Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The best advice I ever got...

I think the best advice anyone can give works on a few levels. It's true on the surface, but can also be adapted to any number of situations. My mom gave me the best piece of advice I'd ever received, and not a month goes by when I don't think about it...

When I was young, she sat me down on her knee, and she said, "Ryan... Never refuse a breathmint."

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Big decision tonite. Do i pack for my trip back home. Or wait until the very last minute and go see "True Grit."
2) Cracker Jacks.
3) Not seeing 'Little Fockers'
4) I like this quote, too, from Eleanor Roosevelt: "Do one thing every day that scares you."
5) Altoids.

song of the day...
"I'll try anything once" by Julian Casablancas

movie of the day...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

So, apparently, I'm attractive.

Upon the advice of the famous and talented C.K. Dexter Haven, I recently joined a dating website called OkCupid. Wasn't really sure what I was going to find there, but, I figured "eh, why not?" Meet new people, network a bit, find a date or two, that type of thing. And, it's free. And I'm all about the free.

I've been on the site for a little over a week now, and have been pretty happy with it so far. I don't think I've met the woman of my dreams yet, but interesting conversations have popped up out of nowhere, friendships have been formed, and I quickly received my first stalker. Which is always good for the ego.

As was the first part of this OkCupid email...


We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know. How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver."

Now, I still don't know exactly what a quiver is, but if it was something that somehow led to more compliments about my appearance, then, I'm all for it. Massive egomaniac that I am.

Although, I should say that I thought it was sort of a weird way to compliment someone. (I'm sure they got "The scales recently tipped in your favor" from a fortune cookie.) And it is a bit of an odd thing to keep a track of, now that I mention it.

Also, I think I would have liked some more specific data ("There are a grand total of 13 men on OkCupid, and, as it turns out, you are more attractive than six of them! Congratulations to you. And, I guess, to your parents as well.")

But, overall, it wasn't exactly the most terrible thing to read about yourself on a Sunday evening.

And, yet, the email continues...

"Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."

I read that and thought, Wait... Suddenly the world is my oyster??? My new "elite" status??? Go ask an ugly friend???

I dunno. I mean, I just now received this email, and haven't really had the time to process it all, but... my first impression is that it all sounds a bit too... Studio 54.


Like I've been on the outside of the ropes on a cold night in NYC, until Steve Rubell spotted me to say, "Come on in, kid, you're one of us." Sure, everyone wants to be included. No one wants to be left out. But, if I know that a host is going to exclude more people than he invites in, based primarily on physical appearance... is that really a party I'd want to walk into?

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it all feels pretty shallow to me. Like they're saying, "We're very sorry, Mr. Martin, had we only known that you were 51% more attractive than some others, we would have let you into the VIP room right away..." And that's kind of ridiculous, enit?

At the end of the day, while I am a sucker for a nice compliment, the only kind words that truly stick with me are the ones that come from somebody I respect. And I think Cupid's aim might have been a little off tonight.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) I got the greatest email in my spam folder the other day: "Get Kim Kardashian hair in minutes!!!" Dream come true.
2) A tuna fish sandwich. (I don't think I've ever even had an oyster.)
3) All my ugly friends.
4) Mike Myers.
5) Beautiful women. I think looks are important. I'm not knocking that. But I also believe that a personality can go a long way in making anyone more or less attractive.

song of the night...
"Pretty (Ugly Before)" by Elliot Smith

Movie of the night...
"Robin Hood"

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Westboro Baptist EXCLUSIVE!!!

Here's a letter, stolen from the desk of Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church...

"The top 20 funerals I wish I could have picketed...

1) Eliot Ness... gay.
2) Frank Sinatra... gay.
3) Mickey Mantle... gay.
4) The 1928 Chicago Bears... gay.
5) Old Yeller... gay.
6) Walt Disney... Straight, but never made an honest mouse out of Minnie.
7) John the Baptist... gay.
8) The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man... gay.
9) Seabiscuit... gay.
10) John Wayne... flamboyantly gay.
11) Liberace... Back in '75, he didn't stop for me when I asked him for his autograph.
12) Adolph Hitler... gay.
13) The shark from Jaws... gay.
14) St. Francis of Assisi... gay.
15) Adrian Balboa... lesbian.
16) That toaster oven I used to have in college... Never quite cooked my muffins as thoroughly as I would have liked. Also gay.
17) John Quincy Adams... "Quincy"??? So, so gay.
18) Paul Lynde... made me lose a fortune in cash and prizes when I was a contestant on Hollywood squares.
19) That gay little Ewok who died near the end of The Return of The Jedi... gay.
20) Jesus Christ... Probably straight, but was way too liberal, hung out with the wrong crowd, disrespected the Sabbath, and consistently showed unconditional love towards all the people I hate. "

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Churches that go out of their way to love their neighbors.
2) It always meant a lot to me-- how Jesus would hang out with the people who were otherwise ignored. I love that about Him.
3) Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

4) Last night I spent about four hours on the phone, cracking up with my amiga C.K. Dexter Haven. She's pretty amazing, and has become a great friend to me in a short period of time. I'm very thankful for people like her in my life. Thanks, Dex.
5) Elizabeth Edwards. May she rest in peace.

song of the night...
"All you need is love" by The Beatles

movie of the night...
"The Passion of the Christ"