X-Factor Auditions, Part Two: The registration...

Kind of creepy to be walking around White Plains at 4:30 in the morning. No lights on, no cars, no people. I felt like I was in a zombie movie. And, really, at that hour, I'm sure I looked like I was in a zombie movie.

But that was what I had to go through to get myself to the Prudential Center on time. Take the Metro North train into Grand Central, grab a shuttle to Times Square, hop on the subway to Penn Station and then take yet another train to nobody's favorite destination... Newark, New Jersey. That's where the hopefuls were gathering to wait for a chance to be on Simon Cowell's new show, X-Factor.

On one of the trains, there was a good looking kid in back of me who talked openly about a great number of things. How X-Factor was going to be different from American Idol, how worthless his agent was, how badly he had to take a shit, and how he left his other outfit in the bag on his lap. "THIS?!" he said. "No way, man! I'm not wearing THIS!!! I'm gonna change when I get in there."

A seventeen year old Thomas Jane/Justin Bieber hybrid with (probably) a squeaky clean boy band in his past, an agent... and a costume change. And, this wasn't for the audition, mind you. This was just for the registration. The auditions would be held the following day.

I was convinced right then and there that this dude would make it onto the show.

The little bastard.

I've heard a variety of different estimates for the crowds on that Wednesday. Fifteen thousand, eighteen thousand. The Star Ledger estimated twenty thousand, but, if I were to offer up a guess, I would have to go with 16,428. Give or take a dozen Rhiannas. And I'm certain that a strong majority of those folks were standing in front of me by the time I arrived at 6:40 am. In the rain. It was crazy. And it was the longest line I'd ever stayed in without the promise of a roller coaster at the end of it. Instead, if I stood my ground, I would walk away from that endless ordeal... with a wristband.

I suppose it's inevitable, in a line that long, that you would come to learn a good deal about your neighbors. I certainly did. It was truly comforting, in a way, actually, as-- y'know, while we all had different backgrounds and all came from many different places, we were able to find quite a bit of common ground. Most of the people around me, for instance, shared a love for laughter, a passion for music of course, and, most importantly, more than anything else, a fervent desire to smack me in the face with their gigantic and pointy umbrellas.

That we were so sardine-packed a crowd made most of this fairly forgivable, but after awhile it really got to be ridiculous. About every third minute there was a thunk on the top or the side of my head. Thunk! ...Thunk!!! .....THUNK!!! Thunk, thunk!!! I felt like the whack-a-mole.

Through the magic of my iMac computer, I was able to recreate what I think is something of an accurate representation of said events, without, unfortunately, the many, many hours of thought-provoking swear words that were swirling about inside my head...



All this was so much more than bearable when compared to the woman I was stuck behind for the better part of three hours. "I don't understand why this line isn't mooooooving!" she whined. On and on and on, and without taking a breath, she rambled, "Why do they have us WAITING out here like this?! Don't they know it's RAINING??? This isn't right! It's NOT RIGHT!!!!! They shouldn't have us waaaaaaaiting out here like this!!!! ...In the rain??? In the RAIN??????? It's not right!!! It's just! Not! Right!!!!! ......I just don't understand why this line isn't even MOOOOVING!!!!"

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WON'T SHUT YOUR FREAKING CRYBABY PIE HOLE FOR TWO MOTHERFREAKING MINUTES IN A ROW!!!!!!

...is what i wanted to say. But I didn't. Because I am a gentleman.

Also, I wanted to preserve my delicate vocal chords. Because I am a diva.

At any rate, sometimes it's just better to scurry away from people like that. And, to be fair, it very, very much was a long ass wait. FOUR HOURS after we stepped into that line, we were finally-- finally!!! FINALLY!!! --told by a man in a headset that it would probably only be another two more hours before we walked into the building... And then he complained to the group standing next to me that there weren't enough people stabbing me in the cheekbones with their umbrellas.

Two and a half hours after that I was in the building, about to receive my very own wristband! This nice young woman fastened it on for me and told me that I had to keep it on my wrist for the entire audition process. "But, don't worry," she said, "you can still shower with it on."

And... I dunno, something about the way she said it kind of bugged me. I mean, I know I was probably just being paranoid, but I couldn't help but wonder if that was something she mentioned to all of the contestants, or just the people with scraggily beards. There was just something in her eyes that made me think that she wanted to tell me more...

"In addition to bathing, you could also brush your teeth with your wristband on... And, just so you know, your wristband will not get in your way should you decide to ...(ahem!) change your socks. Oh, and, I should probably tell you, too, that your wristband will most likely not fall off if you want to just go on ahead and apply a little deodorant tomorrow, so... m'hm..."

I didn't really appreciate it at the time, but on the train ride home I started to see it as a welcome reminder to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow was the audition. Kind of a big day. Best not to show up looking like a ripe zombie.


The five things i fell in love with today...

1) I don't believe in omens. Which is good, because before I walked out the door that day, my house key somehow managed to flip its way off of my key ring. Pretty weird, actually.
2) I've never been a Simon Cowell fan at all (at ALL!), but I did begin to understand him a little more after listening to a 14 year old in line butcher Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" for twenty minutes.
3) My scraggily beard. I kind of miss it today.
4) I recovered some dude's wallet on the subway early that morning and he seemed genuinely touched that a stranger returned it. Made me feel good. And it made me wish I believed in karma.
5) Best thing I'd heard in line that day, bar none... "It's CHICKEN!!! Chicken ain't meat! Chicken's a bird!"

Song of the night...
"Umbrella" by Rhianna

Movie of the night...
"Leonard Cohen: I'm your man"

X-Factor Auditions, part one: Why would I want to do this???

Most of the regrets I have from my childhood come from a place of fear. I was too scared to lift the bat off my shoulders in Little League, so I struck out. I was too afraid to be myself around the girls I liked, so I struck out. That type of thing.

When I was in high school, I auditioned for the All South Jersey Chorus, which is just about as prestigious as it sounds. But it meant a lot to me. And I thought I had a pretty good chance to get in. I had the house to myself the night before, and had belted out the required song in a way that made my cat not run away in terror. And, y'know, like Sinatra sang, "If you can sing out loud and the cat's ears ain't bleeding, you can make it anywhere!"

But the day of the audition came and I completely choked. To prevent favoritism, the judges were sitting behind a chalkboard so they couldn't see if we were a member of a school in their district. I'm pretty sure they called it a Blind Judge Audition because I remember thinking, while I was halfway through my song, that they probably would have preferred it if it were a Deaf Judge Audition.

I was very funny and clever when I was in high school.

But, really, I sounded awful. I was so nervous, so terrified. My voice cracked on the very first note and it just got worse from there. It seemed to go on forever, and all I wanted was to be put out of my misery... I'd had better Saturdays is what I'm trying to tell you.

I should say that I got over it eventually. It's not like the moment had scarred me permanently. But it really did bother me quite a bit. And, yeah... I guess it still does a little. I mean, I love sports, but I was never going to be a great athlete. I've always been a hopeless romantic, but I was terribly geeky as a kid.

But, dammit! I knew I could sing better than that! I'd heard myself the night before and I was actually pretty good! Seriously! I was there! I sounded alright!!! It wasn't a fluke, I had simply let my fear overtake me. And that really is a difficult thing to live with, whether you're talking about the All South Jersey Chorus or the Broadway stage.

