Sunday, August 30, 2009

the dog says good night: the hall of fame, part 1...

i work with a woman who is very smart. and, if she wasn't very smart, none of this would be funny. it's like, if a blind man walks into a wall. not funny. pretty sad, actually. but if a man with 20/20 vision walks into a wall? very funny.

and this woman is hysterical. sometimes intentionally so. but, more times than not... bless her heart, it's like she's walking into a wall. and then she'll get up, and brush herself off, and laugh about walking into a wall. and then... she'll walk into another wall.

figuratively, of course.


anyway, sometimes smart people say stupid things. and so, to celebrate this fact, we created the hall of fame. a list of things this woman has said that will make the rest of us tilt our heads and say, "......WHAT???"

now, i need to point out that, while she does tend to dominate the hall of fame, there are others on this list. myself included. once-- and i don't remember saying this, but it's right there on the hall of fame so there's no point in trying to deny it-- i said to my coworkers, "my shower water's too wet."

lol, genius.

here are a few more moments to savor. again, not all of these quotes belong to the smart lady. but if it makes you laugh a lot...? yeah, it's probably hers.


"he's going to visit the pyramids in philadelphia that they're shipping in from egypt."

"these apples smell like apples."

"and, yes, i know i'm excuse-ing myself..."

"look at my finger! i papercutted it yesterday."

me: "so i went 8 - 3 in my football picks."
smart lady: "wow! you got 8 out of ten?!"

"okay, kids, now we need to get the cinnamon and the nutmug."

"ryan, could you reach that for me with your incredible length? uh... i mean, uhm... height?"

"504 minus 20 is... 481. no... wait......... 486?"

"we're getting a lot of butternut squash out of this butternut squash."

smart lady: "what's it called? the place they pitch? the pitching dome? the pitching... heap?"
me: "the pitching mound?"
smart: "YES! thank you!"

"is 'good luck' one word or two?"

"ryan, you really need a pedicure, because the fingernails on your feet are gross."

me: "today i am a happy man!"
smart lady: "so am i!"

"so far so not so good."

"wait, didn't albert einstein invent electricity in the 1900's?"

"that's what they do in irishland."

actual song lyric: "the bright blessed day, the dark sacred night."
smart lady's version: "the bright blessed day, the dog says 'good night.' "

"that's the name it?"

"wow! you're a great job that you did!"

"that was a hilarious."

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) the fact that, when she reads this blog, i know that the smart lady is going to laugh even harder than i just did!
2) the edge, jimmy page and jack white-- all featured in a great film i saw yesterday called 'it might get loud'.
3) i don't have to set my alarm!!!
4) tomorrow's a complete mystery. i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do, and i love days like that. so wide open...
5) not necessarily deeply in love with this, but, to be fair, she was right. the fingernails on my feet are pretty gross.

song of the day...
"what a wonderful world" by louis armstrong

movie of the day...
"dumb and dumber"

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