Friday, August 21, 2009

holy virtual cow!

about a month ago, a couple of good friends of mine insisted that i become their farmville neighbor. i responded in much the same way pheobe did when ross asked her if she could help him move-- "oh, i would, but i just don't want to."

farmville is one of many facebook applications that takes place in a virtual community. you start off with your own plot of land and you acquire livestock, and grow stuff. wheat. strawberries. pumpkins and so on. you can build barns and fences. you can plow your own land and plant all sorts of seeds. and you can become virtual neighbors with those of your friends who are also... y'know, bored enough to have joined farmville.

i was hesitant to do it, at first, but they are my good amigos, and they kept going on about how much fun it is. so, i thought, "okay, why not? i don't get it, but, why not? maybe i'll see what all the fuss is about."

and, y'know, i have to say-- now that i think of it-- i've been a farmvillian for well OVER a month, and, really, they were so very wrong. i still don't know what all the fuss is about.

now, you have to understand, i've actually had to expand my farm. my virtual farm. it's getting pretty big. i have a good chunk of land, 3 cows, 4 horses, 6 pigs, 5 ducks, 3 chickens, 4 bunnies, 8 white sheep, 5 black sheep and a whole forest of trees! i don't even know how many different kinds of vegetables i've planted. i'm spending a lot of time on this farm, and yet... i. still. don't. get it.

y'know what it is? did you ever read a book and you're about halfway through it and, even though you hate it, you want to keep on reading because 1) you're thinking, "well, maybe-- just maybe-- it'll get good towards the end" or 2) you know it wont be any good towards the end, you're losing brain cells with every turn of the page, in fact, and 267 of your closest friends have already told you it was the worst thing they had ever read in their entire lives, but, doggone it, you still keep reading because you feel like you've invested twenty-eight-too-many-gosh-damn-hours to freaking turn back now, that's what farmville feels like to me.

well, a little. i mean, i don't hate tending to my virtual farm. i just don't know why i'm doing it. it's like, "oh, my apple tree is ready to be harvested. (walk, walk, walk... harvest, harvest, harvest.... collect a virtual coin) ............ okay..."

and i'm a horrible neighbor. people are always sending me their precious livestock out of the kindness of their virtual hearts and i do absolutely nothing for them. "ryan! sally has given you this chicken! would you like to return the favor???" uhm... no. but, hey, thanks for the chicken. mmmmm! chicken!

and then it hit me this morning: maybe i'm just not a farmer. so i decided to head on over to another virtual facebook community called yoville. same type of thing, except, instead of picking wool off sheep, you can decorate your own virtual apartment. cool! i love hgtv!

except, as it turns out, your apartment is pretty bare. and you have to earn coins to get furniture and rugs and paint and stuff. and, to earn such things you have to go out into the virtual community and virtually chat with the avatars of your friends. and, y'know, i don't want to call someone up some day and hear them say to me, "ooh! you know what? let's talk in yoville instead, because i could really use another floor lamp." "but... my sister just called, and she told me our pet dog just died and we had him since he was a puppy, and i could really use someone to talk to right now.... hello? ...hello...???"

you can also earn these coins by working at the "factory" down the road. making... breadcrumbs or something, i don't remember what it was, really, i was losing interest at that point. what really sent me over the edge was when the factory manager (...?) told me, "the factory isn't open yet. please come back in five hours." i was like-- dude, i'll be at the movies in five hours. the real movies. because i have a real day off. from my real job. and... you want me to come rushing back in the middle of 'inglorious basterds' so my avatar can make a bunch of virtual breadcrumbs for you and your virtual minimum-freaking-wage salary? no thanks.

i was looking for the button to push which would have made me virtually moon him, but i couldn't find it. which is good, i guess, because i would have probably been virtually fired before i even virtually clocked in.

one last thing. my avatar is much better looking than i am. he's all skinny and his eyes are bluer and he's got cooler clothes, and there's no grey in his stubble. and, crap as it is, his apartment still seems roomier than mine. i think that would just depress me after awhile. y'know? i want to come home to a virtual living area that will make me feel much better about my real life. when i have a bad day, i want to flip on the computer and say, "urgh, this day was SHIT! ...but at least i dont look like that fat bastard."

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) 'friends' y'know what? i don't care who knows it-- i love that show!
2) the thought that my reporting skills may be even better than the guy on nbc this morning, who stumbled through this little gem, "it's amazing that anyone made it out of this plane crash alive, because it just erupted into a fiery... fiery fireball, and, uh, uhm, the uhh..."
3) hgtv
5) not to brag or anything, but i also have a virtual butter churn. (actually, i kind of wish i was kidding about that).

song of the day...
"chick habit" by april march

movie of the day...
"death proof" ...oh my word, rosario dawson... yowza.

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