Fast forward just a few short (short) years later to the present day... I fell in love with a girl who broke up with me, and I'm heartbroken. What's worse? I'm a diehard Mets fan. So it's clear to me at this point in my life that love and baseball were not going to be the cure for my sorrows.

I was flipping through the TV one day last month, however, and I saw... a challenge. Simon Cowell was producing a new show called X-Factor. It was going to be similar to American Idol except it was open to just about everyone. Groups, and everybody else, ages 12 and up. And! The auditions were going to be close by...

This was it! This was not only what I needed to get myself off my ass, but this was also my chance to stand up and reclaim whatever dignity I'd lost all those (not that many, really) years ago!

The winner of this show is getting $5 million, but I didn't have any delusions of grandeur about that. I just wanted to do my best. Step up to the plate and take my shot. Take a swing, take a chance and see what happened.

So, the next day, I put in for some vacation days and I prepared myself to go to the city of a million dreams. The city of hope, the city of light, the city of promises fulfilled... the city of Newark, New Jersey.


The five things I fell in love with today...

1) South Jersey!!!
2) Surviving humiliation. And it was humiliating. There was a woman in between me and the judges who was playing the background music to the song I was singing. I'd been so dreadful that, apparently, the judges were making faces at my expense. Every time this woman kept looking over to them she had to restrain herself from laughing at whatever the hell it was they were doing from behind that blackboard. Those bastards.
3) Surviving high school in general, really.
4) I did get a hit once in Little League... once. And it was a fluke, but I stood on first base with pride nonetheless... Well, no, it was more shock than pride, but, whatever.
5) Frank Sinatra.

Song of the night...
"There goes the fear" by Doves. This is a really good post-breakup album to listen to; it's called "The Last Broadcast." Also an excellent First day of Spring album. Makes me happy.

Movie of the night...
"(500) Days of Summer" A great post-breakup film to watch. Particularly, for me, this breakup. Lot of similarities there. I'm such a Tom.

The time I nearly died...

In the Bible, God spoke to Moses by way of a burning bush. In 1987, God spoke to me through a fortune cookie.

During a somewhat perplexing time in my teenaged years, I cracked open a message that said something along the lines of, "THERE IS YET TIME TO CHANGE YOUR PATH." And, whether it was God or not, it meant a great deal to me at the time.

But, I do believe that God can use silly things like that to inspire people. I do believe He moves in mysterious ways. I hadn't thought about that in awhile, but yesterday morning I opened a new pack of Altoids and read this on a thin, white sheet of paper...


"Wave this in case of surrender."

Now, I know this is just a fun and quirky marketing thing. And I refuse to believe that Al or anybody else in the Toid family had anything profound or spiritual in mind when they approved this phrase. Still, I couldn't help but stare at it for a really long time, thinking... "What am I going to surrender to?"

It brought to my mind a summer afternoon in South Jersey (a few years after the fortune cookie), when I was a camp counselor. I was nervously paddling the front end of a two man canoe with our head counselor, Dan. We turned a corner a bit too quickly, Dan mumbled whatever the Christian Camp Counselor equivalent was to "Oh shit!" and before I knew it, we were in the water. Which was not at all a good thing for me, as I couldn't swim.

I remember how cold and slimy the water felt. I remember watching our overnight supplies tumbling into the lake after me. But, more than anything else on that day, I remember the utter terror I felt when I realized that my feet were not touching ground. I was in deep, deep trouble.

At the top of my lungs, I pleaded for my life. "DAN! HELP ME!!! I CAN'T SWIM!!! I CAN'T SWIM, DAN!!!!!"

It was a minor miracle, with all my frantic splashing, that I could see anything at all, but I did notice that our flipped-over canoe was in between Dan and me. And I had enough time among the panic to start to get pissed that he wasn't coming to my rescue.

"DAN!!!" I shouted, "PLEASE HELP ME! I'M NOT FREAKING KIDDING AROUND, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

To which he replied, "RYAN! I'M NOT FREAKING KIDDING AROUND EITHER!!! YOU'RE WEARING A LIFE JACKET! ...DUDE, YOU'RE FLOATING!"

"WHAT?!?!?! ...OH!!! ......oh."

.......

Now, it's some twenty years later, and again, I feel like I'm drowning. A week ago I was in love, and now I'm heartsick. I had to take some time off work, as if I were grieving a death in my family. My eyes are a rich crimson for the lack of sleep, and my ribs are hurting from six days of sobbing. And yet, the question remains... What am I going to surrender to?

My sorrow? This fear of sinking? This feeling that I might never return from such a murky body of water? Or to the thought that there's something out there, keeping me afloat.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) We have a two year old in our classroom whose Friday afternoon snack time melted-chocolate mustache made her look EXACTLY like Inigo Montoya. I wish I could share a picture with you; it's uncanny.
2) Life jackets.
3) Fortune cookies.
4) Stopping myself at snack time before I completed my recital of Inigo Montoya's famous speech. Not, as it turns out, toddler appropriate.
5) Well, hey... whatever my decision, I know I won't have to surrender to chronic halitosis! Thank you, Altoids! You really are curiously strong! :)

Song of the night...
"No one is alone" by Mandy Patinkin

Movie of the night...
"The Princess Bride"

My brand new favorite song of all time...

ALL MY FAVORITE PEOPLE
(by Linford Detweiler of Over The Rhine)

All my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

Some prayers are better left unspoken
I just wanna hold you
And let the rest go

All my friends are part saint and part sinner
We lean on each other
Try to rise above

We’re not afraid to admit we’re all still beginners
We’re all late bloomers
When it comes to love

All my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

Orphaned believers, skeptical dreamers
Step forward
You can stay right here
You don’t have to go

Is each wound you’ve received
Just a burdensome gift?
It gets so hard to lift
Yourself up off the ground

But the poet says, We must praise the mutilated world
We’re all workin’ the graveyard shift
You might as well sing along

All my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

(As for) your tender heart—
This world’s gonna rip it wide open
It ain’t gonna be pretty
But you’re not alone

‘Cause all my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

Orphaned believers, skeptical dreamers
You’re welcome
Yeah, you’re safe right here
You don’t have to go

‘Cause all my favorite people are broken
Believe me
I should know

Some prayers are better left unspoken
I just wanna hold you
And let the rest go


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Over the Rhine. They're just plain old amazing.

2) "The Long Surrender" is the name of their new album, and it's one of their best. Which is saying quite a bit.

3) God's good timing... I wanted to pre-order (and thus get an advanced copy) of 'Surrender' a few months ago, but I just never got around to it. But, much like God's way of using the foolish things of this world to shame the wise, I've found that He will oftentimes use my procrastination to my benefit.

I would have loved this record no matter when I heard it, but i desperately NEEDED to hear it today. Nearly every song touched my heart deeply. It was as if Detweiler and Karin Bergquist were eavesdropping on my life over these past few horrible days, and then decided to sing (beautifully) to me-- and just me-- the things I needed to hear. Among them...

