There i was rewarded with one of the best double features i've seen in awhile-- a little independent film with a great cast called "Please Give" and the winner of last year's Best Foreign Feature Oscar, "The Secret in their Eyes." While i enjoyed both tremendously, i think it's the latter that will stay with me the longest-- such a brilliant mix of mystery and romance. Really clever and subtle writing, performances. Very much loved it.

Now, a smart man knows how to quit while he's ahead. I, on the other hand, went to see "Sex and the City 2" this afternoon.

Whew, yikes.

People often think that i'm joking when i tell them that i was a big fan of the tv show. And, y'know, i get it. But, i've never been embarrassed by it; I've always been a very proud supporter of 'Sex and the City' ...until today.

The thing i loved most about the show was the writing-- razor sharp, and, at its best, was always about something anyone could relate to-- love, friendships, picking yourself up when you fall down. This movie had a little of that, too, but it was so overwhelmed with glamour and shoes and glitz and more shoes and, most of all, UNBELIEVABLY rude behavior that i couldn't help but think it was written by someone who had never even HEARD of HBO, let alone seen the show.

Watching this movie was like visiting a good friend you haven't seen in a long time and finding out that she's turned into an asshole. i didn't love any of these characters anymore, i wouldn't want to be friends with them, and i was extremely happy when they fell down... except that, they didn't learn a single thing from their mistakes-- and, in fact, were rewarded for them.

[SPOILER ALERTS will follow...]

The girls go to Adu Dhabi-- free of charge, staying in a $2,200 a night palace with their own personal car and butler, and the only thing their host asks them to do (or, really, assumes that they'll do, because who wouldn't?) is act in a way that respects their culture. Instead, Samantha is thrown in jail, basically for reinterpreting the phrase "When in Rome do as the Romans do" to "When in Abu Dhabi- FUCK YOU! I'm a New Yorker!!!"

So, they get kicked out of their hotel, which, i think, is really quite understandable under the circumstances. But these women (who, have i mentioned? i don't even recognize anymore) have a fit, because they ONLY have ONE HOUR to pack up all their belongings and take themselves back to the airport. Which, again, made me think, "well... okay, what's the problem with that...? Plenty of time, no?"


Because these women have literally packed more stuff for this one week trip than i have ever possessed in my life. Charlotte comes running out of her room with a handful of designer dresses that, if sold, could probably feed a family of five for a month and screams about not having enough time to pack everything up, and... I'm supposed to feel sorry for her? Or, worse yet, was i meant to find that funny? Cute, maybe?

Seriously, how in the world is anyone-- especially in THIS economy-- supposed to relate to that?!

Honest to God, they were complaining the entire time-- "Girls, if we don't make this flight, we're going to have to fly back to New York in COACH!!!"

Wow... Poor fucking you.

Honestly, my head was spinning.

But then it got worse. Before catching their plane, they had to make a trip to a crowded marketplace to find a lost passport. While there, Samantha made yet another scene which would've gotten her arrested-- not only anywhere in Abu Dhabi, but most of NYC as well... but, instead, they were saved by a handful of Middle Eastern women who seem to worship New York fashion more than their own religion.

Now, before you read this next sentence i want you to know that I'm being completely serious... I have never before witnessed a better example of why people outside the United States hate us so much. In what i can only guess was a terribly offensive attempt of showing "GIRL POWER" the writers of this movie, in this scene, basically said to the world, "Hey, everyone!!! We're America!!! And WE are BETTER than you, and YOUR WOMEN know it!!!! So, hop on board, you ignorant bastards!!!! Or we will continue to take a BIG New York City-sized SHIT all over your culture!!!!!!"

And then they flew back home.

In their luxury suites.

Ho. Lee. Crap.

So much more to say about this movie... Part two is coming up...

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Camels.
2) Rice.
3) A good shisha on a hot summer evening.
4) Respectful tourists.
5) When totally contrived, and misguided movies make me feel like a better writer.

movie of the day...
I had to watch a couple of guy flicks to get the stench of 'sex and the city' out of my nostrils. Started with a good one: "Live Free or Die Hard."

song of the night...
"I'm a man" by Bo Diddley

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Brand new LOST theory...

Okay, folks, i'm calling this one right now --even though, i'm sure i'm probably the 1,815,108th person to think of it...

The story ends with Kate and Sawyer living happily ever after, raising Aaron as well as Sun and Jin's little girl.

...and a little baby smoke monster.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) confusion.
2) great writing!!!
3) great acting!!!!!!!!!
4) polar bears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) That we know who Adam and Eve were. And, i have to say, even though i was completely wrong about it, it made me really happy to know (or, think) that the writers of the show knew who they were all along. i mean... sheesh, how brilliant is that, really??? Just amazing.

song of the night...
"wash away" by Joe Purdy

movie of the night...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Dumbass sore winners...

