Tuesday, February 16, 2010

chess update...

smack talk among my friends and relatives is pretty commonplace, no matter what we're playing. air hockey, basketball, gin rummy. kinda comes with the territory. i dish it out and i take it. because there's (almost) always an underlying tone of "hey, we're just having fun. no worries." but, if i'm competing against someone i don't know, obviously, i lay off, because... well, because i don't want to come across as a dick.

i used to think this was pretty much a universal thing, until a few weeks ago, when i was playing facebook chess against a complete stranger. now, y'have to understand, that when you invite people to a chess match on facebook, you have the option of adding a little message. "hi! who wants to play chess with me?" or "hi! i'm from minnesota!" that sorta thing... i always write, "hi! i suck at chess!"

so, to say that this dude was wiping the floor with me, wouldn't have been a surprise. to him or to me. and yet, he felt the need, somehow, when it was clear that he was beating me soundly, to send me this message...

"yer toast."

...i'm TOAST?! well, i mean, yeah. as it turned out, he was right. i was toast. but, still... he was a dick. and i'd rather be toast.

i challenged him to another game, but he whipped my tail. quickly, but in silence, this time. which was appreciated.

last week i started a game against a dude who was about 2,000 points better than me (2,000 facebook chess points, and, probably 2,000 iq points). but, i was surprised by a few of the moves he made, because i took his queen quite easily, and pretty much made him eat his knights and a coupla' pawns for breakfast. i was beating him slowly but surely-- or, at least, that's what i thought, until he told me...

"stop checking me, when it's not going to do anything, it's pointless."

i didn't understand what he meant, really. pointless? wasn't i... beating him? or did he have me right where he wanted? what was i missing??? i looked over the board for hours and hours (or, y'know, a few minutes), and i still couldn't see how i wasn't beating the ever-loving crap out of him. but, not wanting to sound like a dick, i didn't want to tell him, "what's so pointless about beating the ever-loving crap out of you? i'm finding it to be a lot of fun, actually! b'wahaha!!!" so, instead i asked, "what do you mean?" to which he replied...

"i mean, stop checking me! are you retarded?!"

and i thought... "...apparently...?" because, again, i suck at chess. clearly he must have had some hidden trick-chess ninja-move up his sleeve that i wasn't seeing, or else he wouldn't have felt so comfortable being such an ass... right?

but, i didn't want to say, "apparently" because... yeah, he's a dick. and why should he bask in the knowledge that he made me feel stupid? so, instead i told him, "actually, i AM a little bit retarded. are you an asshole?"

he hasn't responded yet, but i'm hoping he'll do so soon, and in a very sheepish manner. "wow, i didn't know you were really retarded, man, my bad..." in which case, i plan on continuing my humiliating beat down, thus weakening his ego to an unhealthy degree. and right before checkmate, while he's thinking, "how did this retarded kid beat me???" i'll tell him... "yer toast."


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) the smart lady, upon looking at a picture of carey mulligan this morning: "wow, she is quite the sexy little sphinx! ...i mean... vinx... wait, no, vixen! VIXEN!"
2) the way the snow sits on winter trees.
3) the olympics!!!
4) i was watching curling this afternoon, and one of the commentators said, "she has literally strategized herself into a pickle." :) really? has she now? literally?
5) gin rummy.

song of the day...
"so cruel" by U2

movie of the day...
the BEST PICTURE MOVIE MARATHON CONTINUES!!! a frank capra double feature --"it happened one night" from 1934, and 1938's "you can't take it with you"

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