"Come on boys/Now don't be shy/If we gotta walk away/We gotta hold our heads up high/You’re not the first one to start again/Come on now friends/There is something to be said for tenacity/I’ll hold on to you/If you hold on to me..." (Bergquist)

"I’ve got a thousand lost songs (Far too many they just got away) I’ve done a thousand things wrong (Far too many for me to name) But I’m not too far gone/To fall/Headlong/Into the arms that love me..." (Detweiler)

Shitlouise, they're good.
(Side note: There's another tune on this album called "Oh yeah by the way" And it might just be my brand new second favorite song of all time. It speaks just about the exact words I'm thinking at the moment, and absolutely rips my heart in two.)

4) My unbelievable friends. In particular one who today showed her amazing capacity to love by taking a verse from the Bible literally. (The second part of Romans 12:15... King James version.)

5) 'Eat Pray Love' Yes. It's the movie of the night for two posts in a row.

Now, I'm not embarrassed to love that movie as much as I do. And I'm not embarrassed to say that it makes me cry. But, when the young hipster dude behind the counter at the White Plains Barnes & Noble asked me if I needed any help finding anything, I was embarrassed enough to pretend I still had a girlfriend.

Hipster: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Uhm, yes, I'm supposed to pick up some movie called, uhhh... What was it...? 'Eat Pray Love'...?
Hipster: Oh, okay, yeah, I think it's right over here.
Me: Ahh, great! Yes (chuckle, chuckle), I would have been in a bit of trouble if I didn't bring that back home with me tonight! (chuckle, chuckle)...
Hipster: (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)...

This actually happened.

Heartbreak...

This is a challenging post. Because I feel horrible. I feel confused, a bit lost, and I'm heartbroken. But, this is one of the reasons I started writing this damn blog, isn't it? To focus on the amazing and good things in my life-- even when I'm feeling down...?

And, you know...? Now that I'm at a significantly low point in my life, I can't help but think... what a piece of shit idea that really was. Seriously, I recall it seemed like such a good plan at the time, but, shitlouise, what was I thinking?!

(Side note: I just re-read this post and realized that, because I didn't mention many specifics about the cause of my heartbreak, most of you will more than likely assume I'm talking about Super Bowl XLV. But, no. Bummed as I am that the Steelers didn't come through for me... at the end of the day, it's just a game. So, who cares?)

Anyway, here we go...

the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Heartbreak equals weight loss...
One of my main resolutions for this new year was to drop 45 pounds. And I did that this afternoon. Well, no, not really, obviously, but I have lost six pounds since Friday, which... y'know, isn't "good" necessarily. But it's not all that worrisome to me, either. My appetite will return soon enough. And, in the meantime, it's been pretty cool to step on the scale the last few mornings.

2) Gaining strength by way of kicking temptation's mint-flavored ass...
In the past, when I've been low, I've clung to unhealthy foods for support. So, it feels really, really good to have avoided both Ben and Jerry this go around.

3) Neil Young...
Being the 14 year old girl that I am, I usually tend to listen to The Smiths after a punishing breakup. But something told me to turn up Neil Young this afternoon, and I was glad I did. There's enough sadness and passion in his album "Everybody knows this is nowhere" to get me through another hour. And, for that I'd like to shake his hand.

4) Good advice from great friends...
I have a lot of truly wonderful friends. Best in the world, I figure. One stood out this morning, though, because she gave me advice despite the fact that she had a pretty damn good reason for not writing me back at all. Her words meant a great deal to me... I can't explain the situation, because I know it would very much embarrass someone I love (myself). But, knowing that she was kind when it would have been much easier to ignore me? I won't forget that.

And her advice was quite good, too, by the way: Don't back away from feeling like shit. Don't ignore your emotions. "Take them in and experience them fully so you can let them go." To not deny yourself the experience of feeling bad, because that's when the real lessons in life tend to kick in. Easier said than done, sure, but very true.

5) The weather...
A few weeks ago, when I was on top of the world, I passed by these monster snow drifts with such a huge smile on my face. It seemed like everyone else around me was grumpy, trudging along like they had a misguided hatred for Al Gore, because he hadn't done enough to bring global warming to our New York winter. But, the thought struck me of the kids in my classroom. The toddlers walking by these enormous, blistering castles of white, their eyes wide open, their imaginations soaring into the heavens.

Saturday, however, I was walking in the freezing rain for two and a half hours. The mist and fog quickly filling up my glasses and mixing with tears, assuring me that not only was I walking around aimlessly, but I also had no idea where I was going. I was pissed, I was hurt, I was a basket case, and I noticed that the same snow drifts that had given me joy, had now all turned desolate and dark. A dirt-infested dark, with deisel-engine soot, and little-tiny chunks of mud, spare tire and road garbage.

And it looks like that today. And it will look like that tomorrow. And the next week. And probably into March.

But, dammit... Spring's coming. And all that nasty junk has to melt away eventually.


Song of the night...
"My eyes adored you" by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

Movie of the night...
"Eat, Pray, Love" ...Being the 38 year old woman that I am, I'm totally going to buy that movie on dvd tomorrow and watch it twice.

A rose by any other name...

Today, for no apparent reason, I found myself thinking about Alice Cooper.

I've never been a big fan, really. The song "School's Out" was always being sung by some of the older kids on the bus on the last day of classes. Fourth grade, fifth grade. And, while it seemed like a catchy tune, it also got a touch repetitive somewhere in between the 20 minute trek between Leda Shishoff Elementary and Thomas Avenue. Usually right around Tuckahoe Road.

Anyway, I'd never given him much thought, and don't know a great deal about him, but somehow or another, I have picked up some random information on the guy over the years. I've learned (somehow) that Alice Cooper put on a stellar live show back in the day, and is a pretty nifty golfer. And apparently Bob Dylan once told Rolling Stone magazine that he thought Alice was not too shabby. Or something.

I've also heard-- and this is what was on my mind today-- that "Alice Cooper" was originally the name of the band, not the man.

Again, no particular reason this popped into my head. Just kinda struck me funny. Y'know, just the thought that, at some point in his life, after a certain amount of gigs and misunderstandings, he had to have this conversation with himself...

"(sigh)... Okay, fine, people, you win. I'm Alice."

It was just easier that way, I guess. People kept calling him Alice, and eventually he just kinda went with it. And I thought that was interesting. Kind of makes me wish I was a cruel, mad scientist of some sort, so I could set up experiments on the topic. Lock somebody up in a room for a bit and repeatedly call them Betty or Leonard or Goldfish until they forgot who they were.

But, and I think this is the part I find the most interesting, did Alice Cooper forget who he was? Does Alice Cooper think of himself as Alice Cooper now, or does he still think of himself as Vincent? Has he spent more of his life as Alice? Would he have always liked to have been Alice? Do his friends back home call him Alice? When people approach him in dreams, what do they call him? Does he regret not naming the band Roger Cooper? When waiting for a table at Cracker Barrel, does he say, "Yes, uh, table for four, please, for Alice?"

When he became Alice Cooper, did he lose his identity? And, if so... is he okay with that?

I suppose it's fascinating to me because, as dreadfully flawed as I am, I quite like being who I am. But, I tend to think that, if I had to change my name to become a world famous rock star or actor or librarian or whatever, it probably wouldn't phase me all that much. I used to be the kid on the schoolbus who was afraid of being called names, but, now I'm a bit like the lady in the Elvis Costello song: "you can call me anything you like, but my name is Veronica."

