Monday, February 7, 2011

Heartbreak...

This is a challenging post. Because I feel horrible. I feel confused, a bit lost, and I'm heartbroken. But, this is one of the reasons I started writing this damn blog, isn't it? To focus on the amazing and good things in my life-- even when I'm feeling down...?

And, you know...? Now that I'm at a significantly low point in my life, I can't help but think... what a piece of shit idea that really was. Seriously, I recall it seemed like such a good plan at the time, but, shitlouise, what was I thinking?!

(Side note: I just re-read this post and realized that, because I didn't mention many specifics about the cause of my heartbreak, most of you will more than likely assume I'm talking about Super Bowl XLV. But, no. Bummed as I am that the Steelers didn't come through for me... at the end of the day, it's just a game. So, who cares?)

Anyway, here we go...

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Heartbreak equals weight loss...
One of my main resolutions for this new year was to drop 45 pounds. And I did that this afternoon. Well, no, not really, obviously, but I have lost six pounds since Friday, which... y'know, isn't "good" necessarily. But it's not all that worrisome to me, either. My appetite will return soon enough. And, in the meantime, it's been pretty cool to step on the scale the last few mornings.

2) Gaining strength by way of kicking temptation's mint-flavored ass...
In the past, when I've been low, I've clung to unhealthy foods for support. So, it feels really, really good to have avoided both Ben and Jerry this go around.

3) Neil Young...
Being the 14 year old girl that I am, I usually tend to listen to The Smiths after a punishing breakup. But something told me to turn up Neil Young this afternoon, and I was glad I did. There's enough sadness and passion in his album "Everybody knows this is nowhere" to get me through another hour. And, for that I'd like to shake his hand.

4) Good advice from great friends...
I have a lot of truly wonderful friends. Best in the world, I figure. One stood out this morning, though, because she gave me advice despite the fact that she had a pretty damn good reason for not writing me back at all. Her words meant a great deal to me... I can't explain the situation, because I know it would very much embarrass someone I love (myself). But, knowing that she was kind when it would have been much easier to ignore me? I won't forget that.

And her advice was quite good, too, by the way: Don't back away from feeling like shit. Don't ignore your emotions. "Take them in and experience them fully so you can let them go." To not deny yourself the experience of feeling bad, because that's when the real lessons in life tend to kick in. Easier said than done, sure, but very true.

5) The weather...
A few weeks ago, when I was on top of the world, I passed by these monster snow drifts with such a huge smile on my face. It seemed like everyone else around me was grumpy, trudging along like they had a misguided hatred for Al Gore, because he hadn't done enough to bring global warming to our New York winter. But, the thought struck me of the kids in my classroom. The toddlers walking by these enormous, blistering castles of white, their eyes wide open, their imaginations soaring into the heavens.

Saturday, however, I was walking in the freezing rain for two and a half hours. The mist and fog quickly filling up my glasses and mixing with tears, assuring me that not only was I walking around aimlessly, but I also had no idea where I was going. I was pissed, I was hurt, I was a basket case, and I noticed that the same snow drifts that had given me joy, had now all turned desolate and dark. A dirt-infested dark, with deisel-engine soot, and little-tiny chunks of mud, spare tire and road garbage.

And it looks like that today. And it will look like that tomorrow. And the next week. And probably into March.

But, dammit... Spring's coming. And all that nasty junk has to melt away eventually.


Song of the night...
"My eyes adored you" by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

Movie of the night...
"Eat, Pray, Love" ...Being the 38 year old woman that I am, I'm totally going to buy that movie on dvd tomorrow and watch it twice.

3 comments:

  1. Sorry you're hanging with the dirt-sodden snow drifts, literally and figuratively. Hope you find your way out of the cold soon. And, as trite as it may be, remember everything happens for a reason. Your Princess Charming awaits, she's just REALLY bad at following directions.

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  2. The best part of a being in a dark place is that you're not alone. Others have been there and eventually seen the light. You are definitely allowed to take the time to remain 'in a funk' until you're heart remembers that life is full of great things to do! I have several friends that have started a bucket list and I followed suit because there is no cure for old, but at least you can have fun before you get there :-D So, go somewhere you've never been, visit all the people that mean a great deal to you, write some songs, jump out of a plane, the list goes on and on! There are only seven stages of grief, after all ;-)

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  3. Thanks you two-- very sweet of you both!

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