Friday, September 11, 2009

"hey, what's that smell like to you?"

you never know what you're going to hear when you walk into a new church. you could hear something true, something boring, something thought-provoking, something offensive... or someone could say something jaw-dropping, making you take a look at a familiar verse in the Bible in a brand new way. but, a couple of months ago, i walked into a church and heard this sound...


few things in the entire world are funnier to me than someone farting in church. it's how i know i could never be a pastor. pastors tend to rise above that sort of thing; i don't know how they do it. i would just stop in the middle of my sermon and say, "wow! who DID that??? that was aMAYzing! i didn't know taco bell served breakfast on sunday mornings!"

actually, i think it might be better if pastors did stop to acknowledge such things. just to get it out in the open. because, after the toot is heard, everyone in the congregation just freezes. and that's the funny part to me-- it's like it's choreographed: sit up real straight, try our damndest not to laugh, put on the most serious face we can muster, and pretend to be concentrating very, very hard on what the sermon's about-- although we all know that's the LAST thing we're really doing.

no matter how people are in the pews, inside everyone's mind it's the same thing: "just pretend it didn't happen, just pretend it didn't happen, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, nobody farted, nobody farted, nobody farted, virgin mary, virgin mary, virgin mary-- urgh!-- you can't smell that, you can't smell that-- blech! NO! you can't smell that, deuteronomy, dueteronomy, dueteronomy..."

i mean, c'mon! that's hysterical! so, why can't we just recognize the faux pas, deal with it and move on, right? silly problem, easily solved.

eh, probably not, but... a man can dream.

by the way, for those of you who've read my stuff this week and are thinking this was something of an uncomfortable segue between tonite's entry and my recent political opinions... well, yeah, i can't really argue against that. but! you might be interested to know that the inspiration for tonite's blog came after a careful re-examination of the photograph below...

no, not, joe wilson. we've seen enough of him already. look instead at the men surrounding him, and tell me they don't look EXACTLY like they've just heard a fart in church.

it's uncanny, isn't it?

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) melina mara of the washington post, who took the above photo.
2) subway meatball sandwiches. with provolone cheese.
3) we have a bunch of great kids in our class this year! so cute!!! and very mellow! which served me well today-- working on four hours of sleep after watching my steelers last night! lol
4) speaking of segues-- my steelers are UNDEFEATED!!!! w'hoooooooooooooo!!!
5) the verbal flatulence of congressmen everywhere.

song of the day...
"smells like teen spirit" by nirvana

movie of the day...
"blazing saddles"

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