The 10 Most Crap Movies of 2010...

And now... the turds...

10) "Leap Year" ...made me want to take a leap off of something tall. I snuck in, and I still felt like I paid too much to see it.

9) "MacGruber" ...some things you can see coming a mile away, and you think, "C'mon... Are they really gonna go down that road???" And they did. And, man-almighty that road was dark. Dark and creepy. I don't think I'd ever be able to look Ryan Phillippe in the eyes.

8) "Wolfman" ...I have a theory that the director of this movie misunderstood it as a challenge when he overheard a Hollywood exec. say something along the lines of, "Wow! We've got Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt and Anthony Hopkins in this movie!!! How could we screw that up???"

7) "The Switch" ...made me wish I was watching this at home so I could switch the channel.

6) "Jonah Hex" ...many Worst Of lists put this one at the top, and... well, it's hard to argue that, but I'm going to give it a shot: This movie was so unbelievably unwatchable, that I could not help but to sit there transfixed. I'm talking edge. of. my. seat. trans. fi. xed.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing!!!

It was almost like a carnival. A really, really bad carnival where the fat lady is 110 pounds, the trapeze artists are performing on the sidewalk, and the bearded lady is actually Joaquin Phoenix...





5) "Gulliver's Travels" ...I just saw this one recently. Paid $15.75 to see it in... (ahem)... "3D".

Yes, folks... "3D" ...so glad we brought THAT back.

4) "Clash of the Titans" ...also in "3D".

Really, the greatest thing about 3D is how it's not at all become a cheap gimmick in the hands of hack filmmakers who want nothing more than to rob me out of an extra seven-fifty-- because they know how bad the economy is, and they know how hard I work for every single penny I'm able to scrounge together to go see high-quality entertainment at a multiplex whenever freaking possible...

Or, whatever, scratch that... yeah...

3) "From Paris with Love" ...Because this was released back in February I think a lot of people have forgotten what a piece of dogshit this movie was. Not me. John Travolta's overweight spy in this movie made Megan Fox's performance in 'Jonah Hex' look like Olivier in 'Hamlet'. This thing had at LEAST five moments where you wanted to shout back at the screen, "DUDE!!! YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT IN THAT BAD OF A SITUATION!!! TURN TO YOUR RIGHT!!! DO A LITTLE SHIMMY... BOOM, BAD GUYS GONE!!!"

Aurggggh, I hated that movie.

2) "Sex and the City 2" ...it was like reuniting with an old friend whom you hadn't seen in years. And then finding out that your old friend had turned into an asshole. I loved the women of SATC. I really did. But this movie just completely ruined it for me. These were not the women I remembered from the tv show. These was like a parallel universe of horrible bizarro-Carries, and bizarro-Samanthas, Mirandas and Charlottes. I wanted to shake these women. I wanted to interrupt their every conversation and say, "HEY!!! ...You're better than this."

Two things alone saved SATC2 from being the worst movie of 2010. One, Alice Eve and her enormous-- uhm... "acting abilities". And, two, the undeniable pile of feces that was, hands down... THE WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR...

1) "The Last Airbender" ...I honestly wish i would have seen this in 3D. Because then I would have at least been able to concentrate on how much of a ripoff the format had become. The 3D would have at least given me a halfway decent distraction away from whatever the hell was going on within the so-called movie.

Instead, I was forced to sit there-- to just sit there-- and try to decipher the plot. I was forced to watch the worst acting this side of public television. I was forced to listen to the most inane dialogue in the history of screen not uttered by Dolph Lundgren. I was forced to just sit there and try to figure out, on my own, without any help from the director, or the script, or any of the actors on the screen, whatever the freak it was that I was actually seeing. So, I just sat there. Losing brain cells. By the minute. Slumped down in my seat, sad and festering. I was mesmerized-- But not in a JonahHexy almost-good way.

This was just plain awful.