But, of course, as soon as I put that on the computer screen, I immediately regretted it, thinking that some of you will now start calling me Veronica. So maybe I still don't know what i'm talking about.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Minature golf. I rock.
2) Elvis Costello.
3) Wikipedia, for letting me know what Alice Cooper's real name was. Who knew?
4) The Eddie Izzard routine about Englebert Humperdink. Classic stuff. It's probably on youtube, but I'm too lazy to look it up at the moment. If anyone finds it, though, don't be shy to put it in the comments, thanks!
5) Leda Shishoff.

Song of the night...
"My Science Fiction Twin" by Elvis Costello

Movie of the night...
"Alice doesn't live here anymore"

Some typos are worse than otters...

This afternoon I received an email from an institution of higher learnin'. I'm not kidding-- they offered me an opportunity to earn...

..."A Maste's Degree in Creative Writing"

Yeah, uhm... No thanks.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) The thing is, for about a good solid minute, it really bugged me. I thought, "What's a Maste's Degree? ...Is that sort of like... between a Bachelor's and a Master's or...?"
2) The other thing is, of all the letters in the alphabet, you're seriously going to forget the 'R'?????? C'mon, dude.
3) Tonight, I cooked myself a delicious and healthy dinner of Chicken Stir Fry!!!! The number one New Year's resolution on my list is to lose a ton of weight (Literally. A ton.). And, I'm happy to report, I am off to an amazing start!!!
4) Typos from institutions of higher learnin'. I really don't know what this says about my confidence as a writer, but... it really does make me happy to catch this sort of thing.
5) Well, hey, at least, y'know... I guess it is creative, in a way, no...? Maybe that's what they're doing? Breaking new ground? Maybe that's what they were going for...? Maybe it's some sort of French New Wave-kinda... Bohemian-sorta thing where they don't have to, y'know, spell every word correctly, or live by the rules, or bow down to the laws of nature, or shower.

No...?

song of the night...
"Spelling Bee" by Missy Elliot

movie of the night...
"Spellbound (2004)"

The 10 Most Crap Movies of 2010...

And now... the turds...

10) "Leap Year" ...made me want to take a leap off of something tall. I snuck in, and I still felt like I paid too much to see it.

9) "MacGruber" ...some things you can see coming a mile away, and you think, "C'mon... Are they really gonna go down that road???" And they did. And, man-almighty that road was dark. Dark and creepy. I don't think I'd ever be able to look Ryan Phillippe in the eyes.

8) "Wolfman" ...I have a theory that the director of this movie misunderstood it as a challenge when he overheard a Hollywood exec. say something along the lines of, "Wow! We've got Benicio Del Toro, Emily Blunt and Anthony Hopkins in this movie!!! How could we screw that up???"

7) "The Switch" ...made me wish I was watching this at home so I could switch the channel.

6) "Jonah Hex" ...many Worst Of lists put this one at the top, and... well, it's hard to argue that, but I'm going to give it a shot: This movie was so unbelievably unwatchable, that I could not help but to sit there transfixed. I'm talking edge. of. my. seat. trans. fi. xed.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing!!!

It was almost like a carnival. A really, really bad carnival where the fat lady is 110 pounds, the trapeze artists are performing on the sidewalk, and the bearded lady is actually Joaquin Phoenix...





5) "Gulliver's Travels" ...I just saw this one recently. Paid $15.75 to see it in... (ahem)... "3D".

Yes, folks... "3D" ...so glad we brought THAT back.

4) "Clash of the Titans" ...also in "3D".

Really, the greatest thing about 3D is how it's not at all become a cheap gimmick in the hands of hack filmmakers who want nothing more than to rob me out of an extra seven-fifty-- because they know how bad the economy is, and they know how hard I work for every single penny I'm able to scrounge together to go see high-quality entertainment at a multiplex whenever freaking possible...

Or, whatever, scratch that... yeah...

3) "From Paris with Love" ...Because this was released back in February I think a lot of people have forgotten what a piece of dogshit this movie was. Not me. John Travolta's overweight spy in this movie made Megan Fox's performance in 'Jonah Hex' look like Olivier in 'Hamlet'. This thing had at LEAST five moments where you wanted to shout back at the screen, "DUDE!!! YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT IN THAT BAD OF A SITUATION!!! TURN TO YOUR RIGHT!!! DO A LITTLE SHIMMY... BOOM, BAD GUYS GONE!!!"

Aurggggh, I hated that movie.

2) "Sex and the City 2" ...it was like reuniting with an old friend whom you hadn't seen in years. And then finding out that your old friend had turned into an asshole. I loved the women of SATC. I really did. But this movie just completely ruined it for me. These were not the women I remembered from the tv show. These was like a parallel universe of horrible bizarro-Carries, and bizarro-Samanthas, Mirandas and Charlottes. I wanted to shake these women. I wanted to interrupt their every conversation and say, "HEY!!! ...You're better than this."

Two things alone saved SATC2 from being the worst movie of 2010. One, Alice Eve and her enormous-- uhm... "acting abilities". And, two, the undeniable pile of feces that was, hands down... THE WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR...

1) "The Last Airbender" ...I honestly wish i would have seen this in 3D. Because then I would have at least been able to concentrate on how much of a ripoff the format had become. The 3D would have at least given me a halfway decent distraction away from whatever the hell was going on within the so-called movie.

Instead, I was forced to sit there-- to just sit there-- and try to decipher the plot. I was forced to watch the worst acting this side of public television. I was forced to listen to the most inane dialogue in the history of screen not uttered by Dolph Lundgren. I was forced to just sit there and try to figure out, on my own, without any help from the director, or the script, or any of the actors on the screen, whatever the freak it was that I was actually seeing. So, I just sat there. Losing brain cells. By the minute. Slumped down in my seat, sad and festering. I was mesmerized-- But not in a JonahHexy almost-good way.

This was just plain awful.

With Jonah Hex, I kind of (almost) want to say to you, "You won't believe how bad it is! Y'gotta see it for yourself!" But, "The Last Airbender" ...? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Good Night!!!


the five things i fell in love with today...

"Money well spent." It cost me $71 to see these turkeys. I would have much rather...

1) ...contributed the money to a member of the Tea Party.
2) ...bought a ticket to see 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' about eight times.
3) ...Five words: Back. Alley. Wisdom. Tooth. Removal.
4) ...given a few decent meals to an out-of-work CNN newscaster.
5) ...gone down to the Bronx and paid some random dude on a street corner to bash my face in with a hammer.

Song of the day...
"All the single ladies" by Beyonce ...("Here's a song Liza Minella stole from Beyonce... we're stealin' it back!")

Movie of the day...
Best damn bad movie of 2010... "Skyline"!

The 25 Best Movies of 2010...

And, so, yes... I decided to wait until today, January 3rd, 2011 to post my end of the year movie blog. I went right on ahead and wrote this thing on a day when I knew everyone and their brother would be absolutely sick and tired of Best of the Year lists.

A tragic case of short-sighted foolishness?

