I think the best advice anyone can give works on a few levels. It's true on the surface, but can also be adapted to any number of situations. My mom gave me the best piece of advice I'd ever received, and not a month goes by when I don't think about it...
When I was young, she sat me down on her knee, and she said, "Ryan... Never refuse a breathmint."
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) Big decision tonite. Do i pack for my trip back home. Or wait until the very last minute and go see "True Grit."
2) Cracker Jacks.
3) Not seeing 'Little Fockers'
4) I like this quote, too, from Eleanor Roosevelt: "Do one thing every day that scares you."
5) Altoids.
song of the day...
"I'll try anything once" by Julian Casablancas
movie of the day...
"Breathless"
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
So, apparently, I'm attractive.
Upon the advice of the famous and talented C.K. Dexter Haven, I recently joined a dating website called OkCupid. Wasn't really sure what I was going to find there, but, I figured "eh, why not?" Meet new people, network a bit, find a date or two, that type of thing. And, it's free. And I'm all about the free.
I've been on the site for a little over a week now, and have been pretty happy with it so far. I don't think I've met the woman of my dreams yet, but interesting conversations have popped up out of nowhere, friendships have been formed, and I quickly received my first stalker. Which is always good for the ego.
As was the first part of this OkCupid email...
"the5thingsilove:
We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know. How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver."
Now, I still don't know exactly what a quiver is, but if it was something that somehow led to more compliments about my appearance, then, I'm all for it. Massive egomaniac that I am.
Although, I should say that I thought it was sort of a weird way to compliment someone. (I'm sure they got "The scales recently tipped in your favor" from a fortune cookie.) And it is a bit of an odd thing to keep a track of, now that I mention it.
Also, I think I would have liked some more specific data ("There are a grand total of 13 men on OkCupid, and, as it turns out, you are more attractive than six of them! Congratulations to you. And, I guess, to your parents as well.")
But, overall, it wasn't exactly the most terrible thing to read about yourself on a Sunday evening.
And, yet, the email continues...
"Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."
I read that and thought, Wait... Suddenly the world is my oyster??? My new "elite" status??? Go ask an ugly friend???
I dunno. I mean, I just now received this email, and haven't really had the time to process it all, but... my first impression is that it all sounds a bit too... Studio 54.
Right?
Like I've been on the outside of the ropes on a cold night in NYC, until Steve Rubell spotted me to say, "Come on in, kid, you're one of us." Sure, everyone wants to be included. No one wants to be left out. But, if I know that a host is going to exclude more people than he invites in, based primarily on physical appearance... is that really a party I'd want to walk into?
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it all feels pretty shallow to me. Like they're saying, "We're very sorry, Mr. Martin, had we only known that you were 51% more attractive than some others, we would have let you into the VIP room right away..." And that's kind of ridiculous, enit?
At the end of the day, while I am a sucker for a nice compliment, the only kind words that truly stick with me are the ones that come from somebody I respect. And I think Cupid's aim might have been a little off tonight.
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) I got the greatest email in my spam folder the other day: "Get Kim Kardashian hair in minutes!!!" Dream come true.
2) A tuna fish sandwich. (I don't think I've ever even had an oyster.)
3) All my ugly friends.
4) Mike Myers.
5) Beautiful women. I think looks are important. I'm not knocking that. But I also believe that a personality can go a long way in making anyone more or less attractive.
song of the night...
"Pretty (Ugly Before)" by Elliot Smith
Movie of the night...
"Robin Hood"
I've been on the site for a little over a week now, and have been pretty happy with it so far. I don't think I've met the woman of my dreams yet, but interesting conversations have popped up out of nowhere, friendships have been formed, and I quickly received my first stalker. Which is always good for the ego.
As was the first part of this OkCupid email...
"the5thingsilove:
We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know. How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver."
Now, I still don't know exactly what a quiver is, but if it was something that somehow led to more compliments about my appearance, then, I'm all for it. Massive egomaniac that I am.
Although, I should say that I thought it was sort of a weird way to compliment someone. (I'm sure they got "The scales recently tipped in your favor" from a fortune cookie.) And it is a bit of an odd thing to keep a track of, now that I mention it.
Also, I think I would have liked some more specific data ("There are a grand total of 13 men on OkCupid, and, as it turns out, you are more attractive than six of them! Congratulations to you. And, I guess, to your parents as well.")