Part two of my two-part Saturday night series of things i don't like in sports...

2) Charlie Manuel, manager of the philadelphia phillies.

Here's most of the May 12th article by staff writer Kieran Darcy...


Rod Barajas doesn't mind stealing signs, as long as it's done the old-fashioned way. So the Mets catcher didn't hold back when asked to comment on the controversy surrounding Philadelphia Phillies bullpen coach Mick Billmeyer, who was caught on camera peering through binoculars at Coors Field earlier in the week.

"I've never heard [of] anything like that happening before," Barajas said after Wednesday's 6-4 loss to the Nationals. "I know that they're good at stealing signs, [because] I played there -- the old-fashioned way, which is fine. I'm not going to sit here and say it's wrong that they're doing that. Hey, if they're able to do it, by relaying a sign with a runner on second base, why wouldn't you, why wouldn't you do that? It's gonna be a big advantage."

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel told The Associated Press that Billmeyer was simply watching Philadelphia catcher Carlos Ruiz set up defensively Monday night.

"When you have coaches in the bullpen who are relaying signs -- like you said, I'm not saying that he did it, I don't know what's going on -- but in general, if that's what was happening, I think it's something that shouldn't happen, and it's not part of this game," said Barajas, who caught 48 games for the Phillies in 2007.

"We were not trying to steal signs," Manuel said of the allegations. "Would we try to steal somebody's signs? Yeah, if we can. But we don't do that. We're not going to let a guy stand up there in the bullpen with binoculars looking in. We're smarter than that." But Manuel was not done. The Phillies' chief later turned his attention to the Mets, hinting in a report their home record has a suspicious undercurrent.

"Somebody maybe ought to check the Mets if they did that," Manuel said. "Their [bleeping] home record is out of this world and they're losing on the road. Sometimes that's a good indicator of getting signs and [crap]. I see somebody setting there at (14-7) at home and (4-8) on the road, I'd get concerned about that. That kind of crosses my mind. I'm not accusing them, but you look at that and -- damn. We're about the same home and road. I'm just saying their record is much better at home and they hit better."

This week was not the first time the Phillies have been accused by other teams of stealing signs. In 2007, the Mets alleged the the club was using a center-field camera to gain an advantage. The Boston Red Sox also levied charges in 2008.


Okay, so, first of all... either Charlie was misinformed, or he was flat out lying, because those binoculars were clearly trained on the catcher for the Colorado Rockies.

Or, hey. I'm even willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and give 'em another reasonable explanation for the incident: maybe Manuel was just trying to save Mick Billmeyer a ton of embarrassment because he knew his coach thought that the Rockies' catcher looked so much like Derek Zoolander that he couldn't take his eyes off him.

I dunno, but... that would clear things up for me, sure.

But, here's the problem i'm left with...

Let's say a cop pulled me over and said, "Listen... I'm going to be honest with ya. You musta been going 110 mph just now, and, when i ran your plates, i can see that you have a history of speeding in this county. But, since i didn't have my speed gun on you at the time you whizzed by me... i'm gonna hafta let you go with just a warning."

Now, what kind of a moron wouldn't know what to say in that situation?

"Okay, sir. Thank you, Officer. I'll be sure to be more careful next time. Have a good day, Officer."

Seriously, who in their right mind WOULDN'T say that???

Charlie Manuel. And, probably, Eminem.

Three guesses --which one does this sound like...

"Hey, look here, buddy-- not only was i not speeding, but-- about ten miles down the road a-piece-- i done seen this feller settin' there in his sports vehicle at a traffic stop. And by the looks-a-that man's face what was drivin' that car? i done knows it fer certain that he was a-fixing to be doin' a might-fine days worth a-speeding! So, insteadin' of pulling me over and wastin' my time, you should be taking a looksee for him, is the way i figure."


When you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar, Chuck... be a man, own up to it, and then go about your business like an honest man would. Don't get defensive and make wild accusations out of left field. That's just chickenshit.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Finally having an explanation for the beating Johan Santana took from the phils a few weeks ago.
2) Jose Reyes is back where he belongs!!! Leading off!!!
4) The first girl i ever smooched and i got back in touch via facebook recently. And she told me that she hadn't been kissed like that since... or... no. But, she did have a few nice things to say about this blog, which made me happy!
5) Dumb bets. After a friend sang the praises of 76 year old phillies pitcher jamie moyer the other day, i was willing to bet the taste of one sour grape that Santana would finish off the year with a better ERA average than her man.

Bon apetite, homie.

song of the night...
"your cheatin' heart" by Hank Williams

movie of the night...
"Eight Men Out"

Dumbass sore losers...

On this, the 98th anniversary of the day hall of fame centerfielder ty cobb ran into the stands to beat the crap out of a handicapped man, i thought i'd write about a coupla' things that annoy me in the world of sports...

