Okay, so... there's something of a running joke in 'Sex and the City 2' that Samantha is picking out clothes that are not appropriate for her age. And, i have to say, i thought they wrapped that up kind of nicely, with a cameo from, of all people, Miley Cyrus.
Still, i couldn't really appreciate it because my mind remained focused on a previous scene that was, unintentionally, i'm sure, along very similar lines to the age-appropriate theme.
I seriously had the same reaction to it as i did when i saw 'Precious'. Or a really bad car wreck. Y'know? So horrible but i couldn't look away. Which is a shame, as i think it would have been pretty funny to have been able to turn around and see an entire theater full of people making the same inevitable faces as i did.
Liza Minnelli, Godblessherheart, was shaking and shimmying, and moving her 64 year old ass to Beyonce's "All the single ladies"
Really?
Really.
Liza Minnell?
Eeyup.
Now, i'm not a huge Liza fan, i don't have any of her music hidden away on my iPod, but i do like her-- thought she was hysterical in 'Arrested Development' --so i feel a little bad in saying this, but... dude. It was so uncomfortable. Like watching the Hindenburg in flames. With music. And glitter.
This i will say for 'Sex and the City 2' --if it deserves any award consideration at all, it should be for the performances of the extras in that scene. Every actor was right there, in the moment, dancing away, smiling wide, throwing their hands up, and suppressing every inescapable urge to cringe. I don't know how they did it. Honestly, I'm not kidding-- think about it-- how do you dance so merrily when you're watching the Hindenburg go down???
Amazing.
Okay, back to Carrie for a bit.
I love Carrie Bradshaw... but i hated her in this movie. HATED her. So much so that she actually made me talk back to the screen.
And this is something i hardly ever do. In fact, i can only remember doing it one other time. While watching 'i am legend' i let out a completely cliched, "DUDE! DON'T GO IN THERE!!!" to Will Smith. As if he could hear me. I dunno, i couldn't help myself. It was scary.
Anyway, at one point, Carrie turns to Big and says something like, "Are you upset with me because i'm being such a horrible bitchy nagging wife?" To which i responded, "Yes!!!"
Actually, i may have shouted that.
I couldn't help it.
She was scary.
I mean, c'mon, all the guy wanted to do was watch a little tv after a hard day's work! What the freak, Carrie?!?!?!?!
And i was sitting there in the theater, and i heard myself think that, which i immediately thought was weird, because... y'know, i mean, i'm not married, but i very much look forward to finding a woman to settle down with one day. And, sheesh, i used to have a pretty big crush on Sarah Jessica Parker, and... i dunno, i guess i was just surprised at how quickly i got annoyed with her.
So then, a few scenes later, Alice Eve comes onto the screen, and... well, hey, it's Alice Eve-- and she's gorgeous and buxom and beautiful and, uh, top-heavy, and... buxom, and, y'know, also very talented and probably very smart as well, but, also very... uhm, buxom...... and here she comes, running onto the screen, wearing no bra, and it's in slow motion (or at least it seemed like it was slow motion to me)... and, for reasons that may or may not, at this point, be clear... i thought it was, hands down THE best thing about the entire film.
And i thought to myself, i might have to buy this movie just because of that scene.
The special edition.
On BluRay.
So, then i start to feel guilty about that, because the next scene showed Big and the rest of the guys ogling the young Miss Alice Eve, complete with a snarky Bradshaw commentary, and i thought... "oh, man... am i THAT guy?!?!?!?! ...I don't wanna be THAT guy!!!!!!!"
THAT guy doesn't respect women. THAT guy never looks women in the eye. THAT guy wouldn't be caught dead watching 'Sex in the City'. Is that... ME???
But here's the good news... it's not me. And i have the rest of the film to thank for giving me that closure.
Didn't take me long to realize that whole Alice Eve in loose clothing thing was a bit of a set-up. I mean, how can you NOT notice that??? And, while i'm sure the girl i hope to marry someday wouldn't want me to ogle anyone, i would hope that she wouldn't be the type of person to set me up by asking, "Do you think Alice Eve is pretty?" Or, if she would ask me that, i should hope that she would be more than a little prepared to hear me to say, "HELLS YES!!!"
Noticing a gorgeous woman is not the same as ogling. And, y'know what? I do look women in the eye. Dammit. A strong majority of the time that's exactly what i do... Usually, the only time i don't is when they're running in front of me without a bra. In slow motion.
The thought that this movie made me question my own sensitivity toward women is just another reason i hated it. But, i do respect women.
Just not the women i saw on the screen today.
Case in point... the ending. [like i said... SPOILER ALERT]... So, okay... Carrie sees her ex boyfriend Adian in the middle of Abu Dhabi, they go out for dinner and then they kiss. She feels terribly guilty about it, calls up her husband and tells him about it at two in the morning.
He's pissed. So much so that he can't talk to her about it. So much so that he doesn't pick her up at the airport. So much so that he spends the entire day walking around New York City deep in solemn thought. So much so that ....wait for it...
HE BUYS HER A BIG FUCKING DIAMOND RING!
...as punishment.
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!
"I know you don't like to wear a diamond ring, baby, so, here's your punishment. You have to wear this on your finger to remind yourself that we're married."
.....HOW IN THE HELL WOULD ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE???????? ANYONE IN THE WORLD??????????? ABU DHABI, NEW YORK CITY, DES MOINES, PARIS-- THAT WOULD NEVER, EVER HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!! WHO WROTE THAT SHIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Carrie Bradshaw cheated on her husband... and she got a big honking diamond ring.
She pulled a reverse Kobe.
And she pulled it on BIG!!!!!
BIG??????????????????
WHAT?????????????????????????
Honestly, i totally expect a 'Sex and the City 3' in which Carrie divorces Big because she realizes how whipped he is.
"Sheeshlouise, John, you used to be so masculine. What happened?!"
"Don't go, Carrie... Here's a necklace."
And then she'll leave him at the door to go out dancing with Liza Minnelli and a scantily-clad Betty White.
"All the single ladies, all the single ladies..."
The five things i fell in love with today...
1) Sarah Jessica Parker in "L.A. Story"
2) Alice Eve in "Starter for Ten"
3) Kim Cattrall in "Ghost Writer"
4) Chris Noth in "Castaway"
5) Cynthia Nixon in that yogurt commercial.
movie of the night...
Testosterone movie number two-- "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels"
song of the night...
"I am Woman" by Helen Reddy. I'm taking it back... because somebody has to.
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