But, overall, it wasn't exactly the most terrible thing to read about yourself on a Sunday evening.
And, yet, the email continues...
"Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."
I read that and thought, Wait... Suddenly the world is my oyster??? My new "elite" status??? Go ask an ugly friend???
I dunno. I mean, I just now received this email, and haven't really had the time to process it all, but... my first impression is that it all sounds a bit too... Studio 54.
Right?
Like I've been on the outside of the ropes on a cold night in NYC, until Steve Rubell spotted me to say, "Come on in, kid, you're one of us." Sure, everyone wants to be included. No one wants to be left out. But, if I know that a host is going to exclude more people than he invites in, based primarily on physical appearance... is that really a party I'd want to walk into?
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it all feels pretty shallow to me. Like they're saying, "We're very sorry, Mr. Martin, had we only known that you were 51% more attractive than some others, we would have let you into the VIP room right away..." And that's kind of ridiculous, enit?
At the end of the day, while I am a sucker for a nice compliment, the only kind words that truly stick with me are the ones that come from somebody I respect. And I think Cupid's aim might have been a little off tonight.
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) I got the greatest email in my spam folder the other day: "Get Kim Kardashian hair in minutes!!!" Dream come true.
2) A tuna fish sandwich. (I don't think I've ever even had an oyster.)
3) All my ugly friends.
4) Mike Myers.
5) Beautiful women. I think looks are important. I'm not knocking that. But I also believe that a personality can go a long way in making anyone more or less attractive.
song of the night...
"Pretty (Ugly Before)" by Elliot Smith
Movie of the night...
"Robin Hood"
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Westboro Baptist EXCLUSIVE!!!
Here's a letter, stolen from the desk of Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church...
"The top 20 funerals I wish I could have picketed...
1) Eliot Ness... gay.
2) Frank Sinatra... gay.
3) Mickey Mantle... gay.
4) The 1928 Chicago Bears... gay.
5) Old Yeller... gay.
6) Walt Disney... Straight, but never made an honest mouse out of Minnie.
7) John the Baptist... gay.
8) The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man... gay.
9) Seabiscuit... gay.
10) John Wayne... flamboyantly gay.
11) Liberace... Back in '75, he didn't stop for me when I asked him for his autograph.
12) Adolph Hitler... gay.
13) The shark from Jaws... gay.
14) St. Francis of Assisi... gay.
15) Adrian Balboa... lesbian.
16) That toaster oven I used to have in college... Never quite cooked my muffins as thoroughly as I would have liked. Also gay.
17) John Quincy Adams... "Quincy"??? So, so gay.
18) Paul Lynde... made me lose a fortune in cash and prizes when I was a contestant on Hollywood squares.
19) That gay little Ewok who died near the end of The Return of The Jedi... gay.
20) Jesus Christ... Probably straight, but was way too liberal, hung out with the wrong crowd, disrespected the Sabbath, and consistently showed unconditional love towards all the people I hate. "
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) Churches that go out of their way to love their neighbors.
2) It always meant a lot to me-- how Jesus would hang out with the people who were otherwise ignored. I love that about Him.
3) Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.
Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.
Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
4) Last night I spent about four hours on the phone, cracking up with my amiga C.K. Dexter Haven. She's pretty amazing, and has become a great friend to me in a short period of time. I'm very thankful for people like her in my life. Thanks, Dex.
5) Elizabeth Edwards. May she rest in peace.
song of the night...
"All you need is love" by The Beatles
movie of the night...
"The Passion of the Christ"
"The top 20 funerals I wish I could have picketed...
1) Eliot Ness... gay.
2) Frank Sinatra... gay.
3) Mickey Mantle... gay.
4) The 1928 Chicago Bears... gay.
5) Old Yeller... gay.
6) Walt Disney... Straight, but never made an honest mouse out of Minnie.
7) John the Baptist... gay.
8) The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man... gay.
9) Seabiscuit... gay.
10) John Wayne... flamboyantly gay.
11) Liberace... Back in '75, he didn't stop for me when I asked him for his autograph.
12) Adolph Hitler... gay.
13) The shark from Jaws... gay.
14) St. Francis of Assisi... gay.
15) Adrian Balboa... lesbian.
16) That toaster oven I used to have in college... Never quite cooked my muffins as thoroughly as I would have liked. Also gay.