Or!!! A crafty maneuver of genius??? Hmmmm...

Whatever it was (and it was definitely NOT procrastination, THAT'S for sure!!!), I hope you'll still be able to find a movie among the 25 that you'll be encouraged to check out. I was reading an article today about what a low point the film industry was in from a financial standpoint, but... call me crazy-- I thought this was one of the best years ever concerning the quality of films in theaters. There are GREAT movies out there, my friends. Y'just gotta know where to look!

Anyway, here goes. My list. And I'm sticking to it. And I'm not all that embarrassed to admit it-- 'Eat, Pray, Love' just barely missed the cut!


25) "Shutter Island" God bless Martin Scorsese. I hope he lives forever.

24) "Tiny Furniture" Lena Dunham!!!

23) "Please Give" This movie doesn't have every one of my favorite actors in it, but it comes pretty close.

22) "Cairo Time" Patricia Clarkson is kind of/sort of my hero.

21) "Tangled" When I saw this trailer, I thought this movie looked pretty awful. Clearly, I am not that bright. This was the best thing Disney's done in Icantrememberwhen.

20) "Restrepo" One of the best and most intense war documentaries ever made.

19) "Toy Story 3" Yes, I cried. And so did you.

18) "The Ghost Writer" One of my favorite endings of any movie in years.

17) "The American" Upon second viewing, it might be a touch too heavy on the butterflies. But, still. Great film.

16) "True Grit" Can't wait to see what Hailee Steinfeld does next!

15) "The Kids are All Right" Best two seconds on screen all year: Watch Annette Bening react when Julianne Moore joins the dinnertime conversation at the hour and a half mark of this film. There are about 12 different things going through her mind in such a short time, and you can see all of it unfolding. Pain, anguish, anger, grief-- You can see her trying to hide it for the sake of her kids, and see the exact moment she decides to let it go. She's just amazing.

14) "Greenberg" I've talked to a few people who hated this movie because the title character was such an ass. And I get it, but... Y'know, not really. Ben Stiller had me on the edge of my seat-- Sure, Greenberg's an ass, but will he begin to learn how to become a better person? Will he want to? Is there any hope for him at all? I loved this movie.

13) "Marwencol" Full disclosure: A good friend of mine co-produced this film, and through him I got to meet the director and his wife, another co-producer. All three of these folks are really, really good people, so I was absolutely rooting for them. BUT! --And you should know this about me-- I love the movies too much to put a film on my Best Of List just because I like the people behind it. I wouldn't praise it if it was a piece of turd.

(Worst quote for a dvd cover ever: "Marwencol is not a piece of turd" --Ryan Martin)

Marwencol is really hard to describe. It's better to see it for yourself, really. But, I can just about guarantee that, when you do see it, you'll thank me for it. It's surprising, unique, incredibly entertaining, and-- more than anything else-- inspiring.

12) "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" You know the feeling you get when you look around at your music collection and you're not sure what you're in the mood for, so you sort of lazily go to something reliable, and think, "Well, I'm never disappointed by this album" ...And then you completely fall in love with it all over again, and listen and listen and listen and listen to it for about a month straight...? Yeah, I think this is going to be that kind of movie for me. Scott Pilgrim will probably always make happy.

11) "The Social Network" Aaron Sorkin!!!!!

10) "The King's Speech" Full disclosure: The screenplay I'm (STILL!) writing features a man who stutters. So, a part of me was really hoping this movie would suck. Because, then I could respond when all the bigwigs in Hollywood would inevitably cry out, in unison, "DAMMIT!!! Why can't we find anyone who can write a DECENT movie about a guy who stutters?!?!?!?!?!"

Sadly, The King's Speech was amazing.

9) "The Town" Terribly underrated, terribly under-seen movie. Ben Affleck kind of blew me away!

8) "127 Hours" Unbelievable story. And, sheeshlouise! James Franco! Unreal!

7) "The Fighter" Here's another movie that took me by surprise. Didn't think I'd love this as much as I did. Minor criticism, though-- did you ever notice that Mark Wahlberg can't talk to a kid on screen without doing a Mr. Rodgers impersonation? Drives me crazy. Watch him talk to his daughter in this movie-- does he think she's... y'know, slow or something? Why is he talking to her like that?!

6) "Black Swan" Natalie. Freaking. Portman.

5) "Winter's Bone" I want to say this felt so real, it made me feel like I was watching a documentary. But, I think any rational documentary filmmaker would have dropped his camera and run away screaming a few times during the making of this production.

4) "Inception" I know every secret there is to know about this movie... So, so true...

3) "Rabbit Hole" Heartbreaking, devastating, beautiful, truthful. Can't take your eyes off it.

2) "The Secret in their Eyes" Released in the US in 2010, this was actually the Academy Award winner for Best Foreign Film in 2009. So-- minor controversy to put this film on the list, i guess... I'll probably not get that gig on the Today show now.

But, such a great film!!! It's a bright, stellar and downright horrific mystery mixed with a terrifically-portrayed, bittersweet romance. I don't think I've seen anything like it. Which is EXACTLY the sentence I can say about...

...THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE OF THE YEAR!!!!

1) "Exit Through the Gift Shop" This one knocked me on my arse. I walked out of the theater that day not knowing exactly what I'd just seen, really. And, it's another documentary that's difficult to talk about without giving anything away. Best to just walk into it with an open mind, and a willingness to question... everything around you, basically.

"Exit" has to be the best movie I've ever seen surrounding the question "What is art?" And it's smart enough to ask that question in a new way, and on a variety of levels. It's confident enough to let you answer that question on your own terms. And it's ballsy and free enough to make fun of you for not asking the question at all.

I don't drink, but I'd have a beer with Banksy.

Very much looking forward to 2011...


The five things i fell in love with today...

1) Seriously, I thought 'Eat, Pray, Love' was really, really good! Don't judge me.
2) Also just missing the cut-- 'Fair Game', 'Waiting for Superman', and 'Easy A'.
3) Some classics I got to see on the big screen again this year-- 'Back To The Future', 'American Splendor' and 'Reservoir Dogs'. Life is good in New York!
4) Not being able to say or write the words "Full disclosure" without giggling, thinking of C.K. Dexter Haven and I, and the eccentric owner of that fancy restaurant who kept coming over to our table talking about fondue. God bless him.
5) Pete Postlethwaite. I just heard the news of his passing a few hours ago. Very sad, terrific actor. May he rest in peace.

Movie of the night...
"Crazy Heart" --missed the Best Of 2009 list, because I didn't get around to seeing it until 2010. Fantastic film, though. Underrated script. (I should point out, that there are three 2010 movies I keep hearing great things about, but have yet to see-- 'Blue Valentine' 'Another Year' and 'Somewhere')

Song of the night...
"We are Sex Bob-Omb" by Sex Bob-Omb

The best advice I ever got...

I think the best advice anyone can give works on a few levels. It's true on the surface, but can also be adapted to any number of situations. My mom gave me the best piece of advice I'd ever received, and not a month goes by when I don't think about it...

When I was young, she sat me down on her knee, and she said, "Ryan... Never refuse a breathmint."


