Sunday, January 3, 2010

AT&T vs. White Plains vs. Men Without Pants vs. Sea Otters...

i found myself wondering, as i went out to grab some food this afternoon, "who has more money? the city of white plains? or AT&T?" kind of a dumb thing to think about, really, but, if nothing else, it kept me distracted for a little while on an incredibly cold and windy day.

at first i thought, "well, y'know, it's got to be AT&T. they're a multi-bajillion dollar corporation, right?" but then i read later on in the day that the city of white plains gets $1.3 billion in annual retail sales! which is more than i make in a month, more or less.

i don't know how it all works, really-- how much of that dough goes directly into the city, but it must be quite a bundle, as white plains seems to have enough cash to throw parades for even all those little, made up holidays, like valentine's day, and bastille day, and thanksgiving.

but, that type of thing is probably privately funded, isn't it? i mean, the economy is pretty bad all around, so white plains can't have THAT much in the bank. so... yeah, i think AT&T has to have a lot more money. because people are always going to need cell phones. how else are they gonna call up their friends and relatives and complain about how bad the economy is?

anyway, all this came about when i was walking past the AT&T building near my apartment. someone had done a pretty crap job removing all the ice from the sidewalk, and i was wondering who i would be able to sue if i fell on my arse and became bound to a wheelchair, or scraped my knee. would it be the city's fault? AT&T's? i wanted to know who i should be rooting for.

i tell you what, though, i know it would have given me a lot more satisfaction to take money from AT&T. they have this huge parking lot that, if i were to cut through it, would make my blustery trek SO much easier. but standing in my way is this huge and rather intimidating sign, saying something to the effect of...


and then, in smaller print, it says, "For, you see, if you get caught trespassing at night, chances are fair that we've already fed the sea otters. And you simply can't overfeed a sea otter nowadays without the risk of PETA or some shit causing a big ruckus. And no one wants that. And, if you get caught trespassing during the DAY, well, quite frankly, the security guards we have on staff during that time are not exactly crackerjack snipers, so... you see where we're going. Either way, it won't be pleasant. So, just don't trespass, okay, bald guy?"

so uncool. but, needlesstosay, i went the long way around.

HOWEVER! on my way back...? i trespassed.


i know, i know! but you have no idea how freaking COLD it was! it was another one of those days where, as soon as i walked out the door, i thought, "yikes! COLD!!!!! it's so bitter, it feels like i'm not even wearing anything to protect me from the... oh crap... AM I WEARING PANTS???"

(...does this happen to anyone else, by the way? that "oh no! am i wearing pants?!" moment? i mean, y'know, i've never actually done this-- accidentally gone outside without my pants. not even once. but, really... you know how sometimes the frigid air is just so awful that you feel like that scenario could truly be a reasonable explanation for how cold you are? but, you don't look down to check as quickly as you'd like to, because there are cars passing, and you don't want any of them to beep at you, and yell out the window, "HAHA! YOU'RE SO COLD THAT YOU WEREN'T SURE IF YOU WERE WEARING PANTS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" but, after awhile, you do check and then you're all like, "oh, okay, whew! there they are! ...pants." does that ever happen to....?

...yeah, no. it's probably just me, huh?)

so, anyway, as i was trespassing, i decided to come up with a plan, in case anyone tried to feed me to a pack of hungry sea otters. and i'm kind of disappointed that no one did, really, because i think my plan was a good one, and i was a bit curious to see if it would've worked.

i figured, if anyone stopped me-- some large man with a stick, i imagined, his deep voice booming, "excuse me! you don't belong here!!!" --i would have pointed to some random office window and said, "oh, no, it's okay. i'm jack martin's son."

which is true. my dad is jack martin. and i believe that he had once used a telephone that was made by someone who could correctly spell "AT&T." but, of course, my dad had nothing at all to do with any of the office windows i would have been pointing at.

still, i thought that if i'd said it with enough confidence, i would have made the security guy with the stick feel quite dumb for not knowing who my father was. and he would have let me go. either that, or he wouldn't have bought it at all. and he would've chased me, until, in all likelihood, we would have both fallen on our arses, because AT&T did an even worse job of de-icing the parking lot than they did the sidewalks. and then we could have sued those PETA-hatin' bastards together.

good times.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) sea otters.
2) pants.
3) dim-witted security guards.
4) (sigh)... well... my steelers are officially out of the playoffs. but, we'll get 'em next year.
5) my dad.

song of the day...
"ice ice baby" by vanilla ice

movie of the day...
"ice age" not my favorite flick, really, but did you know...? and this is true, apparently, the company that created it is based in white plains.

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