Tuesday, September 29, 2009

going, going, gone? well, there y'go...


turns out it was "beautiful woman walking down the street day" in white plains, new york. if i would've known i would've worn a better shirt. or a tuxedo, or something. i clean up nicely, so i've been told. i don't know if any of that would have given me the confidence to do anything more than i did to celebrate this holiday, but it probably couldn't have hurt.

i'm not at all the guy with a hundred pick up lines. they always sound cheesy to me. and whenever i think of something to say to someone i think is someone i'd like to say something to... i'm afraid it's going to sound like a really cheesy pick up line. and i naturally assume this particular someone has just spent half her day hearing one pick up line after another. and i don't want to come across as annoying.

so i usually keep quiet.

i kept quiet when i saw the ridiculously gorgeous blond at the train station. and i kept quiet when i saw her again a few minutes later across from the italian restaurant. i kept quiet when i was riding on the escalator with the brown eyed girl in black jeans, and felt even more justified in my silence when she rolled those eyes at the dude who looked her up and down.

BUT!!! then i saw a woman walking out of barnes and noble carrying four coffees and something that might have been a scone. i rushed over to see if i could grab the door for her, but not only did she get there quicker than i did, she held the door open for me.

the open door was my open door.

"that's pretty impressive," i said, "i was actually going to see if i could hold the door open for you!"

she was even more ridiculously gorgeous than the ridiculously gorgeous blond. very petite-- couldn't have been more than five feet tall. a natural beauty. with gentle eyes, and a sly, sweet smile.

"aww, thanks!" she said, "and you're a steelers fan!"

"yeah!" i said, "are you a steelers fan, too?"

"no, but, i like your hat!"

"well, there y'go!"





.......and that was it. that was all i could think to say! nothing else. nothing else at all. or, y'know, nothing that wouldn't have made me sound like a dumbass. i kept circling around my brain hoping i'd come up with something-- ANYthing other than, "football's cool!" or "you pretty!" but that was it. that was all i had. that was all my stupid brain would allow. so i just decided to stick with, "well, there y'go!" i think i said it three times as we stood there, nodding our heads. and then i cleverly added "have a good night!" thus officially putting a simultaneous end to both the conversation and the potential of future smoochings.

good one, ryan.

it was exACTly like the scene in the movie 'knocked up' when seth rogan first meets katherine heigl. he makes her laugh, and she introduces herself, and he says, "hey i'm ben." but she's so pretty, and he's such a schlub that they just leave it at that. "okay, well, take care!" ...except, of course, in the movie, he has jason segel by his side to encourage him to start that conversation back up again.

who did i have? my stupid brain. twenty minutes & a half a mile down the road later, it said, "ooh! i know what you should've asked her! 'so, if you don't like the steelers, who's your team?' she might have said, 'the jets' or 'the giants' or whoever-- didn't matter! you know football inside and out! you could have kept that conversation going for HOURS!!! ooh, ooh! OR!!! you know what ELSE you could have said??? oh, this would have been SO GREAT!!! it would've swept her off her feet..."

(sigh)... good one, brain.

i talked to my friend, the catwoman, about all this, and she confirmed the worst. that, yes, "in womanspeak, hat = ass. you blew it." but she also said that there were other fish in the sea. and sharks and squid. piranha and barnacles.

but i'm going to sleep well tonite, because i've made up my mind that, even though i didn't notice a ring, she was probably married. and that's who she was carrying all that coffee for. her husband. and he was 7' 3. and he needed all that caffeine because he was a mixed martial arts fighter. and he was preparing for his next fight with randy couture. except, he was just about to receive a phone call from randy's trainer saying that randy had a bum knee and had to withdraw. and that would've made him angry. really angry. because he was ready to pound someone. especially randy couture. because his wife had once held the door open for randy. and complimented his hat.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) seth rogan.
2) my coworker split her pants today. and i can't remember how she said she did it. all i remember is her saying, "it wasn't because i farted!!!" which... the more i think about it, is incredibly intriguing.
3) the catwoman. one of my best friends of alltime. and --i'm sorry, folks-- but THE funniest person i've ever met.
4) the guy making an announcement on the train the other day, asking people to respect the passengers around them. he actually said this: "no one wants to hear your conversations. especially if you're loud and obnoxious."
5) scones.

song of the day...
"gone fishin' " by louis armstrong and bing crosby

movie of the day...
"knocked up"

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