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Big decision tonite. Do i pack for my trip back home. Or wait until the very last minute and go see "True Grit."
2) Cracker Jacks.
3) Not seeing 'Little Fockers'
4) I like this quote, too, from Eleanor Roosevelt: "Do one thing every day that scares you."
5) Altoids.

song of the day...
"I'll try anything once" by Julian Casablancas

movie of the day...
"Breathless"

So, apparently, I'm attractive.

Upon the advice of the famous and talented C.K. Dexter Haven, I recently joined a dating website called OkCupid. Wasn't really sure what I was going to find there, but, I figured "eh, why not?" Meet new people, network a bit, find a date or two, that type of thing. And, it's free. And I'm all about the free.

I've been on the site for a little over a week now, and have been pretty happy with it so far. I don't think I've met the woman of my dreams yet, but interesting conversations have popped up out of nowhere, friendships have been formed, and I quickly received my first stalker. Which is always good for the ego.

As was the first part of this OkCupid email...


"the5thingsilove:

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid's most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know. How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver."


Now, I still don't know exactly what a quiver is, but if it was something that somehow led to more compliments about my appearance, then, I'm all for it. Massive egomaniac that I am.

Although, I should say that I thought it was sort of a weird way to compliment someone. (I'm sure they got "The scales recently tipped in your favor" from a fortune cookie.) And it is a bit of an odd thing to keep a track of, now that I mention it.

Also, I think I would have liked some more specific data ("There are a grand total of 13 men on OkCupid, and, as it turns out, you are more attractive than six of them! Congratulations to you. And, I guess, to your parents as well.")

But, overall, it wasn't exactly the most terrible thing to read about yourself on a Sunday evening.

And, yet, the email continues...


"Your new elite status comes with one important privilege: You will now see more attractive people in your match results.
This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results. Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn't just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see."

I read that and thought, Wait... Suddenly the world is my oyster??? My new "elite" status??? Go ask an ugly friend???

I dunno. I mean, I just now received this email, and haven't really had the time to process it all, but... my first impression is that it all sounds a bit too... Studio 54.

Right?

Like I've been on the outside of the ropes on a cold night in NYC, until Steve Rubell spotted me to say, "Come on in, kid, you're one of us." Sure, everyone wants to be included. No one wants to be left out. But, if I know that a host is going to exclude more people than he invites in, based primarily on physical appearance... is that really a party I'd want to walk into?

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it all feels pretty shallow to me. Like they're saying, "We're very sorry, Mr. Martin, had we only known that you were 51% more attractive than some others, we would have let you into the VIP room right away..." And that's kind of ridiculous, enit?

At the end of the day, while I am a sucker for a nice compliment, the only kind words that truly stick with me are the ones that come from somebody I respect. And I think Cupid's aim might have been a little off tonight.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) I got the greatest email in my spam folder the other day: "Get Kim Kardashian hair in minutes!!!" Dream come true.
2) A tuna fish sandwich. (I don't think I've ever even had an oyster.)
3) All my ugly friends.
4) Mike Myers.
5) Beautiful women. I think looks are important. I'm not knocking that. But I also believe that a personality can go a long way in making anyone more or less attractive.

song of the night...
"Pretty (Ugly Before)" by Elliot Smith

Movie of the night...
"Robin Hood"

Westboro Baptist EXCLUSIVE!!!

Here's a letter, stolen from the desk of Fred Phelps, the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church...


"The top 20 funerals I wish I could have picketed...

1) Eliot Ness... gay.
2) Frank Sinatra... gay.
3) Mickey Mantle... gay.
4) The 1928 Chicago Bears... gay.
5) Old Yeller... gay.
6) Walt Disney... Straight, but never made an honest mouse out of Minnie.
7) John the Baptist... gay.
8) The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man... gay.
9) Seabiscuit... gay.
10) John Wayne... flamboyantly gay.
11) Liberace... Back in '75, he didn't stop for me when I asked him for his autograph.
12) Adolph Hitler... gay.
13) The shark from Jaws... gay.
14) St. Francis of Assisi... gay.
15) Adrian Balboa... lesbian.
16) That toaster oven I used to have in college... Never quite cooked my muffins as thoroughly as I would have liked. Also gay.
17) John Quincy Adams... "Quincy"??? So, so gay.
18) Paul Lynde... made me lose a fortune in cash and prizes when I was a contestant on Hollywood squares.
19) That gay little Ewok who died near the end of The Return of The Jedi... gay.
20) Jesus Christ... Probably straight, but was way too liberal, hung out with the wrong crowd, disrespected the Sabbath, and consistently showed unconditional love towards all the people I hate. "


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Churches that go out of their way to love their neighbors.
2) It always meant a lot to me-- how Jesus would hang out with the people who were otherwise ignored. I love that about Him.
3) Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

4) Last night I spent about four hours on the phone, cracking up with my amiga C.K. Dexter Haven. She's pretty amazing, and has become a great friend to me in a short period of time. I'm very thankful for people like her in my life. Thanks, Dex.
5) Elizabeth Edwards. May she rest in peace.

song of the night...
"All you need is love" by The Beatles

movie of the night...
"The Passion of the Christ"

Skyline...

Before going to the movies this afternoon, I consulted RottenTomatoes.com and found out that one of the films on my list of must-sees had a pitiful grade of 14%.

Now, you'd think I would have learned something after checking out 'Sex and the City 2' (16% at Rotten Tomatoes) and 'The Last Airbender' (6%) but, no. "Well, THIS i gotta see!" said I.

However, I am happy to report that this time, THIS time... I chose wisely!!!

Sort of.

The movie was 'Skyline'. And it was terrible. I mean, just plain awful. But it was also fun! True, most of the fun was completely unintentional, but it was fun nonetheless.

Basically, there's a big, honking alien invasion that's taking over the world, and we're following about a half dozen chuckleheads who are trapped inside their apartment building, hiding from all the aliens who want to take them aboard these big, honking space ships and suck out their brains. And they say stuff like this...

"I just... I just can't believe this is happening!"
"Well, you better believe it! This IS happening! It's happening RIGHT NOW! And you'd better wake up!!! WAKE UP!!! ...And survive!!!"

But, hey, I mean, I dunno, there's no exact point of reference here. Maybe, at the end of the world, we will all turn into bad actors with choppy dialogue. Who knows?

The thing I was most worried about going into Skyline was this tried and true formula: "OH NO!!! ALIENS!!! WE'RE DOOMED!!! THEY'RE UNSTOPPABLE!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE PLANET THAT CAN-- oh, wait. Turns out, if we splash a little water on them, they'll die........... Right on."

It's ironic, and it's amazing, and it's almost always completely underwhelming. And we've seen it before, too. Not necessarily water, but, y'know-- "nuclear weapons won't do the trick, but there's a simple solution here that no one's thought of before, and it's working like gangbusters!" For example...

SPOILER ALERTS!!!!!

'War of the Worlds'? I liked that movie (the recent, Steven Spielberg one), but that "easy solution" part of the film left me feeling a bit ...blah. But not as blah as when Tom Cruise was reunited with his kid at the very end. Too much sap for me.

'Signs'? Yeah, kind of a crap movie, I thought. Mainly because of the whole "swing away/cup of water" thing. Well, no, mainly because the aliens looked like knock-off Muppets. But, still.