17) John Quincy Adams... "Quincy"??? So, so gay.
18) Paul Lynde... made me lose a fortune in cash and prizes when I was a contestant on Hollywood squares.
19) That gay little Ewok who died near the end of The Return of The Jedi... gay.
20) Jesus Christ... Probably straight, but was way too liberal, hung out with the wrong crowd, disrespected the Sabbath, and consistently showed unconditional love towards all the people I hate. "
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) Churches that go out of their way to love their neighbors.
2) It always meant a lot to me-- how Jesus would hang out with the people who were otherwise ignored. I love that about Him.
3) Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.
Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.
Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
4) Last night I spent about four hours on the phone, cracking up with my amiga C.K. Dexter Haven. She's pretty amazing, and has become a great friend to me in a short period of time. I'm very thankful for people like her in my life. Thanks, Dex.
5) Elizabeth Edwards. May she rest in peace.
song of the night...
"All you need is love" by The Beatles
movie of the night...
"The Passion of the Christ"
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Skyline...
Before going to the movies this afternoon, I consulted RottenTomatoes.com and found out that one of the films on my list of must-sees had a pitiful grade of 14%.
Now, you'd think I would have learned something after checking out 'Sex and the City 2' (16% at Rotten Tomatoes) and 'The Last Airbender' (6%) but, no. "Well, THIS i gotta see!" said I.
However, I am happy to report that this time, THIS time... I chose wisely!!!
Sort of.
The movie was 'Skyline'. And it was terrible. I mean, just plain awful. But it was also fun! True, most of the fun was completely unintentional, but it was fun nonetheless.
Basically, there's a big, honking alien invasion that's taking over the world, and we're following about a half dozen chuckleheads who are trapped inside their apartment building, hiding from all the aliens who want to take them aboard these big, honking space ships and suck out their brains. And they say stuff like this...
"I just... I just can't believe this is happening!"
"Well, you better believe it! This IS happening! It's happening RIGHT NOW! And you'd better wake up!!! WAKE UP!!! ...And survive!!!"
But, hey, I mean, I dunno, there's no exact point of reference here. Maybe, at the end of the world, we will all turn into bad actors with choppy dialogue. Who knows?
The thing I was most worried about going into Skyline was this tried and true formula: "OH NO!!! ALIENS!!! WE'RE DOOMED!!! THEY'RE UNSTOPPABLE!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE PLANET THAT CAN-- oh, wait. Turns out, if we splash a little water on them, they'll die........... Right on."
It's ironic, and it's amazing, and it's almost always completely underwhelming. And we've seen it before, too. Not necessarily water, but, y'know-- "nuclear weapons won't do the trick, but there's a simple solution here that no one's thought of before, and it's working like gangbusters!" For example...
SPOILER ALERTS!!!!!
'War of the Worlds'? I liked that movie (the recent, Steven Spielberg one), but that "easy solution" part of the film left me feeling a bit ...blah. But not as blah as when Tom Cruise was reunited with his kid at the very end. Too much sap for me.
'Signs'? Yeah, kind of a crap movie, I thought. Mainly because of the whole "swing away/cup of water" thing. Well, no, mainly because the aliens looked like knock-off Muppets. But, still.
Even 'The Wizard of Oz' --it's a classic, of course, and I love it as much as everyone else does, but... really? No one ever thought about dousing the Wicked Witch with water before? I mean, her skin was green for Pete's sake, she clearly never took a shower! None of her henchmen ever put that together?
None of the flying monkeys ever got suspicious whenever they were like, "Hey, we're gonna head over to the beach for a swim, y'wanna join us?" and she was all like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
Lame.
But, yeah, after seeing so many negative reviews, I just figured I was going to see more of the same old stuff with 'Skyline'. BUT!!! They very much went with a different ending. I won't tell you what it was, but I will tell you these two things: 1) It was not at all the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending. And 2) It was far, FAR more stupid than the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending.
I mean, dude!!! ...It was just dumb.
And, not only that, but it was a dumb idea, executed poorly!
But, hey, at least it was original. And, at least it wasn't a movie that was pretending to be something it wasn't. They weren't going for the best picture Oscar, right??? They just (I believe) wanted to make a big, goofy flick with a buncha aliens sucking the brains out of a few billion homo sapiens. Something to relax and mow down a bucket of popcorn to.
