Monday, August 17, 2009

so, this hippopotamus, a dinosaur and a security guard walk into a mall...

just came back from the westchester mall... i kind of have a love/hate relationship with that place. or loathe/hate. it's a very uppity mall, very chic. and i am not very chic. i know this because whenever i go into half of those stores, i have at least three security guards following me around at all times. and they're not even subtle about it, always looking directly at me, while speaking in code into their walkie talkies, "firefox, this is grumpy bear, over." this is firefox, come in grumpy bear. "be advised, firefox, we have a possible 3-14 in sector 7-H. repeat: we have a possible 3-14 in sector 7-H."

i can only assume a "3-14" means something like, "a poor, overweight man in ripped jeans and bad haircut lurking around next to items he could never even hope to pay for without giving up one or both of his kidneys."

very snooty mall. everything is carpeted, and there's a louis vitton and a gucci's and a tiffany's, and you're surrounded by women with dogs in purses, and 66-year-old men who waited to get married and have children until they accumulated enough wealth to be able to afford the trophy mistresses on their arms... and you could also find me there more often if i win the lottery tomorrow night!

lol, no, i don't know. but i've been thinking about that today... i bought three tickets-- the jackpot is up to $170 million. (yikes!) and, i was wondering if i'd spend less time in target if i won all that money. and, who knows, really, but... i'd like to think not.

if i did have a ton of dough, and wanted to get something expensive, i think the plan would be this: don't shave for two months. don't bathe for one month. wear some vintage salvation army gear, and walk into about a dozen stores. and whoever treated me with the most humanity gets my business. good times! i would definitly do that.

but, there is one store i know i wouldn't shop in again no matter what, and it has nothing to do with finances or status. i went in there a year ago and saw a pair of khakis i wanted to buy, when a little 120-pound kid with enough gel in his hair to accomodate six varsity slip and slides leans into me and asks, "hello, sir, can i help you?"

i chose to ignore the fact that he called me sir, and said to him, "yes, i was wondering if you had these in a size 38?" and he just looked at me as if i was the first person to have ever said that in the world. "a thirty... EIGHT???" he said. just like that. as if i had just randomly recited to him some dr. seussian rhyme-- "i like these pants, but they just won't do. say! could i have them in a box with a frumpa-trumpa-loo???"

"a thirty... EIGHT???" he asked me again! to which i said, "YES! a thirty eight." and he just stood there, saying, "uhhh... uhmmm...... uhhh..." for about a minute. like he wanted to say, "sir? is that an actual SIZE?! i mean... can a human being actually BE that fat??? or, oh, i'm sorry, are you purchasing a gift for a hippopotamus?"

skinny little shit.

...(sigh). i'm gonna go do some sit ups.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) how silly i can be-- yes, i did spend a good four minutes wondering if "trumpa" sounded funnier than "brumpa"! LOL!
2) being three-years-old and knowing just what you like. as "michael" said to me this morning, out of nowhere: "ryan, i like train tracks. and i like pizza. and i like dinosaurs. but sometimes my dinosaurs are stinky." (he actually meant to say "extinct" but... i haven't had the heart to talk to him about that yet).
3) coming to the stunning realization today that "carpet diem" is not, in fact, latin for "seize the carpet."
4) the kid on sportscenter this morning who caught two foul balls in the same game! he got a well-deserved standing ovation-- so cool. seriously, he is never going to forget that as long as he lives.
5) people who treat people with humanity, no matter how often they bathe.

song of the day...
"misirlou" by dick dale & his del-tones.

movie of the day...
"pulp fiction" --this is without a doubt, a masterpiece. it's in my alltime top ten. i could watch this film over and over.

1 comment:

  1. You should definitely have sat on the little twerp. Though his gelled hair might have poked your bum uncomfortably.

    Now I desperately want you to win the lottery, just so you can do your experiment.