Even 'The Wizard of Oz' --it's a classic, of course, and I love it as much as everyone else does, but... really? No one ever thought about dousing the Wicked Witch with water before? I mean, her skin was green for Pete's sake, she clearly never took a shower! None of her henchmen ever put that together?

None of the flying monkeys ever got suspicious whenever they were like, "Hey, we're gonna head over to the beach for a swim, y'wanna join us?" and she was all like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Lame.

But, yeah, after seeing so many negative reviews, I just figured I was going to see more of the same old stuff with 'Skyline'. BUT!!! They very much went with a different ending. I won't tell you what it was, but I will tell you these two things: 1) It was not at all the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending. And 2) It was far, FAR more stupid than the typical 'Throw some water on the bad guys, and we'll save the planet' ending.

I mean, dude!!! ...It was just dumb.

And, not only that, but it was a dumb idea, executed poorly!

But, hey, at least it was original. And, at least it wasn't a movie that was pretending to be something it wasn't. They weren't going for the best picture Oscar, right??? They just (I believe) wanted to make a big, goofy flick with a buncha aliens sucking the brains out of a few billion homo sapiens. Something to relax and mow down a bucket of popcorn to.

Total, TOTAL crap movie. And I loved it. Mark my words-- this is bound to become a campy, B-movie classic.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) How simple it is to write "SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!" This weekend, I was three short hours away from watching the latest Harry Potter movie when I noticed one of the characters was a trending topic on Twitter. So, I foolishly (foolishly, because I've not read the books) clicked onto it, and found out that this person was going to die!!! Not only this-- here's the message I read (without the names, of course)...

"Dear people who moan about the RIP (Character X) Trending Topic because it's a spoiler. (Character Y) dies in the next one. Yours sincerely, the people who read books."

Seriously, what an asshole, right?!

2) I am, actually, reading a really good book right now, thankyouverymuch! --'Unbroken' by Laura Hillenbrand.
3) Donald Faison.
4) Margaret Hamilton.
5) My less-than-mature response to the twitter jerk: "Hey, thanks SO MUCH for the HP spoilers yesterday! Yours sincerely, the people who are sarcastic to douche bags."

song of the night...
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Judy Garland

movie of the night...
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part one" --liked it quite a bit!!!

Question...

When I go to Target, I'm sometimes handed a coupon with my receipt. And it's almost always something that has some sort of relevance to what I'd just purchased. If I buy a toothbrush, I may get a coupon for toothpaste. If I buy tortilla chips, I might get a coupon for salsa. Spaghetti sauce? Macaroni. Cough drops? Some sort of cold medicine, and so on...

Today, I bought hot dogs.

Just hot dogs.

And I received a coupon for toilet paper.

Now... did I completely misunderstand the Target coupon filtering system? Or is this just a testament to this particular brand of wieners?

"Wow! Yikes! Nathan's??? ...Well, here. You're gonna need THIS!"

Yeah... anyway, if anyone has some inside information on the topic, I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd share it with me, as quickly as possible. Y'know... before I get my dinner ready.

I'm a little bit frightened.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) The dude in the public restroom yesterday, belting out "Lady" by Kenny Rogers. I have no idea if he'd assumed he was alone, or what, but I just thought it was great. Not the best rendition I'd ever heard, but certainly the most passionate version I will ever witness. While peeing.
2) This afternoon, my dad and I were talking about my last blog post about airport security. I told him, "Y'know, really, I don't care what they're going to do to me-- I'm never going to see those people again." And he paused for a few seconds and said, "Yeah... I guess I don't mind the groping. As long as they're not smiling while they do it."
3) Peanut butter (extra crunchy).
4) Jelly (grape).
5) I've never been truly, desperately, third-world-country type of hungry.

song of the night...
"Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. I'm not a huge country music fan, but... I have to admit, I think Kenny Rogers is pretty damn awesome.

movie of the night...
"Six Pack" ...bit of a guilty pleasure, I s'pose, but I remember renting this flick when I was a kid-- twice in as many nights. Loved it!

Our civil liberties, and our junk...

"Let justice be done... or the heavens fall!"
William Watson, 1601

"Give me liberty... or give me death!"
Patrick Henry, 1775

"I shall have you arrested... if you touch my junk!"
John Tyner, 2010

John Tyner, in case you haven't heard, is a fellow who refused to go through a pat-down search at a San Diego airport over the weekend. He videotaped the incident on his cell phone, and basically told the TSA agents involved that what they were doing would be considered molestation, if they were not, in fact, the government.

It's an interesting debate, really. Before we step onto an airplane, we have to take every precaution we can, of course, to make sure that we're safe. But... how far is too far? What is that line that we cannot cross? What if that line is in a different place for you, for me?

And, at the end of the day, is it all worth it?

Are we being stripped of our basic human rights just to get on board an airplane? And, if so... have the terrorists won???

...I dunno.

I mean, honestly, I can understand the uncomfortable nature of it all. I thought about that this afternoon-- about where exactly my line would be. What would make me pull a John Tyner? What would make me turn around and say, "No, thank you, I would rather not fly." What would make me get so angry that I would rather put an end to the security procedure, and get stranded in Cleveland? And my answer...?

Naked jumping jacks.

If a TSA agent pulled me to the side of the security line, made me take off my shoes, my watch, my belt? No problem.

If he patted me down, touched my junk, made me take off my clothes? Well, I wouldn't thank him for it, no, but, whatever. I'd get over it.

If he squeezed my buns, touched my junk a second time, and covered me with peanut butter? ...Yeah, actually, by that point, I think I probably would get a tad suspicious, but, hey, the man's just doing his job, right? "There's probably a perfectly good explanation for the peanut butter," is what I would tell myself. Every night. For the rest of my life...

However! Naked jumping jacks??? That's just not cool.

(Well, not in public, anyway.)

But, really, just about anything up to that point, and I personally would be pretty damn okay with it.

Again, I truly understand those who would feel differently, but I'm still incredibly leery about flying. As a matter of fact, after 9/11, I didn't think I would ever be able to fly again. It took me YEARS to be able to look into the sky, see a plane, and not feel a terrible mixture of deep sadness and angst.

And, seriously, we're not talking about the caressing of junk and buns, peanut butter jumping jacks, or anything all THAT bizarre, are we...?

I'm not saying I have all the answers, but... the truth is, there isn't a whole lot I wouldn't do to make 100% sure the airplane I'm about to strap myself into is completely safe. Someone wants to send me through an x-rated x-ray machine? Let's do it. You need to pat me down? Go for it, homie! You wanna touch my junk? Here y'go... Enjoy!

Well... y'know, maybe "enjoy" isn't quite the right word, exactly, but...

I mean, it's not like I ENJOY going to the doctor and having him feel around... that particular area o'mine. But, he's gotta do what he's gotta do. And, I know he's (hopefully) outstandingly qualified to check things out down there, so...

Hmmm...

...hmmmmmm...

...actually...

...I'm just thinking out loud here, and, maybe this is crazy, but... maybe that's the answer, enit? I think I even heard John Tyner say as much-- he doesn't want anyone to touch his junk other than his doctor.