Total, TOTAL crap movie. And I loved it. Mark my words-- this is bound to become a campy, B-movie classic.
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) How simple it is to write "SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!" This weekend, I was three short hours away from watching the latest Harry Potter movie when I noticed one of the characters was a trending topic on Twitter. So, I foolishly (foolishly, because I've not read the books) clicked onto it, and found out that this person was going to die!!! Not only this-- here's the message I read (without the names, of course)...
"Dear people who moan about the RIP (Character X) Trending Topic because it's a spoiler. (Character Y) dies in the next one. Yours sincerely, the people who read books."
Seriously, what an asshole, right?!
2) I am, actually, reading a really good book right now, thankyouverymuch! --'Unbroken' by Laura Hillenbrand.
3) Donald Faison.
4) Margaret Hamilton.
5) My less-than-mature response to the twitter jerk: "Hey, thanks SO MUCH for the HP spoilers yesterday! Yours sincerely, the people who are sarcastic to douche bags."
song of the night...
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Judy Garland
movie of the night...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part one" --liked it quite a bit!!!
Now, you'd think I would have learned something after checking out 'Sex and the City 2' (16% at Rotten Tomatoes) and 'The Last Airbender' (6%) but, no. "Well, THIS i gotta see!" said I.
However, I am happy to report that this time, THIS time... I chose wisely!!!
Sort of.
The movie was 'Skyline'. And it was terrible. I mean, just plain awful. But it was also fun! True, most of the fun was completely unintentional, but it was fun nonetheless.
Basically, there's a big, honking alien invasion that's taking over the world, and we're following about a half dozen chuckleheads who are trapped inside their apartment building, hiding from all the aliens who want to take them aboard these big, honking space ships and suck out their brains. And they say stuff like this...
"I just... I just can't believe this is happening!"
"Well, you better believe it! This IS happening! It's happening RIGHT NOW! And you'd better wake up!!! WAKE UP!!! ...And survive!!!"
But, hey, I mean, I dunno, there's no exact point of reference here. Maybe, at the end of the world, we will all turn into bad actors with choppy dialogue. Who knows?
The thing I was most worried about going into Skyline was this tried and true formula: "OH NO!!! ALIENS!!! WE'RE DOOMED!!! THEY'RE UNSTOPPABLE!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE PLANET THAT CAN-- oh, wait. Turns out, if we splash a little water on them, they'll die........... Right on."
It's ironic, and it's amazing, and it's almost always completely underwhelming. And we've seen it before, too. Not necessarily water, but, y'know-- "nuclear weapons won't do the trick, but there's a simple solution here that no one's thought of before, and it's working like gangbusters!" For example...
SPOILER ALERTS!!!!!
'War of the Worlds'? I liked that movie (the recent, Steven Spielberg one), but that "easy solution" part of the film left me feeling a bit ...blah. But not as blah as when Tom Cruise was reunited with his kid at the very end. Too much sap for me.
'Signs'? Yeah, kind of a crap movie, I thought. Mainly because of the whole "swing away/cup of water" thing. Well, no, mainly because the aliens looked like knock-off Muppets. But, still.
Even 'The Wizard of Oz' --it's a classic, of course, and I love it as much as everyone else does, but... really? No one ever thought about dousing the Wicked Witch with water before? I mean, her skin was green for Pete's sake, she clearly never took a shower! None of her henchmen ever put that together?
None of the flying monkeys ever got suspicious whenever they were like, "Hey, we're gonna head over to the beach for a swim, y'wanna join us?" and she was all like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
Lame.
But, yeah, after seeing so many negative reviews, I just figured I was going to see more of the same old stuff with 'Skyline'. BUT!!! They very much went with a different ending. I won't tell you what it was, but I will tell you these two things: 1) It was not at all the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending. And 2) It was far, FAR more stupid than the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending.
I mean, dude!!! ...It was just dumb.
And, not only that, but it was a dumb idea, executed poorly!
But, hey, at least it was original. And, at least it wasn't a movie that was pretending to be something it wasn't. They weren't going for the best picture Oscar, right??? They just (I believe) wanted to make a big, goofy flick with a buncha aliens sucking the brains out of a few billion homo sapiens. Something to relax and mow down a bucket of popcorn to.
Total, TOTAL crap movie. And I loved it. Mark my words-- this is bound to become a campy, B-movie classic.