With Jonah Hex, I kind of (almost) want to say to you, "You won't believe how bad it is! Y'gotta see it for yourself!" But, "The Last Airbender" ...? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Good Night!!!


the five things i fell in love with today...

"Money well spent." It cost me $71 to see these turkeys. I would have much rather...

1) ...contributed the money to a member of the Tea Party.
2) ...bought a ticket to see 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' about eight times.
3) ...Five words: Back. Alley. Wisdom. Tooth. Removal.
4) ...given a few decent meals to an out-of-work CNN newscaster.
5) ...gone down to the Bronx and paid some random dude on a street corner to bash my face in with a hammer.

Song of the day...
"All the single ladies" by Beyonce ...("Here's a song Liza Minella stole from Beyonce... we're stealin' it back!")

Movie of the day...
Best damn bad movie of 2010... "Skyline"!

The 25 Best Movies of 2010...

And, so, yes... I decided to wait until today, January 3rd, 2011 to post my end of the year movie blog. I went right on ahead and wrote this thing on a day when I knew everyone and their brother would be absolutely sick and tired of Best of the Year lists.

A tragic case of short-sighted foolishness?

Or!!! A crafty maneuver of genius??? Hmmmm...

Whatever it was (and it was definitely NOT procrastination, THAT'S for sure!!!), I hope you'll still be able to find a movie among the 25 that you'll be encouraged to check out. I was reading an article today about what a low point the film industry was in from a financial standpoint, but... call me crazy-- I thought this was one of the best years ever concerning the quality of films in theaters. There are GREAT movies out there, my friends. Y'just gotta know where to look!

Anyway, here goes. My list. And I'm sticking to it. And I'm not all that embarrassed to admit it-- 'Eat, Pray, Love' just barely missed the cut!


25) "Shutter Island" God bless Martin Scorsese. I hope he lives forever.

24) "Tiny Furniture" Lena Dunham!!!

23) "Please Give" This movie doesn't have every one of my favorite actors in it, but it comes pretty close.

22) "Cairo Time" Patricia Clarkson is kind of/sort of my hero.

21) "Tangled" When I saw this trailer, I thought this movie looked pretty awful. Clearly, I am not that bright. This was the best thing Disney's done in Icantrememberwhen.

20) "Restrepo" One of the best and most intense war documentaries ever made.

19) "Toy Story 3" Yes, I cried. And so did you.

18) "The Ghost Writer" One of my favorite endings of any movie in years.

17) "The American" Upon second viewing, it might be a touch too heavy on the butterflies. But, still. Great film.

16) "True Grit" Can't wait to see what Hailee Steinfeld does next!

15) "The Kids are All Right" Best two seconds on screen all year: Watch Annette Bening react when Julianne Moore joins the dinnertime conversation at the hour and a half mark of this film. There are about 12 different things going through her mind in such a short time, and you can see all of it unfolding. Pain, anguish, anger, grief-- You can see her trying to hide it for the sake of her kids, and see the exact moment she decides to let it go. She's just amazing.

14) "Greenberg" I've talked to a few people who hated this movie because the title character was such an ass. And I get it, but... Y'know, not really. Ben Stiller had me on the edge of my seat-- Sure, Greenberg's an ass, but will he begin to learn how to become a better person? Will he want to? Is there any hope for him at all? I loved this movie.

13) "Marwencol" Full disclosure: A good friend of mine co-produced this film, and through him I got to meet the director and his wife, another co-producer. All three of these folks are really, really good people, so I was absolutely rooting for them. BUT! --And you should know this about me-- I love the movies too much to put a film on my Best Of List just because I like the people behind it. I wouldn't praise it if it was a piece of turd.

(Worst quote for a dvd cover ever: "Marwencol is not a piece of turd" --Ryan Martin)

Marwencol is really hard to describe. It's better to see it for yourself, really. But, I can just about guarantee that, when you do see it, you'll thank me for it. It's surprising, unique, incredibly entertaining, and-- more than anything else-- inspiring.