Nobody's incredibly comfortable with a physical, but nobody really objects to one either. At least, in principle. And certainly no one would confuse a routine physical by a reputable physician with a gross disfiguration of civil liberties.

So, let's just combine the two! TSA screeners/physicians! This is GENIUS!!! Why has no one ever thought about this before???

"Please place any metallic items on the tray, and step forward... Okay, now, turn your head ...And, cough? ...Good, now, turn your head again, please ...Annnnd, cough? ...Great. Thanks, you're all set. Have a nice flight!"

See that? I sold myself short-- I really did have all the answers!


The five things I fell in love with today...

1) The great Roger Ebert, upon having his groin searched at an airport security line: "I would like to say he found nothing, but I don't know how that would sound." LOL!
2) Life.
3) Liberty.
4) The pursuit of happiness.
5) My junk.

Movie of the night...
"Airplane!"

Song of the night...
"The Streetbeater (Theme to 'Sanford and Son')" by Quincy Jones

A Poem (based on a true story)...

Once there was a happy fellow.
He went by the name of Ryan...



If i told you that he loved to rhyme,
i sure would not be...



...trying to misrepresent myself. Or Ryan.
Not by any stretch of the imagination.

(ahem)...

There were things that Ryan was good at.



And things that he just wasn't.



There are things that Ryan likes a lot.



And things that he just doesn't.



This candle with an apple shape
is clearly to his liking.



Its crisp, autumnal scent will make him...



...FEEL MANLY AS A VIKING!!!



...somehow.



All was grand in Apple-land!
His apartment smelled of orchard...



But then a big, honking hole shot through one side of the apple,
causing a boatload of hot candle wax to cascade all-the-freak over
Ryan's computer keyboard.



Seriously.
This actually happened.



(By the way, the irony of a candle in the shape of an apple
wreaking having on Ryan's iMac is not lost on him.
He's just not ready to accept the humor of this particular
part of the story at the present moment).



Most of the harm had been avoided.
which was a great relief.



And yet the news
was not all good...



The wax had taken a P.



"NO P ?!?!?!" Ryan cried...
"No P ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" he sighed,
"What if i want to write 'Cha_el' ???



"What if i want to write '_etunia'
Or '_lastics' Or what if, for that matter, 'A_ _le'???



"What of my friends _atty and _aul?
And what other friends have i missed?

Wait! I think my _assword has a P in it!!!
Aw, man, i am really quite _issed!!!"



BUT!!!

...as it turned out, things weren't all that bad.
Back came the P, that wacky nomad
And Patty and Paul would surely be glad
to hear such a bright, happy ending!



Yes, this is the tale of Ryan, the brave!
Fixer of things, the keyboard he saved!
Wanting of nothing, but needing a shave,
For him there was so much rejoicing!







Probably a bit too much rejoicing, actually.
I mean, it's not like he fixed the economy, or anything.
Sheesh...




I'm just sayin'...


STILL...







While cleaning the rest of the wax from his desk,
though this was a bleak and ridiculous mess,
Ryan felt the need to kneel down and confess,
and to thank the good Lord for small favors...


For Uno, and rhyming, and keyboards with P's...
For smell-good apartments, and apples on trees...
For C3PO, and dictionaries...

And for chords that will wake up my neighbors!








Thanks, God! :)


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) Y'know, my friends, i have to be honest with you... God is just really, really good to me. Sometimes i don't feel that knowledge as much as i'd like to. But tonite is not one of those nights.
And that's numbers one through five.
2)
3)
4)
5)

Conan O'Brien For President!!!!!

A few hours ago, i was walking home, and i stepped over a discarded political flier for someone i didn't vote for. I stopped for a moment, and then let out a heavy sigh, reminding myself that the elections were over.

Whew!

I guess i'm not alone-- i really hate the elections. Mostly all the attack ads, and all the negativity and confusion that they bring. You're just about set to vote for the candidate you believe in, and then you turn on the tv and discover that they once voted in favor of a school bus driver's right to smoke weed on the job, or dogfighting, or something even more outrageous, like higher taxes. And y'think, "Wait, could this be true???"

Who knows...

There was an article in the USA Today after the elections that i wanted to write about, but never got around to. I was planning on quoting it tonite, but it seems as though i've accidentally thrown that paper out.

(I mean... RECYCLED it!!! ...Yes... Yes, i recycled it... :D)

Anyway, the gist of the voter reaction in that particular article seemed to be pretty one-sided; A lot of people were using their votes as a means of protesting against the Obama administration. And, hey, that's fine. I mean, a lot of people are still out of work. A lot of people have been hit pretty hard by the economy, and there's a ton of frustration all across the country. I understand that.

But it looked, to me, like the vast majority of people in that article had forgotten that President Obama's 2008 campaign slogan was "Change we can believe in" and not... "We're gonna change things overnight and y'all're gonna get a big honking check for $50,000 in the mail, along with two complementary scoops of ice cream at your local Baskin Robbins!"

It's like the conversation my cousin and i were having last night. "Hope n change," he texted, "Got all the answers and in 2 yrs a total failure." But when i responded by asking him if he thought it'd be a better idea to do what Republicans appear to want to do now-- to go back to the total economic failures of the previous eight years, he said, and i quote... "U r utterly clueless."

Which, y'know, might be true. But, still... not exactly the best way to win a debate. I'm pretty sure.

The thing that scares me is this feeling i can't shake-- that the conversation i had with my cousin perfectly mirrored what's happening in Washington right now, and what's going to happen over the next two years...

"YOU GUYS THINK YOU'RE SO AWESOME! YOU DON'T KNOW ANNYYYYYYTHING!!!"

"Okay then, well, uhm... Look, we need to work together to straighten things out. And we're more than willing to listen to your point of view. Do you have any solutions that you can bring to the table?

"..............YOU'RE STUPID!"

Be careful what y'wish for, right-wingers. You got it.


the five things i fell in love with today...

1) I had a few days off recently, and, while most of that time was spent trying to overcome sickness, i did get to watch a bunch of movies. And that's never a bad thing!
2) I also, today, took TWO separate naps!!! And each one was more glorious than the one that had come before...
3) I am going back to work tomorrow, though, and i am very much looking forward to it. Miss those kids... Some of them...
4) I was only kidding about the naps. The first one was about six times more glorious than the second one.
5) Conan O'Brien. Very good to know he's going to be back on tv tonite. And, i thought this clip would be appropriate to share, especially in light of tonite's topic. I'll always have a deep, deep respect for him for exiting The Tonight Show with such grace and class.



Movie of the night...
"Conan the Barbarian."

Song of the night...
"There's a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)" by the cast of Glee. I probably could've found a song that better fit the theme of tonite's post, but, the truth is, i just can't get this tune out of my head. It's haunted me for days. Damn you, cast of Glee!!!

The Great Rumor Mill Begins Here...

I want to start an internet rumor that this was me back in 1987. Little help...?




the five things i fell in love with today...

1) the moves...
2) the audience reaction...
3) the music...
4) the shirt...
5) the chance that somebody will one day stop me on the street and excitedly say, "Yo, man!!! Aren't you that break dancing guy???" Yes... Yes I am.

song of the day...
"Dancing with Myself" by Billy Idol

movie of the day...
"Breakin'"