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) How simple it is to write "SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!" This weekend, I was three short hours away from watching the latest Harry Potter movie when I noticed one of the characters was a trending topic on Twitter. So, I foolishly (foolishly, because I've not read the books) clicked onto it, and found out that this person was going to die!!! Not only this-- here's the message I read (without the names, of course)...
"Dear people who moan about the RIP (Character X) Trending Topic because it's a spoiler. (Character Y) dies in the next one. Yours sincerely, the people who read books."
Seriously, what an asshole, right?!
2) I am, actually, reading a really good book right now, thankyouverymuch! --'Unbroken' by Laura Hillenbrand.
3) Donald Faison.
4) Margaret Hamilton.
5) My less-than-mature response to the twitter jerk: "Hey, thanks SO MUCH for the HP spoilers yesterday! Yours sincerely, the people who are sarcastic to douche bags."
song of the night...
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Judy Garland
movie of the night...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part one" --liked it quite a bit!!!
Question...
When I go to Target, I'm sometimes handed a coupon with my receipt. And it's almost always something that has some sort of relevance to what I'd just purchased. If I buy a toothbrush, I may get a coupon for toothpaste. If I buy tortilla chips, I might get a coupon for salsa. Spaghetti sauce? Macaroni. Cough drops? Some sort of cold medicine, and so on...
Today, I bought hot dogs.
Just hot dogs.
And I received a coupon for toilet paper.
Now... did I completely misunderstand the Target coupon filtering system? Or is this just a testament to this particular brand of wieners?
"Wow! Yikes! Nathan's??? ...Well, here. You're gonna need THIS!"
Yeah... anyway, if anyone has some inside information on the topic, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd share it with me, as quickly as possible. Y'know... before I get my dinner ready.
I'm a little bit frightened.
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) The dude in the public restroom yesterday, belting out "Lady" by Kenny Rogers. I have no idea if he'd assumed he was alone, or what, but I just thought it was great. Not the best rendition I'd ever heard, but certainly the most passionate version I will ever witness. While peeing.
2) This afternoon, my dad and I were talking about my last blog post about airport security. I told him, "Y'know, really, I don't care what they're going to do to me-- I'm never going to see those people again." And he paused for a few seconds and said, "Yeah... I guess I don't mind the groping. As long as they're not smiling while they do it."
3) Peanut butter (extra crunchy).
4) Jelly (grape).
5) I've never been truly, desperately, third-world-country type of hungry.
song of the night...
"Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. I'm not a huge country music fan, but... I have to admit, I think Kenny Rogers is pretty damn awesome.
movie of the night...
"Six Pack" ...bit of a guilty pleasure, I s'pose, but I remember renting this flick when I was a kid-- twice in as many nights. Loved it!
Today, I bought hot dogs.
Just hot dogs.
And I received a coupon for toilet paper.
Now... did I completely misunderstand the Target coupon filtering system? Or is this just a testament to this particular brand of wieners?
"Wow! Yikes! Nathan's??? ...Well, here. You're gonna need THIS!"
Yeah... anyway, if anyone has some inside information on the topic, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd share it with me, as quickly as possible. Y'know... before I get my dinner ready.
I'm a little bit frightened.
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) The dude in the public restroom yesterday, belting out "Lady" by Kenny Rogers. I have no idea if he'd assumed he was alone, or what, but I just thought it was great. Not the best rendition I'd ever heard, but certainly the most passionate version I will ever witness. While peeing.
2) This afternoon, my dad and I were talking about my last blog post about airport security. I told him, "Y'know, really, I don't care what they're going to do to me-- I'm never going to see those people again." And he paused for a few seconds and said, "Yeah... I guess I don't mind the groping. As long as they're not smiling while they do it."
3) Peanut butter (extra crunchy).
4) Jelly (grape).
5) I've never been truly, desperately, third-world-country type of hungry.
song of the night...
"Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. I'm not a huge country music fan, but... I have to admit, I think Kenny Rogers is pretty damn awesome.
movie of the night...
"Six Pack" ...bit of a guilty pleasure, I s'pose, but I remember renting this flick when I was a kid-- twice in as many nights. Loved it!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Our civil liberties, and our junk...
"Let justice be done... or the heavens fall!"
William Watson, 1601
"Give me liberty... or give me death!"
Patrick Henry, 1775
"I shall have you arrested... if you touch my junk!"
