Friday, March 19, 2010

Could have gotten my ass kicked today...

Had an interesting walk to the train station after work this afternoon. First, i fell into a hole. Which i'm not in a great big hurry to talk about, because, well, contrary to what you may have heard, it's actually somewhat difficult to look cool while walking into a hole. Plus, i'm pretty sure the noise i made sounded a lot like the way Leonardo DiCaprio called Johnny Depp "Gilbert" in 'What's eating Gilbert Grape'. Which is also, as it turns out, not very sexy.

So, let's move on to something a bit more heroic.

About ten minutes after the hole incident, i was crossing a street next to a graveyard when i noticed the expression on the face of a woman in a red car. She looked to be zoning out, lost in thought, until the dude in the truck behind her shook her out of it. He sat on his horn, flailed his arms about, and screamed at her. Something like "get yer car and ass in gear, dammit!"

I felt so bad for this woman. I mean, she was staring off into space, but also staring at a graveyard. Maybe someone close to her had just passed away, or maybe she was recently diagnosed with something terrible, i don't know. Whatever she was thinking, this guy could have been a lot more patient. It wasn't like they were there all day. The blaring of the horn, the flailing arms, the shouting-- it was all a bit much.

So, i looked him straight in the eye, and-- as if i was the guy who invented the once-popular 'mean people suck' bumper sticker-- i told him, "hey, don't be an asshole!"

It was at this point when i noticed that his shoulders were actually wider than the truck he was sitting in. Literal steam coming from his ears, he glared at me as if i had just farted on his grandmother, and he shouted something to me that i honestly couldn't hear. I only caught the last word: "Buddy." I think it's most likely that he said, "Hey! Mind your own business, Buddy!!!" But, i took note later that it was also possible that he could have said...

"Hey! Your NCAA tournament bracket is in shambles, Buddy!!!" or
"Hey! That shirt brings out your eyes, Buddy!!!" or
"Hey! You fell into a hole, Buddy!!!" or something like that.

Whatever he said, i decided to take it up a notch, because, A) i didn't want a jerk like that to get the last word in. And B) because he looked like he was in a hurry, and i thought the chances were slim that he would pull over and get out of the truck to beat the ever-loving crap out of me.

It was mostly B.

So, i cupped my ear and i said, "What?! I can't hear you, because you're an asshole!!!" which, i quickly realized didn't make any sense whatsoever, but still felt great coming out of my mouth.


His arms were still flailing as he drove away.

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) That i didn't get pummeled by a lunatic who believed it was well worth being late for his kid sister's birthday party in order to teach a smart-assed overweight guy in glasses a lesson or two.
2) My bracket really is in shambles, but i didn't put any money on it.
3) I've been in learning a lot about myself lately, in part because of what happened in my last blog, which i am eventually going to talk about. Sort of.
4) The guy who invented the 'mean people suck' bumper sticker.
5) Today's lesson: fall in a hole? Pick yerself up.

song of the night...
"celebrity skin" by hole

movie of the night...

1 comment:

  1. love #5. Words to live by! Also, BE CAREFUL, silly!

    Thanks for making me smile.