Thursday, September 24, 2009

eharmony royalty...

i was just casually browsing through my eharmony matches, and found this very interesting woman from south carolina. she's not really from south carolina, but i'm trying, for reasons that will soon become apparent, to hide her identity in as many ways as possible. an example...

"tonite, eharmony was kind enough to match me up with an alpaca farmer from south carolina by the name of trampy."

now, her name isn't really trampy, but... it might as well be. for, if i were in charge of putting a caption underneath the six pictures trampy decided to share with her potential suitors, it would go... a lil summin' like this:

1) hello! i'm a very sweet woman who loves to laugh!
2) AND i am also a ho!
3) annnnnnd, here are my boobs!
4) might i interest you in my bed?
5) did i mention i was a ho?
6) ho! ho! ho!

lol, it was pretty unbelievable.

i couldn't help myself, i had to go onto her page and see where trampy was coming from-- if, for no other reason, to come to a better understanding of why exactly mr. harmony decided to set us up.

turns out, she loves her family, because they "thaught me generososity empathy".

the first thing you'll notice about trampy? "loyale,sincery,honest,funny peerson.hard worker,carryng, lovely,interested person".

she loves to read, and particularly enjoyed the "Magic JOHSON BOOK".

and what is it that trampy is looking for in a person? (ahem)...

"Im strong faithul person, Im looking for a serious and deep re-lastionhip.This special person who is ready to be commited. Im honest, sincery and know what Im looking For. Im not here for a game.Im looking something more than to have sex. Please you are not ready to be commited don;t writte me because Im serious of my choice ,And i want to have my own family and my own kids. THis person who can love me and I can love him back,, Im not looking or cheater person.and Im free to be spend a lottime with him on the week end, he will treat me as a queen and I as a King"

...honest to pete, i just read that paragraph aloud three times, and i couldn't do it without sounding remarkably like steve carell's character from 'bruce almighty' when jim carrey messed up his teleprompter: "i... lika da doo... da cha cha...?"

but, really, trampy sounds like an interesting person, and she truly might be a sweet girl, but i don't think she's for me. because, while i do admit to being a touch crazy, i'm not quite ready to be commited just yet.

and i don't know what a re-lastionhip is. or why she might be looking for a serious and deep one.

nor do i know who magic JOHSON is. and i probably don't want to read his BOOK.

and, while i'd like to meet a funny peerson as much as the next loyale,lovely,hard worker, i remain a bit confused as to what she might be so interested in. and what she might be carryng.

also... i'm not sure about how i would treat her if we ever met. i mean, sure, on the week end, i'm free to be spend a lottime with her, too, but would i be expected to treat her like a queen AND a king? or just a queen? or just a king? or just a king during the week ends, and a queen during the week days? or the reverse of that? should i buy her a tiara? or a scepter? or both? i really didn't get that.

and i want to. i really want to, because, again, while i'm not interested in trampy for myself, i respect someone who is not looking or cheater person. and i thaught someone like that should find another not looking or cheater person to call their own. and so i was thaughnking that maybe trampy should be more clear as to what type of royalty she would like to be treated as. and when... she would like to be treated as such. because... oh, i dunno, forget it. it was just a thaught.

wow, i really hope trampy never reads this. i think i may have overdone it a bit.

trampy...? bless your heart, if indeed you are reading this, i apologize. and i apologize sincery.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) i just googled "ion hip", and it gave me 2,330,000 results. then i googled "re-last ion hip" and it gave me 55,700 results. and THEN i googled "i'm looking for a serious and deep re-last ion hip" and it said, "dude! what the hell???"
2) i saw 'the wizard of oz' on the big screen last night with the smart lady. such a fun night, such a classic film!
3) saw some great tv tonite! 'flash forward', 'the office' and 'community'! REALLY, really good writing!
4) conviction: if i ever have kids, there's no way i'm putting a leash on him. blech.
5) eharmony. most of the people i've met-- either online or in person-- have been really wonderful. and, i meant what i said about "trampy". maybe she really is sweet. i just kind of hated the way she put herself out there.

i mean, i know i make a bunch of typos, but i try to make as many corrections as i can, y'know? she could NOT have been making her best effort there, right? and, sheesh, years from now, when my grand kids ask me what the first thing was that i noticed about grandma, i don't want to have to say to them, "cleavage."

song of the day...
"do you realize??" by the flaming lips

movie of the day...
"bruce almighty" the scene i mentioned above is still one of the funniest things i've ever seen on film. "and my tiny little nipples went to france... uhm, uh..." HA!


  1. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was using a wireless keyboard with a broken backspace key and failing batteries. And that she's Russian and has only learned English in the past...say...2 months. And she is really a nuclear scientist, but doesn't want men to feel intimidated.

    (I'm embarrassed to say that I spelled "benefit" wrong when I started this message. And "embarrassed" wrong later on. Thank you, spell checker!)

  2. I'm speechless. I almost peed myself reading that, I was laughing so hard...