John Tyner, 2010
John Tyner, in case you haven't heard, is a fellow who refused to go through a pat-down search at a San Diego airport over the weekend. He videotaped the incident on his cell phone, and basically told the TSA agents involved that what they were doing would be considered molestation, if they were not, in fact, the government.
It's an interesting debate, really. Before we step onto an airplane, we have to take every precaution we can, of course, to make sure that we're safe. But... how far is too far? What is that line that we cannot cross? What if that line is in a different place for you, for me?
And, at the end of the day, is it all worth it?
Are we being stripped of our basic human rights just to get on board an airplane? And, if so... have the terrorists won???
...I dunno.
I mean, honestly, I can understand the uncomfortable nature of it all. I thought about that this afternoon-- about where exactly my line would be. What would make me pull a John Tyner? What would make me turn around and say, "No, thank you, I would rather not fly." What would make me get so angry that I would rather put an end to the security procedure, and get stranded in Cleveland? And my answer...?
Naked jumping jacks.
If a TSA agent pulled me to the side of the security line, made me take off my shoes, my watch, my belt? No problem.
If he patted me down, touched my junk, made me take off my clothes? Well, I wouldn't thank him for it, no, but, whatever. I'd get over it.
If he squeezed my buns, touched my junk a second time, and covered me with peanut butter? ...Yeah, actually, by that point, I think I probably would get a tad suspicious, but, hey, the man's just doing his job, right? "There's probably a perfectly good explanation for the peanut butter," is what I would tell myself. Every night. For the rest of my life...
However! Naked jumping jacks??? That's just not cool.
(Well, not in public, anyway.)
But, really, just about anything up to that point, and I personally would be pretty damn okay with it.
Again, I truly understand those who would feel differently, but I'm still incredibly leery about flying. As a matter of fact, after 9/11, I didn't think I would ever be able to fly again. It took me YEARS to be able to look into the sky, see a plane, and not feel a terrible mixture of deep sadness and angst.
And, seriously, we're not talking about the caressing of junk and buns, peanut butter jumping jacks, or anything all THAT bizarre, are we...?
I'm not saying I have all the answers, but... the truth is, there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't do to make 100% sure the airplane I'm about to strap myself into is completely safe. Someone wants to send me through an x-rated x-ray machine? Let's do it. You need to pat me down? Go for it, homie! You wanna touch my junk? Here y'go... Enjoy!
Well... y'know, maybe "enjoy" isn't quite the right word, exactly, but...
I mean, it's not like I ENJOY going to the doctor and having him feel around... that particular area o'mine. But, he's gotta do what he's gotta do. And, I know he's (hopefully) outstandingly qualified to check things out down there, so...
Hmmm...
...hmmmmmm...
...actually...
...I'm just thinking out loud here, and, maybe this is crazy, but... maybe that's the answer, enit? I think I even heard John Tyner say as much-- he doesn't want anyone to touch his junk other than his doctor.
Nobody's incredibly comfortable with a physical, but nobody really objects to one either. At least, in principle. And certainly no one would confuse a routine physical by a reputable physician with a gross disfiguration of civil liberties.
So, let's just combine the two! TSA screeners/physicians! This is GENIUS!!! Why has no one ever thought about this before???
"Please place any metallic items on the tray, and step forward... Okay, now, turn your head ...And, cough? ...Good, now, turn your head again, please ...Annnnd, cough? ...Great. Thanks, you're all set. Have a nice flight!"
See that? I sold myself short-- I really did have all the answers!
The five things I fell in love with today...
1) The great Roger Ebert, upon having his groin searched at an airport security line: "I would like to say he found nothing, but I don't know how that would sound." LOL!
2) Life.
3) Liberty.
4) The pursuit of happiness.
5) My junk.
Movie of the night...
"Airplane!"
Song of the night...
"The Streetbeater (Theme to 'Sanford and Son')" by Quincy Jones
William Watson, 1601
"Give me liberty... or give me death!"
Patrick Henry, 1775
"I shall have you arrested... if you touch my junk!"
John Tyner, 2010
John Tyner, in case you haven't heard, is a fellow who refused to go through a pat-down search at a San Diego airport over the weekend. He videotaped the incident on his cell phone, and basically told the TSA agents involved that what they were doing would be considered molestation, if they were not, in fact, the government.