12) "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" You know the feeling you get when you look around at your music collection and you're not sure what you're in the mood for, so you sort of lazily go to something reliable, and think, "Well, I'm never disappointed by this album" ...And then you completely fall in love with it all over again, and listen and listen and listen and listen to it for about a month straight...? Yeah, I think this is going to be that kind of movie for me. Scott Pilgrim will probably always make happy.

11) "The Social Network" Aaron Sorkin!!!!!

10) "The King's Speech" Full disclosure: The screenplay I'm (STILL!) writing features a man who stutters. So, a part of me was really hoping this movie would suck. Because, then I could respond when all the bigwigs in Hollywood would inevitably cry out, in unison, "DAMMIT!!! Why can't we find anyone who can write a DECENT movie about a guy who stutters?!?!?!?!?!"

Sadly, The King's Speech was amazing.

9) "The Town" Terribly underrated, terribly under-seen movie. Ben Affleck kind of blew me away!

8) "127 Hours" Unbelievable story. And, sheeshlouise! James Franco! Unreal!

7) "The Fighter" Here's another movie that took me by surprise. Didn't think I'd love this as much as I did. Minor criticism, though-- did you ever notice that Mark Wahlberg can't talk to a kid on screen without doing a Mr. Rodgers impersonation? Drives me crazy. Watch him talk to his daughter in this movie-- does he think she's... y'know, slow or something? Why is he talking to her like that?!

6) "Black Swan" Natalie. Freaking. Portman.

5) "Winter's Bone" I want to say this felt so real, it made me feel like I was watching a documentary. But, I think any rational documentary filmmaker would have dropped his camera and run away screaming a few times during the making of this production.

4) "Inception" I know every secret there is to know about this movie... So, so true...

3) "Rabbit Hole" Heartbreaking, devastating, beautiful, truthful. Can't take your eyes off it.

2) "The Secret in their Eyes" Released in the US in 2010, this was actually the Academy Award winner for Best Foreign Film in 2009. So-- minor controversy to put this film on the list, i guess... I'll probably not get that gig on the Today show now.

But, such a great film!!! It's a bright, stellar and downright horrific mystery mixed with a terrifically-portrayed, bittersweet romance. I don't think I've seen anything like it. Which is EXACTLY the sentence I can say about...

...THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE OF THE YEAR!!!!

1) "Exit Through the Gift Shop" This one knocked me on my arse. I walked out of the theater that day not knowing exactly what I'd just seen, really. And, it's another documentary that's difficult to talk about without giving anything away. Best to just walk into it with an open mind, and a willingness to question... everything around you, basically.

"Exit" has to be the best movie I've ever seen surrounding the question "What is art?" And it's smart enough to ask that question in a new way, and on a variety of levels. It's confident enough to let you answer that question on your own terms. And it's ballsy and free enough to make fun of you for not asking the question at all.

I don't drink, but I'd have a beer with Banksy.

Very much looking forward to 2011...


The five things i fell in love with today...

1) Seriously, I thought 'Eat, Pray, Love' was really, really good! Don't judge me.
2) Also just missing the cut-- 'Fair Game', 'Waiting for Superman', and 'Easy A'.
3) Some classics I got to see on the big screen again this year-- 'Back To The Future', 'American Splendor' and 'Reservoir Dogs'. Life is good in New York!
4) Not being able to say or write the words "Full disclosure" without giggling, thinking of C.K. Dexter Haven and I, and the eccentric owner of that fancy restaurant who kept coming over to our table talking about fondue. God bless him.
5) Pete Postlethwaite. I just heard the news of his passing a few hours ago. Very sad, terrific actor. May he rest in peace.

Movie of the night...
"Crazy Heart" --missed the Best Of 2009 list, because I didn't get around to seeing it until 2010. Fantastic film, though. Underrated script. (I should point out, that there are three 2010 movies I keep hearing great things about, but have yet to see-- 'Blue Valentine' 'Another Year' and 'Somewhere')

Song of the night...
"We are Sex Bob-Omb" by Sex Bob-Omb

The best advice I ever got...

