Friday, September 18, 2009

taking drastic measures to lose weight...

first, the good news! according to the scale at work, i lost TWO POUNDS this week!!! w'hoooooooooo!!!

the bad news? the scale at work is a liar. i know this because right before i weighed in, i heard it whisper, "oh, bless his heart."

it knew that i'd gone to burger king three times this week. it knew that my breakfast tuesday morning included more than one piece of salt water taffy. and it knew about all the ice cream i had for dessert on wednesday evening... and for dinner last night.

it's a compassionate scale. and while i do appreciate its sympathy, i would also like to take this time to send it this public reminder: the road to obesity is paved with good intentions.

y'know, this happens to me a lot-- about every fourth or fifth time i order a coke at a restaurant somewhere, the waiter will say to me, "okay, you said, 'DIET coke'?"

and when i tell them, again, that i asked for a regular coke, they'll usually shoot me this slightly stunned look, as if they want to say, "really?! are you... are you sure you're not on a diet? because... i gotta tell ya, jabba, when i saw you waddle on in here, i didn't think there was a CHANCE that seat was gonna support your fat ass."

i don't tip those waiters. or pay the bill, actually. don't let the belly fool you, i'm quite swift. never met a manager of an applebees that i couldn't outrun.

anyway... all this to say that the previous seven paragraphs should be enough motivation for me to lose weight, but it doesn't seem to be working. i've not fallen completely off the wagon, but i am starting to lose my grip a little bit.

i set an ambitious goal a month or two ago to weigh in at 180 pounds by the end of the year. to get there at this point would mean losing 3.328 pounds a week, which isn't... terribly out of the realm of possibility but, from what i hear, isn't exactly healthy either.

so, here's the new goal. i want to lose two pounds a week-- two pounds, according to the scale in my apartment (the cold-hearted, sans-mercy, but bitterly truthful bastard that she is). there are 15 more weeks until the end of 2009, so that's 30 pounds. i would be very proud of losing 30 pounds.

of course, i would have been proud to lose 30 pounds six months ago, or a year ago, and so on, and so on, which begs the question, why is this time going to be different? and it's a fair question that deserves a serious answer. sadly, all i can tell you is this: it will be different this time because of facial hair.

my friends... if i do not lose thirty pounds before friday, january 1st, 2010... i will grow a mustache.

now, this might seem silly to a lot of you, but that's only because it's really, really dumb. still, and believe me when i tell you this, it's impossible-- IMPOSSIBLE-- to describe how ridiculous i look with a mustache. i'm no authority on the topic of gay porn stars from the 1970s, but i do think that's pretty much what my face looks like in a mustache. except, if i don't lose those 30 pounds, i'll look a good deal like phillip seymor hoffman's character in 'boogie nights'.

so, there it is. not all that long ago, at my largest, i was 235 pounds. this morning i was 226.6. and i have 196.6 pounds in my sights!!!


(author's note to the good-lookin' single ladies who happen to be reading this-- don't be alarmed when you read 226.6 pounds!!! i'm actually 7 feet tall)

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) encouraging, caring friends who will not tempt me with chocolate and french fries just because they reeeeeeeeeeeally, really want to see how stupid i look in a mustache.
2) remembering before i walked out of the day care center to take the snow white sticker off my shirt. good times.
3) new car smell!!!! my homie got a new honda civic! congrats to her!!!
4) when i told the new car owner that she would probably make my blog tonite, she said, "because of my smell?" to which i replied, "uhm... yeah, sort of."
5) outsmarting my enemies: wait-- did i say "tempt me with chocolate and french fries"??? sorry, i meant to say, "i hope they don't tempt me with brussel sprouts and beets!" mmmmmmmmmm!!! brussel sprouts and beets!!!

nom nom nom

song of the day-- a tGif special!!!
"weekend" by saloon. amanda gomez' vocals are so beautiful that it took me four listens of this song to start wondering whether she was singing in french or just mumbling. in fact, i'm still not sure.

movie of the day...
"the thin blue line"


  1. Ryan! It's been too long. I once again extend my invitation for the next time you are in Jersey :-)

    I am on a mission as well, to loose 20 pounds by January (when I get married). That's 5lbs a month. Very doable you say? Sigh. I once lost 40 lbs, and 20 seems like 5 times more some days.

    I'm with you, my friend... here are some brussel sprouts and a nice glass of water :-)

    You can do it!!!

  2. thanks, janelle!!!!!!!!!!!!! you're so great!!!

    i'm sure your 20 pounds'll come off faster than my 30. would bet my goatee on it! LOL!

    save your sprouts, but i'll glady accept the water! thank you!!!