1) dumbass sore losers.

Last night, for those of you who don't know, an epic hockey game was played in Boston. My Philadelphia Flyers, once down three games to none to the Bruins, found themselves three goals down in the first period of the decisive game seven. But, somehow, some miraculous way, they came battling back to win the thing-- the game and the whole freggin' series. I mean, this was just impossible, but... it happened!!!

In my understandable euphoria, i put this down as my status on facebook...


And good times were had by all!


...except the dude who wrote this...

"So you only root for teams when they win huh? I am a die hard fan of all my teams( Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins). I've seen them finish dead last but, I never stop rooting for them. Stay loyal to the teams you root for no matter if they win or not. Go Red Sox! Go Celtics!"


I mean, i dunno about you, but, where i come from, them's fightin' words.

(or, y'know, if not "fightin'" words then, at the very least, "Yelling really loud while hoping that your homies'll pull you away from the situation before you do, somehow, actually find yourself in a parking lot fightin'" words.)

I got kind of offended. Well, no, not even kind of. I was genuinely offended, which i can see now probably seems pretty stupid. But, basically, the dude called me a fair weather fan, and-- having never been accused of such a heinous foul-- i've never really thought about this before, but... yeah, that's really the worse insult you can bestow upon a sports guy.

It's all about integrity. Y'know? You pick a team, you stick with them, and that's it. And if you can't stand by your team during the rough patches... what good are you?

Now, I know i'm making too much of this, but... somewhere in the back of my crazy, bald head, this makes sense to me: In the Bible (Luke 16:10) it says, "If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones." So, does that mean, if you say you're a faithful fan of the Detroit Lions, but suddenly switch over to the Saints because they won the Super Bowl, you're going to cheat on your wife???

Yes. Yes it does.

HA! No, no, no, i'm kidding.

But, to the avid fan such as myself... in a weird, sick sort of way that i'm not at all proud of, your favorite sports franchise IS actually a tiny bit like your family. You grow up rooting for them, you remember where you were when they finally won the Series, and you remember where you were when they broke your heart.

So, all this being said, i responded to this wicked accusation immediately, and, i think, accordingly. In capital letters...

"DUDE!!! Do a little research before you call somebody out!!! ...i'm a SIXERS FAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That'll show him.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Too many men on the ice in a critical situation.
2) I saw "Robin Hood" this afternoon. Didn't exactly inspire me to... well, y'know, stay awake, but it did provide some context to the awkward line i always saw in the commercials-- "i declare him to be... an OUTLAAAAAAW!!!" I thought, "well... uhm... that was an interesting choice." Turns out he was [SPOILER ALERT ...sort of?] shouting to keep his voice above a disapproving crowd.
3) The Camden Riversharks.
4) I also had considered the thought that this was just the way the actor talked in everyday life. Like, "Hi, welcome to kfc, can i take your order?" "Yes, thank you, i'll have the two-piece chicken meal with a side order... of COLESLAAAAAW!!!"
5) Bryant Gumbel once talked about this much more eloquently than i ever could, but... there's something downright magical about the improbable coming true in sports. I mean, you KNOW that you know how completely unlikely it is for a team to come all the way back from a three goal deficit, or a 10 run lead, or whatever, but... when it does happen-- and when it happens to your "family" ...? There's just nothin' like it.

song of the night...
"(Everything i do) I do it for you" by Bryan Adams

movie of the night...
"Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"

Monday, May 10, 2010


Honestly, it's been forever and a coupla' weeks since i last blogged. And people (meryl) are begging to swear at me.

Very, very, very, very sorry.

And, i'm even more sorry for this blog tonite, as it's really nothing more than an apology for not blogging. I feel terrible about it, really.

Still, it's quite nice to be missed. I mean, sure, most of you who have requested a new posting have done so because you "can no longer stand to walk over to that page and look at those hideous pictures with that disgusting (CENSORED) tongue sticking out."

but... i'll take it.

Much more in the next week, and stuff, i promise.

And, while you're waiting, please accept this picture of me with my tongue kept firmly on the inside of my mouth, as a token of my appreciation...

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Good news is, the screenplay is really coming together!!! ...sort of.
2) So many movies i've seen since i last blogged! Just saw 'iron man 2' in IMAX this weekend. Good times indeed.
3) The bad thing about IMAX, the new trailer for JJ Abrams' new movie "Super 8" could not be shown on such a big screen. BUT!!! I did sneak into another showing of 'Iron man' to watch it!!!
4) The thought that there has to be at least ONE other person out there who doesn't find it odd that i snuck into a theater to watch a trailer.
5) Your very kind patience.

song of the night...
"the real slim shady" by eminem

movie of the night...
"there will be blood"

...seriously very sorry.