I think the best advice anyone can give works on a few levels. It's true on the surface, but can also be adapted to any number of situations. My mom gave me the best piece of advice I'd ever received, and not a month goes by when I don't think about it...

When I was young, she sat me down on her knee, and she said, "Ryan... Never refuse a breathmint."


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Big decision tonite. Do i pack for my trip back home. Or wait until the very last minute and go see "True Grit."
2) Cracker Jacks.
3) Not seeing 'Little Fockers'
4) I like this quote, too, from Eleanor Roosevelt: "Do one thing every day that scares you."
5) Altoids.

song of the day...
"I'll try anything once" by Julian Casablancas

movie of the day...
"Breathless"

So, apparently, I'm attractive.

Upon the advice of the famous and talented C.K. Dexter Haven, I recently joined a dating website called OkCupid. Wasn't really sure what I was going to find there, but, I figured "eh, why not?" Meet new people, network a bit, find a date or two, that type of thing. And, it's free. And I'm all about the free.

I've been on the site for a little over a week now, and have been pretty happy with it so far. I don't think I've met the woman of my dreams yet, but interesting conversations have popped up out of nowhere, friendships have been formed, and I quickly received my first stalker. Which is always good for the ego.

As was the first part of this OkCupid email...


"the5thingsilove:

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know. How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver."


Now, I still don't know exactly what a quiver is, but if it was something that somehow led to more compliments about my appearance, then, I'm all for it. Massive egomaniac that I am.

Although, I should say that I thought it was sort of a weird way to compliment someone. (I'm sure they got "The scales recently tipped in your favor" from a fortune cookie.) And it is a bit of an odd thing to keep a track of, now that I mention it.

Also, I think I would have liked some more specific data ("There are a grand total of 13 men on OkCupid, and, as it turns out, you are more attractive than six of them! Congratulations to you. And, I guess, to your parents as well.")

But, overall, it wasn't exactly the most terrible thing to read about yourself on a Sunday evening.

And, yet, the email continues...


"Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."

I read that and thought, Wait... Suddenly the world is my oyster??? My new "elite" status??? Go ask an ugly friend???

I dunno. I mean, I just now received this email, and haven't really had the time to process it all, but... my first impression is that it all sounds a bit too... Studio 54.

Right?

Like I've been on the outside of the ropes on a cold night in NYC, until Steve Rubell spotted me to say, "Come on in, kid, you're one of us." Sure, everyone wants to be included. No one wants to be left out. But, if I know that a host is going to exclude more people than he invites in, based primarily on physical appearance... is that really a party I'd want to walk into?

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it all feels pretty shallow to me. Like they're saying, "We're very sorry, Mr. Martin, had we only known that you were 51% more attractive than some others, we would have let you into the VIP room right away..." And that's kind of ridiculous, enit?

At the end of the day, while I am a sucker for a nice compliment, the only kind words that truly stick with me are the ones that come from somebody I respect. And I think Cupid's aim might have been a little off tonight.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) I got the greatest email in my spam folder the other day: "Get Kim Kardashian hair in minutes!!!" Dream come true.
2) A tuna fish sandwich. (I don't think I've ever even had an oyster.)
3) All my ugly friends.
4) Mike Myers.
5) Beautiful women. I think looks are important. I'm not knocking that. But I also believe that a personality can go a long way in making anyone more or less attractive.

song of the night...
"Pretty (Ugly Before)" by Elliot Smith

Movie of the night...
"Robin Hood"

Westboro Baptist EXCLUSIVE!!!

Here's a letter, stolen from the desk of Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church...


"The top 20 funerals I wish I could have picketed...