It's an interesting debate, really. Before we step onto an airplane, we have to take every precaution we can, of course, to make sure that we're safe. But... how far is too far? What is that line that we cannot cross? What if that line is in a different place for you, for me?
And, at the end of the day, is it all worth it?
Are we being stripped of our basic human rights just to get on board an airplane? And, if so... have the terrorists won???
...I dunno.
I mean, honestly, I can understand the uncomfortable nature of it all. I thought about that this afternoon-- about where exactly my line would be. What would make me pull a John Tyner? What would make me turn around and say, "No, thank you, I would rather not fly." What would make me get so angry that I would rather put an end to the security procedure, and get stranded in Cleveland? And my answer...?
Naked jumping jacks.
If a TSA agent pulled me to the side of the security line, made me take off my shoes, my watch, my belt? No problem.
If he patted me down, touched my junk, made me take off my clothes? Well, I wouldn't thank him for it, no, but, whatever. I'd get over it.
If he squeezed my buns, touched my junk a second time, and covered me with peanut butter? ...Yeah, actually, by that point, I think I probably would get a tad suspicious, but, hey, the man's just doing his job, right? "There's probably a perfectly good explanation for the peanut butter," is what I would tell myself. Every night. For the rest of my life...
However! Naked jumping jacks??? That's just not cool.
(Well, not in public, anyway.)
But, really, just about anything up to that point, and I personally would be pretty damn okay with it.
Again, I truly understand those who would feel differently, but I'm still incredibly leery about flying. As a matter of fact, after 9/11, I didn't think I would ever be able to fly again. It took me YEARS to be able to look into the sky, see a plane, and not feel a terrible mixture of deep sadness and angst.
And, seriously, we're not talking about the caressing of junk and buns, peanut butter jumping jacks, or anything all THAT bizarre, are we...?
I'm not saying I have all the answers, but... the truth is, there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't do to make 100% sure the airplane I'm about to strap myself into is completely safe. Someone wants to send me through an x-rated x-ray machine? Let's do it. You need to pat me down? Go for it, homie! You wanna touch my junk? Here y'go... Enjoy!
Well... y'know, maybe "enjoy" isn't quite the right word, exactly, but...
I mean, it's not like I ENJOY going to the doctor and having him feel around... that particular area o'mine. But, he's gotta do what he's gotta do. And, I know he's (hopefully) outstandingly qualified to check things out down there, so...
Hmmm...
...hmmmmmm...
...actually...
...I'm just thinking out loud here, and, maybe this is crazy, but... maybe that's the answer, enit? I think I even heard John Tyner say as much-- he doesn't want anyone to touch his junk other than his doctor.
Nobody's incredibly comfortable with a physical, but nobody really objects to one either. At least, in principle. And certainly no one would confuse a routine physical by a reputable physician with a gross disfiguration of civil liberties.
So, let's just combine the two! TSA screeners/physicians! This is GENIUS!!! Why has no one ever thought about this before???
"Please place any metallic items on the tray, and step forward... Okay, now, turn your head ...And, cough? ...Good, now, turn your head again, please ...Annnnd, cough? ...Great. Thanks, you're all set. Have a nice flight!"
See that? I sold myself short-- I really did have all the answers!
The five things I fell in love with today...
1) The great Roger Ebert, upon having his groin searched at an airport security line: "I would like to say he found nothing, but I don't know how that would sound." LOL!
2) Life.
3) Liberty.
4) The pursuit of happiness.
5) My junk.
Movie of the night...
"Airplane!"
Song of the night...
"The Streetbeater (Theme to 'Sanford and Son')" by Quincy Jones
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Poem (based on a true story)...
Once there was a happy fellow.
He went by the name of Ryan...
If i told you that he loved to rhyme,
i sure would not be...
...trying to misrepresent myself. Or Ryan.
Not by any stretch of the imagination.
(ahem)...
There were things that Ryan was good at.
And things that he just wasn't.
There are things that Ryan likes a lot.
And things that he just doesn't.
This candle with an apple shape
is clearly to his liking.
Its crisp, autumnal scent will make him...
...FEEL MANLY AS A VIKING!!!
...somehow.
All was grand in Apple-land!
His apartment smelled of orchard...
But then a big, honking hole shot through one side of the apple,
causing a boatload of hot candle wax to cascade all-the-freak over
Ryan's computer keyboard.
