Monday, August 10, 2009

how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if he stuck his foot in his mouth?

i love working with women.

if, for no other reason, i get the inside scoop on what not to do, and what not to say to them. i hear their stories about horrible dates, and of strange, greasy men who whistle at them, and i take mental notes ("hold door open for the lady... no burping directly into the telephone..."). i stand on the shoulders of gigantic mistakes. and i try my best not to repeat them. and sometimes i'm actually successful at it.

honestly, though, i don't think even i would've needed much help in avoiding the latest dilemma. i mean, everyone puts their foot in their mouth at some time or another, but, wow. c'mon, i mean, if you really need someone to tell you not to say this... yikes.

but, just in case you're out there... here's the thing, guys...

no matter how much she talks about wanting to lose weight. no matter how many hours she's at the gym. no matter how many conversations you've had with her about how hard of a struggle it truly is to lose those last five pounds. no matter how many times you catch her screaming out loud at her scale, with absolutely nobody else in the room, "YOU'RE A FILTHY LIAR!!!" no matter how often she tells you that she needs you to be supportive in her battle against cellulite, and no matter how much of an encouragement you THINK you're being... do NOT-- i say again-- do NOT point to the "small portion, low fat" part of the menu and say to her... "you might be interested in ordering from this page."

oh, no he didn't.

oh, yes he did.

...oh no... he didn't...?

oh. yes. he. did.

this tale comes from my coworker victoria (names have been, and will almost always be changed to protect the innocent. and because of potential lawsuits), and we had a lot of fun in thinking about what the best comeback might have been-- instead of, and/or in addition to glaring at him, and ordering the most fattening thing from the menu. here are my favorite three...

"you might be interested in the position of my middle finger."

"you might be interested in blocking your face before i punch you in your tiny, little pin head."

"you might be interested in all those penis enlargement articles i've been clipping out for you."

five stars and a standing ovation for victoria's feller-- for making the rest of us chuckleheads look so much better in comparison. if only for one weekend.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) stupid men.
2) the knowledge that my walk to the train station is four minutes faster if i've got rage against the machine on my ipod.
3) that i survived the big, honkin' crack o'lighting right outside my window a few seconds ago. jeepers!
4) the hope that those are indeed woodchucks i've been seeing at the stream towards the end of my street, and not, as some have said... "swamp rats."
5) pseudonyms.

song of the day...
"guerrilla radio" by rage against the machine

movie of the day...
"close encounters of the third kind."


  1. I was totally watching that lightning storm with my bosses in the dark and drinking wine and listening to the doors. I know, you're totally jealous. And I'm drunk. I mean seriously...four large glasses does that to a woman.

  2. "when you're straaaaaaange... "


  3. I love that song. I went through my texts this morning and I'm proud to say that even when I'm drunk-texting I keep things pretty much the same as while I'm sober! I sent one or two that I probably wouldn't have while sober but they weren't "bad" enough to embarrass me today :-) lol

    When are we going to play?