1) Eliot Ness... gay.
2) Frank Sinatra... gay.
3) Mickey Mantle... gay.
4) The 1928 Chicago Bears... gay.
5) Old Yeller... gay.
6) Walt Disney... Straight, but never made an honest mouse out of Minnie.
7) John the Baptist... gay.
8) The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man... gay.
9) Seabiscuit... gay.
10) John Wayne... flamboyantly gay.
11) Liberace... Back in '75, he didn't stop for me when I asked him for his autograph.
12) Adolph Hitler... gay.
13) The shark from Jaws... gay.
14) St. Francis of Assisi... gay.
15) Adrian Balboa... lesbian.
16) That toaster oven I used to have in college... Never quite cooked my muffins as thoroughly as I would have liked. Also gay.
17) John Quincy Adams... "Quincy"??? So, so gay.
18) Paul Lynde... made me lose a fortune in cash and prizes when I was a contestant on Hollywood squares.
19) That gay little Ewok who died near the end of The Return of The Jedi... gay.
20) Jesus Christ... Probably straight, but was way too liberal, hung out with the wrong crowd, disrespected the Sabbath, and consistently showed unconditional love towards all the people I hate. "


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Churches that go out of their way to love their neighbors.
2) It always meant a lot to me-- how Jesus would hang out with the people who were otherwise ignored. I love that about Him.
3) Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

4) Last night I spent about four hours on the phone, cracking up with my amiga C.K. Dexter Haven. She's pretty amazing, and has become a great friend to me in a short period of time. I'm very thankful for people like her in my life. Thanks, Dex.
5) Elizabeth Edwards. May she rest in peace.

song of the night...
"All you need is love" by The Beatles

movie of the night...
"The Passion of the Christ"

Skyline...

Before going to the movies this afternoon, I consulted RottenTomatoes.com and found out that one of the films on my list of must-sees had a pitiful grade of 14%.

Now, you'd think I would have learned something after checking out 'Sex and the City 2' (16% at Rotten Tomatoes) and 'The Last Airbender' (6%) but, no. "Well, THIS i gotta see!" said I.

However, I am happy to report that this time, THIS time... I chose wisely!!!

Sort of.

The movie was 'Skyline'. And it was terrible. I mean, just plain awful. But it was also fun! True, most of the fun was completely unintentional, but it was fun nonetheless.

Basically, there's a big, honking alien invasion that's taking over the world, and we're following about a half dozen chuckleheads who are trapped inside their apartment building, hiding from all the aliens who want to take them aboard these big, honking space ships and suck out their brains. And they say stuff like this...

"I just... I just can't believe this is happening!"
"Well, you better believe it! This IS happening! It's happening RIGHT NOW! And you'd better wake up!!! WAKE UP!!! ...And survive!!!"

But, hey, I mean, I dunno, there's no exact point of reference here. Maybe, at the end of the world, we will all turn into bad actors with choppy dialogue. Who knows?

The thing I was most worried about going into Skyline was this tried and true formula: "OH NO!!! ALIENS!!! WE'RE DOOMED!!! THEY'RE UNSTOPPABLE!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE PLANET THAT CAN-- oh, wait. Turns out, if we splash a little water on them, they'll die........... Right on."

It's ironic, and it's amazing, and it's almost always completely underwhelming. And we've seen it before, too. Not necessarily water, but, y'know-- "nuclear weapons won't do the trick, but there's a simple solution here that no one's thought of before, and it's working like gangbusters!" For example...

SPOILER ALERTS!!!!!

'War of the Worlds'? I liked that movie (the recent, Steven Spielberg one), but that "easy solution" part of the film left me feeling a bit ...blah. But not as blah as when Tom Cruise was reunited with his kid at the very end. Too much sap for me.

'Signs'? Yeah, kind of a crap movie, I thought. Mainly because of the whole "swing away/cup of water" thing. Well, no, mainly because the aliens looked like knock-off Muppets. But, still.