Seriously.
This actually happened.
(By the way, the irony of a candle in the shape of an apple
wreaking having on Ryan's iMac is not lost on him.
He's just not ready to accept the humor of this particular
part of the story at the present moment).
Most of the harm had been avoided.
which was a great relief.
And yet the news
was not all good...
The wax had taken a P.
"NO P ?!?!?!" Ryan cried...
"No P ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" he sighed,
"What if i want to write 'Cha_el' ???
"What if i want to write '_etunia'
Or '_lastics' Or what if, for that matter, 'A_ _le'???
"What of my friends _atty and _aul?
And what other friends have i missed?
Wait! I think my _assword has a P in it!!!
Aw, man, i am really quite _issed!!!"
BUT!!!
...as it turned out, things weren't all that bad.
Back came the P, that wacky nomad
And Patty and Paul would surely be glad
to hear such a bright, happy ending!
Yes, this is the tale of Ryan, the brave!
Fixer of things, the keyboard he saved!
Wanting of nothing, but needing a shave,
For him there was so much rejoicing!
Probably a bit too much rejoicing, actually.
I mean, it's not like he fixed the economy, or anything.
Sheesh...
I'm just sayin'...
STILL...
While cleaning the rest of the wax from his desk,
though this was a bleak and ridiculous mess,
Ryan felt the need to kneel down and confess,
and to thank the good Lord for small favors...
For Uno, and rhyming, and keyboards with P's...
For smell-good apartments, and apples on trees...
For C3PO, and dictionaries...
And for chords that will wake up my neighbors!
Thanks, God! :)
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) Y'know, my friends, i have to be honest with you... God is just really, really good to me. Sometimes i don't feel that knowledge as much as i'd like to. But tonite is not one of those nights.
And that's numbers one through five.
2)
3)
4)
5)
He went by the name of Ryan...
If i told you that he loved to rhyme,
i sure would not be...
...trying to misrepresent myself. Or Ryan.
Not by any stretch of the imagination.
(ahem)...
There were things that Ryan was good at.
And things that he just wasn't.
There are things that Ryan likes a lot.
And things that he just doesn't.
This candle with an apple shape
is clearly to his liking.
Its crisp, autumnal scent will make him...
...FEEL MANLY AS A VIKING!!!
...somehow.
All was grand in Apple-land!
His apartment smelled of orchard...
But then a big, honking hole shot through one side of the apple,
causing a boatload of hot candle wax to cascade all-the-freak over
Ryan's computer keyboard.
Seriously.
This actually happened.
(By the way, the irony of a candle in the shape of an apple
wreaking having on Ryan's iMac is not lost on him.
He's just not ready to accept the humor of this particular
part of the story at the present moment).
Most of the harm had been avoided.
which was a great relief.
And yet the news
was not all good...
The wax had taken a P.
"NO P ?!?!?!" Ryan cried...
"No P ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" he sighed,
"What if i want to write 'Cha_el' ???
"What if i want to write '_etunia'
Or '_lastics' Or what if, for that matter, 'A_ _le'???
"What of my friends _atty and _aul?
And what other friends have i missed?
Wait! I think my _assword has a P in it!!!
Aw, man, i am really quite _issed!!!"
BUT!!!
...as it turned out, things weren't all that bad.
Back came the P, that wacky nomad
And Patty and Paul would surely be glad
to hear such a bright, happy ending!
Yes, this is the tale of Ryan, the brave!
Fixer of things, the keyboard he saved!
Wanting of nothing, but needing a shave,
For him there was so much rejoicing!
Probably a bit too much rejoicing, actually.
I mean, it's not like he fixed the economy, or anything.
Sheesh...
I'm just sayin'...
STILL...
While cleaning the rest of the wax from his desk,
though this was a bleak and ridiculous mess,
Ryan felt the need to kneel down and confess,
and to thank the good Lord for small favors...
For Uno, and rhyming, and keyboards with P's...
For smell-good apartments, and apples on trees...
For C3PO, and dictionaries...
And for chords that will wake up my neighbors!
Thanks, God! :)
the five things i fell in love with today...
1) Y'know, my friends, i have to be honest with you... God is just really, really good to me. Sometimes i don't feel that knowledge as much as i'd like to. But tonite is not one of those nights.
And that's numbers one through five.
2)
3)
4)
5)
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