Even 'The Wizard of Oz' --it's a classic, of course, and I love it as much as everyone else does, but... really? No one ever thought about dousing the Wicked Witch with water before? I mean, her skin was green for Pete's sake, she clearly never took a shower! None of her henchmen ever put that together?

None of the flying monkeys ever got suspicious whenever they were like, "Hey, we're gonna head over to the beach for a swim, y'wanna join us?" and she was all like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Lame.

But, yeah, after seeing so many negative reviews, I just figured I was going to see more of the same old stuff with 'Skyline'. BUT!!! They very much went with a different ending. I won't tell you what it was, but I will tell you these two things: 1) It was not at all the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending. And 2) It was far, FAR more stupid than the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending.

I mean, dude!!! ...It was just dumb.

And, not only that, but it was a dumb idea, executed poorly!

But, hey, at least it was original. And, at least it wasn't a movie that was pretending to be something it wasn't. They weren't going for the best picture Oscar, right??? They just (I believe) wanted to make a big, goofy flick with a buncha aliens sucking the brains out of a few billion homo sapiens. Something to relax and mow down a bucket of popcorn to.

Total, TOTAL crap movie. And I loved it. Mark my words-- this is bound to become a campy, B-movie classic.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) How simple it is to write "SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!" This weekend, I was three short hours away from watching the latest Harry Potter movie when I noticed one of the characters was a trending topic on Twitter. So, I foolishly (foolishly, because I've not read the books) clicked onto it, and found out that this person was going to die!!! Not only this-- here's the message I read (without the names, of course)...

"Dear people who moan about the RIP (Character X) Trending Topic because it's a spoiler. (Character Y) dies in the next one. Yours sincerely, the people who read books."

Seriously, what an asshole, right?!

2) I am, actually, reading a really good book right now, thankyouverymuch! --'Unbroken' by Laura Hillenbrand.
3) Donald Faison.
4) Margaret Hamilton.
5) My less-than-mature response to the twitter jerk: "Hey, thanks SO MUCH for the HP spoilers yesterday! Yours sincerely, the people who are sarcastic to douche bags."

song of the night...
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Judy Garland

movie of the night...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part one" --liked it quite a bit!!!

Question...

When I go to Target, I'm sometimes handed a coupon with my receipt. And it's almost always something that has some sort of relevance to what I'd just purchased. If I buy a toothbrush, I may get a coupon for toothpaste. If I buy tortilla chips, I might get a coupon for salsa. Spaghetti sauce? Macaroni. Cough drops? Some sort of cold medicine, and so on...

Today, I bought hot dogs.

Just hot dogs.

And I received a coupon for toilet paper.

Now... did I completely misunderstand the Target coupon filtering system? Or is this just a testament to this particular brand of wieners?

"Wow! Yikes! Nathan's??? ...Well, here. You're gonna need THIS!"

Yeah... anyway, if anyone has some inside information on the topic, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd share it with me, as quickly as possible. Y'know... before I get my dinner ready.

I'm a little bit frightened.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) The dude in the public restroom yesterday, belting out "Lady" by Kenny Rogers. I have no idea if he'd assumed he was alone, or what, but I just thought it was great. Not the best rendition I'd ever heard, but certainly the most passionate version I will ever witness. While peeing.
2) This afternoon, my dad and I were talking about my last blog post about airport security. I told him, "Y'know, really, I don't care what they're going to do to me-- I'm never going to see those people again." And he paused for a few seconds and said, "Yeah... I guess I don't mind the groping. As long as they're not smiling while they do it."
3) Peanut butter (extra crunchy).
4) Jelly (grape).
5) I've never been truly, desperately, third-world-country type of hungry.

song of the night...
"Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. I'm not a huge country music fan, but... I have to admit, I think Kenny Rogers is pretty damn awesome.

movie of the night...
"Six Pack" ...bit of a guilty pleasure, I s'pose, but I remember renting this flick when I was a kid-- twice in as many nights. Loved it!